This is good stuff. Unlike connecting after they had an "normal" A (sorry, it's late and couldn't think of a more appropriate description - you all know what I mean) - where you start to rebuild right away, just remember to expect back and forth.
I see so many people that KNOW - as you do - the process, but still get sucked in. Don't be upset if you do, it just shows that you still have hope and that's the spark that will pave the way for YOU to find the love again. Hope is what it's all about... but remember the one step forward, two steps back dance will happen from time to time when you want it two forward and only one back.
Hi everyone, I am really struggling today. I know I need to take a step back and put the focus and me and the kids. He has suckd me in and I have fallen for it. I am seeing signs of him coming forward through the tunnel, and I have done what I vowed I would not. I have raced ahead thinking he is further on than he is really, and I have left him behind.
I have not done anything I am not supposed too like talk about R or OW, it is all in my head. I thought he was further along the tunnel than he is and my mind has played tricks on me.
This process of MLC is painfully slow and I am seeing the 2 steps forward and one back as M&H said. I am so frustrated and feel annoyed at myself because I have allowed myself to get sucked in. I have been doing so well. I think the big leap forward I saw a month ago is the cause. It was like 5 steps for ward and one back.
Hi Thanks for your kind words of encouragement M&H and Lost1234. After a few down days I am back to detaching and am sitting and waiting. Its Patience all the way.
H continues to make contact.
After going through many months of spewing, my H seems happier and the anger has gone. Does this happen when they move through the tunnel closer to acceptance? He is still in replay but he changed about 6 weeks ago. I have seen him going through thoughtful moments recnetly, when he seems like he has switched off and is thinking. I have also seen times when he acts like a teenager, which confused me a little at the time, but I just accepted and didn't react. He continues to test my reactions to the things he has or is doing also.
It's normal behavior for someone in crisis. When the depression lifts a bit, they begin to act like normal people again. When the depression returns, back to being sullen an withdrawn.
He will continue to test you for a long time. Why? To see if you've changed and if the changes are permanent. Continue doing what you are doing and just let things slowly glide along.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
They look to you for signs of strength or weakness. To see whether you have really changed. To see whether pushing the old buttons gets the old reaction. Sometimes the old reactions may want to come to the fore but mostly because of the changes the LBS has gone through, those old reactions are gone and have been replaced by more mature and reasoned ones.
I think that they do have a fair bit of depression and we have to be compassionate. They may seem to have what they want but they are human and realize deep inside that it is all at a great price. It must be terrible to be in such internal conflict which is why they distract themselves so much to escape it.
Thanks snodderly and Kara Funny how when I post on here things change again lol
You are both right. I have just recieved a text where he is trying to push my buttons. I didn't reply for while, thought about it, then answer with a kind reply and a thankyou. Don't think he expected that and he just replied 'ok'
To help you better understand replay so that you are not wondering about it....replay is where they go back in time and act out that part of childhood that was stunted. This is the time whereby they rebel, act really childish in many ways, throw tantrum, test you to the max (just as if you were their mother), etc. Everything he is doing is replay and if the ow is still in the picture, you don't have to ask...he's in replay.
We've forgotten what all we did as we grew up. Unfortunately, w/spouses in replay, we have the front row seat and can watch all that we may have done as kids.
Detach and don't react...after all, you are the adult. Count to ten before saying something you may regret later and if you aren't sure about something...sit quietly and do nothing.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly I have been reading some of the midlife Archives and in one of your posts you mentioned Replay playing out in various stages. You talked of 'the eye of the storm' where thay spew at the LBS and then a claming down again. I feel I am at this stage with my H. The Anger has definitly gone and he has been much calmer for the last 3 months. The spewing itself lasted about 8 months. Could you comment on this and the stages you have witnessed. Thanks
