MLC - standing by my man

[lalxx]

Hi Mila,
Give time, time - time for you to get comfortable with the strategies you have started to use - immediate results aren't in MLC land - as well you know.

Sounds to me as if his MLC has been brewing for years and you have ingrained behaviours with each other - rituals and dances he knows and he has an expectation of how you will react. Nothing chnages if you still behave as the same Mila.

As one old (and very irritating) boss used to say to me "if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got"

((hugs))

lalxx

[Mila]

Thank you my friends....you've given me lots of reasons to think about this again and my motives.

I know that I'm not responsible for his affairs, It's a fault in him, he is weak and emotionally immature and in some ways broken to do this to me and to himself. Will he ever fix it? I don't know? Am I his "fixer" trying to compensate for his faults and suffer through his selfish actions...yes I'm.

Am I afraid that by going dark will push him away? Yes. I do behave like his mommy, don't I.

Did my holding on to him and showing him love work in the first affair? Yes it did...maybe that's why I'm inclined to repeat the same pattern...If I show him that I'm the rock, the one he can relay on, the one that loves him no matter what he will come back again.

In the first affair 20 years ago he made me totally believe that it was my fault and when he came back it was never talked about...the whole thing was just swept under the rug. I was young and stupid, I didn't know any better. That's probably where the mistake was, lessons that needed to be learned were never learned from that. He obviously still believes that instead of talking to me if he has a problem he has the right to go to another woman.

I will have to think much more about this...in the mean while I'll take your advice and stay dim.

He is back in town and we have a meeting at a coffee shop this morning. I called it since I need to discuss some pressing business and personal issues.

I don't know If anyone can offer any advice on this.
We need to talk about the trip to the dude ranch that we were supposed to take as a family, the booking needs to be finalized. He emailed me about it last week.

Do I assume that I'm not going and that he will take it with D? Or do I assume that we are all going and H & I will have separate sleeping arrangements. I was looking forward to going....What do you think?

[SecondChance]

I wouldn't go, though I can totally understand your wanting to go. There has to be some consequence to what he is doing, yes?

Possible scenario's...

1. Whole family goes to dude ranch. WH thinks, great, I have family for these things, OW for whatever.

2. Mila does not go to dude ranch. WH thinks, hmmnnn, this will be my life now, fractured parts scattered around the country, is this what I meant to do?

I don't know. I cancelled trips with WH 2x in the early days when he wanted to be in separate living accomodations, because I did not want to see my future like that. Was very hard to do though.

FWIW.

- SCh

[Lostforwords]

I saw go....enjoy yourself and give him the cold shoulder. You want to go and that is the key. Why give up something you want to do because of what your WH might think? I say have a grand time and make it about you and your daughter with an odd third wheel. Don't let his actions or thoughts control your actions.

[mermaid]

Hi Mila,

If you want to go then I would go. Enjoy yourself despite everything. Show your h what he is missing.

[glamgirl]

Mila I may be from a different camp, but if you really want to go I say go and have fun. Show your h what family times are like. He is still your h. I don't see D proceedings from either of you right?

If you show the cold shoulder what is the point in going? If you decide to go, give it your all. If the sleeping arrangement is in the same room, well then I would enjoy that too. After all you are still his W.

Just my thoughts!

[Golfgirl1]

Mila,

What do YOU want? When it is time for YOU to be nurtured? He's done enough IMHO to deserve the big boot out the door. I'm sure others might disagree, but that's my opinion.

Is he worth it? Do you feel that there won't be others out there for you? Well, I'm here to tell you I've been divorced 1 week and there will be others....

You have been so strong and whatever you decide is what the outcome will be.

[Mila]

SCH, LFW, Mermaid & Glamgirl - thank you for you opinions

Just had a 2 hour meeting with WH at Starbucks. Messy, messy, messy. I've been crying ever since I left there. He's been a real jerk.....

I'll start from the beginning...he came late...not like him he is usually on time. He didn't look very good, sunken face, grey complexion, circles under his eyes...he looked older.

After the first few words he was already on defensive...I was trying to validate and defuse it, but he just kept on attacking. Anything I said...we were talking only about business at that point, he turned against me.

I'm simply stating the facts, like for example that I would like him to inform me as his business partner when he goes out of town next time, so I can plan for it...blow up.

Asked him to update me on what has been happening from marketing point of view in the past 10 days while he was gone, so I can update my cash flow projections...blow up.

By asking questions like that I'm apparently accusing him that he is not working when he is with OW...btw he had nothing to report to me, he did absolutely nothing in a way of working on new business...Even the stupid marketing flyers that I keep asking for that he was supposed to print are not done.

Any statement or comment about business was turned around and used against me. I asked him why is he so defensive, that I'm really trying hard to be business like, that I need to know these things. It felt like he just came to fight. He actually apologized and said that he is really tired.

But it just got worst from there....we both started to talk about private issues and it got into R talk concerning our current situation...he kept accusing me that I'm trying to provoke him and that everything that I say is meant to make him feel guilty. I was defending myself at the same time as trying to validate...probably not a very successful mixture.

I'm planning to go away and I asked him if D could stay with him over the weekend, he said "why can't I stay at the house with her, my place is not comfortable for her to stay with me...I don't understand why you don't want me there". As I was actually thinking about the possibility, he said...I will have someone with me this weekend anyway (OW) so I can't take her but I could come to the house and work on the garden. So I told him NO and to respect my privacy and don't you dare bring her to my house (he still has a key...I will change the alarm code)

He said that he won't and that I have strange hang-ups and apparently it's not normal that I don't want him to come to the house while I'm not there.

Brought up angrily that I'm really rude by not replying to his polite e-mails, when I said that I don't want to communicate while he is with OW he told me that I have problems...

He also said that even though he lied to me before that he is now very truthful with me and hopes to regain my trust, and why don't I just get over it, it's been already six months since he told me that he wants to be with OW (in between told me 3 times that he wants to be with me), and put the past behind already and that he would like to be friendly with me but I'm not letting him. (WTH)

He just kept pushing my buttons. There were many things said from both sides. Me hurt, him defensive. At one point I had to leave to compose myself.

Later we calmed down a bit and I told him that I don't know anymore how to talk to him without him getting defensive. That I'm so careful how I say things but I'm obviously not succeeding. He said that maybe we should go see a counselor to try to deal with how to talk to each other. I said that that would be fine with me and that he could make an appointment. He said, why don't you make the appointment? I asked if he can do it that I have enough on my plate...he blew up that I'm making him feel bad, that I'm insinuating that he is not doing anything...(Dah)

Asked him what he had in mind about the Dude ranch trip. Said either you go with D or I'll go with D. I said I would like to go...wow did he looked disappointed...he was sure that I would tell him to go. I know he was really looking forward to it. Even said, I don't know if you can do it it's 7 days in the saddle, you'll be really tired, it's a difficult pack trip. I said I'll be fine...and it'll be lots of fun. HA

To recap, it's stagering to see the difference in our relating to each other between today and in the last month, when he wanted to reconcile. Last month we were able to talk about us without fighting or defensiveness, we were caring and almost loving at times towards each other. Now that he is back with OW again it has deteriorated, he sees me in negative light, is really defensive and it's really hard to talk to him.

My resolve before the meeting was to be cool and business like and to avoid any emotional interactions...didn't work.

Well there is always another day....

[glamgirl]

Mila so sorry to hear about your encounter with your h, but are you really expecting it to be different. First of all you have to have NO expectations and just flow. I always tell myself to just smile and knod when my h was off in another land. Just smile and knod. I know doesn't sound like you can accomplish anything then, but step back and ask yourself does that need an answer or resolve at the moment.

This is not about you remember that. Your h is confused and off in a la la land. He can't make decisions and feels like you guilt him every step of the way. It's part of the MLC program. Best advice is to let it roll and not respond at that moment.

You need to decide to be h's friend through the crisis or back off and have nothing to do with him. It is a very difficult decision. Only you can decide. If you be his friend you can't let anything bother you that he says and not allow any confrontation. He will see that as that is exactly why I needed to leave her.

It's so sad that these MLC's are so confused and hurtful. He can't see that right now Mila. If he can see it, he won't admit it or want to acknowledge it.

Keep focusing on you! It will be the only way to get through this.

[lalxx]

Mila,
I am so very sad to hear things didn't work out for you as you had planned. This MLC sucks most of the time doesn't it.

I really hope you can see this for what it was - a child wearing a suit and trying to behave in a grown up world and being completely overwhelmed by it - think Tom Hanks in BIG! Unfortunately i am of the age to remember him before Forest Gump.....

Your husband is in crisis - you saw that from how he looked - maybe next time you see the warning signs you'll park the meeting and have somewhere else to go. He needs lots of time to work everything through. he is in his tunnel and is word perfect on the MLC script - I don't want to be glib but he is.

You need to have a nice drink of fresh, cold water, dust yourself down and resolve not to walk into the firing line again.

Your business arrangements are going to be hard and navigating the waters in the future will be tough. Do you have a 3rd party director within your business who can be a balancing force when you discuss business related issues (just thinking aloud here) or maybe a trusted accountant or business coach? Set up regular meetings which are very tightly timebound with minutes/action notes circulated?

I am thinking of you and I knwo you have the answers within you - please be kind to yourself and remember tomorrow is another day and you have the chance to put into practice what you learned today.

((hugs))

lalxx