Hoping, It's good to see that you are reading the archives. There you will find all of the threads that I and others created many, many years ago. The answers that you are seeking are there in many postings both by me and others.
The "eye of the storm" is like the eye of a hurricane. You have a build up to the storm, the eye is the center whereby you do not want to be, i.e., you run for cover, and then the quieting down again. Just like the leading up to the crisis, the anger/replay portion of the crisis and yes, anger/replay does have an "eye" as well.
Jim Conway and others have already written about what to expect when someone is in crisis, what they go through and how they may come out the other end. My views are no different than theirs, except to say that the stages and descriptions that are used here and on Conway's site are just a guide. Each stage leads into the next, but never leaves all of the last stage behind until he/she settles down and finally is in acceptance. People tend to try to put their spouses in one stage at a time and it doesn't happen that way. Just as people grieve, each person will grieve differently and the length of time for the grieving period will be different for each person.
What information are you seeking from me that would be any different than what others have posted on the stages? I sense that you are looking for something in particular.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Snodderley I am just trying to learn as much as I can about where I have been and what others have experienced, in order to develop a better understanding of what I have been through and where it fits into H journey. I know everyone is different going through MLC. I know H is still in replay with some withdrawal/depression thrown into the mix.
Quick update: H Has been to visit 3 times this week. This is due to him wanting to do things for us. Small things. During his last visit, he began by askig if I was ok? then proceeded to ask about my job, my colleagues, my job role, if I was happy at work etc. I got eye contact and he seemed like he was really listening. He started to open up a little about his feelings about his job and how unhappy he is. I know I have read somewhere that these can be signs of the script of reconnection. As OW is still there I guess it can only be a touch and go, but it feels more than that. He did comment on how he was supposed to have gone out with OW one nignt but had got out of it. I wondered by this comment if he was starting to awaken, or if maybe replay was coming to an end. H was very low and very depressed. More depressed than I have seen for a long time. No expectations, but seeing some signs of movement through the tunnel. I think he may Withdraw for a while now.
Hoping, I personally think he's just coming by for a quick touch and go. He had a moment of clarity and until the ow is gone, true reconnection cannot take place. Just be kind, observe and listen. He may actually tell you more than he thinks w/his comments. It sounds to me like he feels safe in talking to you and he may look upon you as a friend, which is a good start.
Keep your expectations at zero and if he disappears again, no need to worry...he'll land again soon for another brief visit.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Not posted for a while. Just journaling really. H has withdrawn again. It is now 26 days since he contacted. It is getting increasingly difficult to detach. No I am not going to make contact, but it is very frustrating when he withdraws after his moments of clarity. I now see that you are right snodderly and they are touch and go's, even though they seem like more at the time. The confusing thing I think for me now is.... Do touch and go's increase and become reconnection? and If I mistakingly though the touch and go's were reconnection, am I going to miss the actual reconnection? Watching and waiting for him to pop out of the tunnel again.
HFC, I have seen my W reconnect with our kids and is starting to reconnect with friends. She draws back into the tunnel. I do think that they get scared of going back to the old life of responsibility and commitment. You will know it when it comes you will not miss it, and anyhow there really isn't anything you would do differently.
If he is openly involved with OW still that reconnection can not take place. I would say he is in touch and go. He can't get up the strength to leave the OW but does not want to lose you either. He wants to know that you are always an option for him.
There are 2 schools of thought on Affairs, 1. Lay down boundaries and enforce them, this may look like a statement to your h that as long as he is involved with OW you can not interact with him the way you have been.
2.Ride out the affair.
If you have been NC for 26 days, i would say that you are doing great. That is far better than I have done before.
The watching is okay.....the waiting is the part that we all as LBS's have to work on. It is hard, no doubt.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
missherlove, Thankyou for your thoughts. I did set boundaries when he first left. I told him OW was never to see my kids ever, even if they stayed with him overnight. H has stuck to this. It was difficult as OW was a friend of my daughters (obviously not now). Neither of them wanted to see her again anyway, which has made it a bit easier I guess. Also the kids have never been to his flat and don't want to go.
It has been so frustrating watching him touch and go. I think even more so because I knew what was happening. I did get my hopes up at first, but after he backed of again I could see that everything I had read was actually true and I had to accept this was going to take a while to come through. He has tried to break out of the tunnel a few times now and each time he comes a little closer. Last time he was so close to breaking down. I could almost see the tears. Then he just held it together and left. It was hard to see him like that, knowing I could do nothing for him only sit back and let him go.
The NC always comes after a spew. Each time he backs away for a few weeks before coming forward again. All I can do is ride this one out again. HUGS
Please focus on yourself and things that you need to do to take care of yourself. Watching and waiting for him to pop out of the tunnel is like a "watched pot that never boils" scenario.
In answer to your question, as he feels more and more comfortable with himself, you and the situation, he'll begin staying out for longer periods of time. It's a very gradual thing and no, you will not miss one thing! Just be patient, live your life to the fullest and allow your "Jack and the Box or should I say, your watched pot to boil".
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Journalling really H did make contact and had a major spew before withdrawing finaces. It was a shock that he did this as previously this was one things he said he would never do. (MLC script). He withdrew again after this. Text to the kids became longer inbetween until withdrawing texts altogether. He stopped contacting my family and friends who he had reconnected with previously also. During this time he also stopped using the social networking sites he had previously used.
This disappearing altogether lasted for just over 3 weeks.
Last week he broke the NC and contacted my family again by text and phone. He has also begun to text the kids again every other day, and he is posting again on the networking sites.
I do know he went to the doctors for Anti Depressants but due to tests he is having for his ill health, the doctor refused to give them to him. He is on sick leave from his employment at this time and is looking for a new job due to his unhappiness. He continues to see OW as the answer to his problems.
Hope, The longest I've gotten my H to remain silent is 5 weeks. During that time, according to the kids, he was almost manic. Now, he's back to emailing and calling and generally driving me crazy.
It's very sad, isn't it, when you stop feeling that you know the person you thought you knew best in the world. You have to wonder how they cannot see what is so obvious to the rest of us in the outside world.
