So yesterday my dancing group (part of GAL) had a performance at a local amusement park. I noticed while wearing my costume, and walking through the park that I was getting a lot of looks. From men! I must admit my first thought was "do I just look so funny? Is my hair messed up?" But then realized that some of them seemed to be admiring me.
Nice for my self esteem to know that someone finds me attractive - its been so beaten down by my MLC H that I barely recognized myself.
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
I can't believe that its been a few weeks since I've posted. Surprisingly, H's weekend jaunts have slowed down or stopped again. Several times when I expected him to leave, he actually stayed home. Guess its that crazy MLC again, can't figure out what he's going to do. Before he was all gung ho about packing, now that has tapered off again.
This past weekend he finally agreed to meet and talk with his parents about 'what is going on." They already had a pretty good idea just based on how he's been acting and avoiding them for the past 2 years. They apparently gave him holy h*ll for for the affair, and emphasized how dissapointed they are. But now that he's confessed it bothers me even more that he seems so relieved. I'm sure he was dreading having to tell them anything. Now that things are out in the open he acts like everything is all ok. Drives me crazy, much as I try to detach.
I haven't had a chance to talk with them separately, he didn't want me there to contradict anything he might tell them in his happy fantasy that 'we're all good." We saw them briefly yesterday and their simple question of 'how are you' sent me into tears, because I am just not OK. I managed to pull myself together and my MIL told me to stop by sometime to talk, but that hasn't happened yet.
How to explain MLC to someone when its all new information? GUess I will have to dig up and copy some posts in the archives for them.
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
I would be very careful with what I share with his family. I would advise them that it is crisis and one that only he can work through. Please do not share this site w/them for you do not need for them to slip up and tell him what you have provided to them. This is your safe haven.
Also, please keep in mind that his crisis is being driven by depression, but the depression is cause by unresolved childhood issues. This happened when his emotional growing period was stunted by something in his life. We don't know if something happened between him and his father or mother or both of them.
Tread lightly.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for your insight, Snodderly. I wasn't going to give them the site information, merely perhaps copy info about what the MLC is all about.
I do know what happened between his parents. My H was adopted and they brought up all by themselves that maybe he needs to find his birth parents since he doesn't want to be a part of his current family. That occured over Christmas, when the inlaws came to visit and there was big blow up. My MIL asked him outright "don't you want to be a part of this family?" and he said no. They left shortly thereafter in a dark cloud.
Also MIL had some mental issues (I also think deep depression, but no one really talks about it) when my H was a child to early teenager. He blames his mother for being horrible to him and his sister, and he blames his father for not 'protecting' him from his mother. He has told me a few stories, some I heard from other relatives but now its one of those topics that no one speaks of. He has told me he resents his parents for how he was treated, and his anger towards his mother is always very visible. I think these are major contributing factors.
So, do I mention to them MLC and unresolved childhood issues and then just let them connect the dots?
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
I think I would just say that he's having a crisis which involves quite a bit of depression and leave it at that or that's he's trying to find himself. You don't want to mention unresolved childhood issues because they will then not only connect the dots, but could very well turn on you.
BTW, how are you doing?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for asking, Snodderly. I suppose I am like most people here, I'm on the roller coaster for sure. When he is gone I do pretty well, I guess I have detached enough that he doesn't bother me as much when I don't have to see him. When he is home, I still get to see him writing emails to OW (he thinks he's being sneaky) and have a very hard time dealing with the anger.
There are times that I catch myself thinking, "At least when he's gone I won't have to worry about xxxxxxx" like a large bill at the liquor store since H indulges every night when he self medicates. However, I also know that I will miss him terribly once he is completely gone, and am realistic enough to realize that I would exchange the liquor costs for having him in my life in a heartbeat. I guess despite the anger I still try to enjoy what time I do have with him, and try to find the positive things when we interact.
Overall when I look ahead I don't see his relationship with OW lasting, he's still got his issues and the whole infidelity/3rd husband's the charm thing I don't think will work out. Also I plan on going completely dark when he is moved out and that may shake him up a bit. Will it cause him to pursue our relationship again? No idea, except he is full of pride and I could see that stopping him.
I often feel like I'm living with a ghost, hes just a pale sad shadow of the man I married.
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
Last night my husband forwarded me the email that contains the divorce papers he got from his lawyer. This morning, he got up at 5:30am, packed his car and left. We are supposed to be working this afternoon and all day tomorrow, but I guess that would get in the way of his OW time. <sigh> lots of bitter feelings.
He called me about 9:30 this morning, wanting to know if I had read the papers. I admit that I just gave them a cursory glance once through, it was too depressing to delve into further. I told him that I had noticed that some major assets were not mentioned, I didn't know if they had to be, obviously I haven't had a chance to contact my lawyer yet. H got all offensive, saying something about "you know we already talked about this, I hope you don't think I'd be a jerk and take stuff from you, right?" Hmmm, how on earth could I possibly think he'd be a jerk? I just told him that we can talk about it more in person, that's assuming he actually comes back. However, since he still has stuff here I suppose it will happen eventually.
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
Arrrrggggghhhhh! I feel like screaming! My H just called me, saying his mother had contacted him, asking when he was going to tell his sister about our situation. He wanted to know what I thought. When I told him it didn't really matter to me, he blew up!
He said that he keeps feeling increased resentment from me and that I'm just bitter all of the time. Hmm, projecting? So hard to try not to defend myself. I wanted to scream at him "why on earth wouldn't you think I'd be bitter? You had an affair, filed for divorce and are leaving me for OW?". I tried to maintain calm and just repeated that it didn't matter to me when he or his mother talked to his sister, it didn't make a difference. He said that he was trying to be courteous in seeking my opinion but obviously since I didn't care, he didn't care either.
So hard to remain detached. Crap. Now my mood is down again.
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
Yuck, sorry he's such a jerk. I can see where he would get that idea... remembering, of course, that it's all about him and nothing about what he has done to you - because he doesn't think he did anything TO you...
