I tried, I changed, but still am getting divorced!

[v1olin]

I have my ring still too. It was in the medicine cabinet in my bathroom but then I moved it to the kitchen drawer. It is worth more to me to keep it than sell it. It reminds me of the type of guy that I am. I did, however, toss my house key into the lake next to my apartment!

[newmama]

Of course I will still post on your thread, CW! :-) I need to keep tabs on you! And WN too! maybe we really can go on the Jerry Springer show together- what do you say? lol!

WN that is nice to think of the love that was there when S was conceived. It's funny because the last photo I think of his daddy and I taken together is in our Halloween costumes!
I guess I will save it. WH flushed his ring from his first marriage down the toilet but says he wants to keep this one. Gee, wonder what OW will think of that!

Thanks for posting, Geronimo and Violin! Violin, have you met Piano? (lol!)

So today I told my principal and said I would tell the rest of the staff in a couple of weeks. It felt like a relief in a way.

I was thinking of writing WH a letter but I don't know if it is really worth it. He is clueless I think! I will post what I want to say.

[newmama]

I wish you could feel the pain I am feeling. Then I remember- you are doing to me what your first wife did to you. Except you dragged it out longer and there wasn't a child involved. So...

Can you remember how you felt when A divorced you? Would you have wanted to have pleasant conversations with her and stayed friends with her after she left you for another man? Imagine having to exchange your son with her every day- you have to hand him over to her and her boyfriend...and know that she is spending every day with her boyfriend's daughter but not her own son.


She left you because she couldn't cut off contact with him in order to give her marriage a fair shot. She didn't let you know what she needed so you could give it to her. No. Instead she just wrote you off and you didn't even get a chance. She probably was telling that other guy what she needed so he was able to give it to her instead of you. SHe had this fantasy that the way she felt with her boyfriend would last forever! So she married him!

Oh, wait- 3 years later she was calling you and emailing you and telling you how she made a mistake and she should have never left you. But you were married already so it was too late. Why can't you see this is what will happen to you?


----------------------------------
this is all true, btw. I just added imagine if you shared a child with her. Yes, she did try to contact him. AND HE HID it from me! Thinking I would be worried! I can't believe I had a child with this man!

[NoLongerHere]

What's your objective? This is a stir-the-pot letter.

[NoCodeBlues]

Write it down saying everything you want to express. Then burn it.

The wayward, when there's an OP and by the time it gets to D, is highly unlikely to be phased by anything the LBS has to say anyway.

I would think that right now the letter should be for catharsis only.

[newmama]

You are right! This is precisely why I have barely said anything to him this whole time (among DBing reasons)because what is the point??? My friend last night was telling me that because he is acting all "non chalant" and trying to be polite with me that he needs to hear what he is doing. And try to imagine how it feels.

But I feel like it is pointless. Thanks for agreeing! I have 4 drafts of different emails to delete now, lol!

[Gypsy]

Hello Ms NewMama..

Congratulations on your beautiful son! And my sympathy to you for your spouse's choice.

I've read this current thread and struggled on what to say. So here it is..

The ring? Put it away for a year if and when the divorce is finalized, then worry about it. But I'd stop wearing it.

Your divorcing spouse has made his choice, 'heart over brain'. Now it's your turn, but following the opposite parameters, 'brain over heart'. Step back and be realistic about your situation. He's involved with another woman, has been. He's blowing you off emotionally while still taking care of the physical upkeep. You're paying almost the entire mortgage. Is this a guy looking for reconciliation?

Have you seen a lawyer to know your legal rights? That is always a prudent step. It doesn't mean you've closed up hope for your marriage, but you need to know what to expect financially and with custody now and in the future.

One woman I know was successful in her marriage after she found out about her husband's affair with a much younger woman. She consulted with a lawyer, then told her spouse exactly how much he'd lose (tons) if he went forward with his affair. They're still together after 50 years. Sometimes it takes a firm whack in the head to get their attention to be able to do the work.

It sounds like you gave him firm boundaries when you discovered the affair. Decide what works for you, not him. If he won't meet your objectives, then move forward with the divorce. Take control of the situation.

Stop trying to understand him (re: the letter) in passive/aggressive terms. State your needs, your boundaries and the consequences. Reconciling while your spouse is embroiled in a passionate affair is next to impossible. He's most likely to respond to an either/or choice.. where the little brain meets the big brain.

DBing does not mean sacrificing yourself. One person said it's a means to stop a divorce. And if that doesn't work, it's to do what's right for you, your child. Not what works for him.

You're a strong woman. Flex your muscles, drop the rope and move the divorce along. You have nothing to lose, aside from twirling on an emotional hook, tugged by his whims.

*hugs*

[newmama]

Hi Gypsy! Thank you for your advice, but I am not trying to stop the divorce. If this is what he wants, so be it. He is moving in "officially" with her and her child so it's the end.

I am squared away financially and with custody. He is being more than generous in the financial aspect. (from a legal point of view).

I have no hope for reconciliation and I can even waive the 90 days and have this divorce finalized in September instead of November if I wanted to. So am looking into that.

At this point, just trying to adjust and deal with my emotions and be able to vent to someone who won't just say "you're better off without him! don't worry you'll be fine!" you know? You folks here can say "I know where you are at and understand why you don't know what to do with the ring." etc.


I need to get busy on others' threads so I can learn from you all!

[Gypsy]

Hey Ms Mama...

I understand how difficult it is to figure out what to do with wedding ring. Mine is in a little envelop in my jewelry box tucked away. It seems tainted and something I'd never want to have near my body. I always wondered why some divorced women felt so good about making their diamond into a necklace. Perhaps if in the future I'd put it into some type of setting that has other gems (diamonds included) so it doesn't stick out. Right now it feels right to have it out of sight.

And the emotional chaos of divorce is exhausting. My only word of caution is that it's not about his needs; that if he wants then it's over. Divorce begins in the mind. Focus on you. Your needs in moving forward.

*hugs*

[courageous wife]

HI NM! Just stopped by to see how were doing! Looks like you have already gotten some great advice in this forum! Maybe I will join you over here one of these days!

I was surprised to read that your H's first wife had an A on him and divorced him. This is the same story for my H...his first W (they M cuz she was pg) and D'd 4yrs later after he found out she had an A. She ended up marrying her OM and they D'd about 5yrs later. She never tried reconnecting with my H though...as many times as I have read the similarities in a lot of our sitch's, I am still amazed when I read a new similarity!!!

Hope you have a great weekend!!!