Husband being hateful and cruel. Is this a stage?

[covenantkeeper]

[quote]AJM,
He is not done. He has way too much emotion towards you. Hang in there.

AJ

Well, I hope you are right about this. I admit the thought has crossed my mind quite a few times. It just seems like to me if he was really over me and ready to move on, he wouldn't have this much emotion. I just think he has such messed up thinking that he's miserable. And his pride has him paralyzed into not even giving a thought that the problem could be in his own head. Much easier to just blame me. The part that I have a hard time with is just that....how could someone be so selfish to be more concerned with your own pride? He would much rather end our marriage, do damage to the relationship with his 3 adult children, (not to mention future grandchildren), have us lose our home and d and I will be homeless, and totally mess up both of our finances. All because he won't/can't recognize his need for counseling. I know that's what MLC is...I'm just venting here.

I've been going through some boxes we had in our garage. So, guess what I just found that I thought we had lost? The tape of our wedding! And, you know I am sooooooo tempted to make a copy of it and give it to him. Ok, I'm not going to do that, but oh the temptation is great!! I just think he needs some reminders of the life he left. He doesn't have any pictures with him.....of us, or the kids. He has nothing of our life of 33 years together. Which, of course makes it so much easier for him to stay in denial of his feelings. I'm sure that's why he doesn't want to see me or hear my voice......because he has a guilty conscience!! And, I confess there is a part of me that wants to see him and talk to him all the more because I don't think he should get off scott free. I don't think it's fair that he gets to hide in his own little world and ignore/deny the fact that he abandoned me. I guess I am in one of those moods where I want to strike out at him and cause him some pain.

The only problem with that is that now I've read too much about MLC. Now, I've learned so much and received so much wisdom from others that I know that's the wrong thing to do! Sometimes I just want to be the one who stomps her feet and throws a temper tantrum instead of having to be the adult. But, that won't get me anywhere, so I'll continue to plug along, even if it's at a slow pace.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I just think he needs some reminders of the life he left. He doesn't have any pictures with him.....of us, or the kids. He has nothing of our life of 33 years together. Which, of course makes it so much easier for him to stay in denial of his feelings. I'm sure that's why he doesn't want to see me or hear my voice......because he has a guilty conscience!! And, I confess there is a part of me that wants to see him and talk to him all the more because I don't think he should get off scott free. I don't think it's fair that he gets to hide in his own little world and ignore/deny the fact that he abandoned me. I guess I am in one of those moods where I want to strike out at him and cause him some pain.

Venting right?

The only problem with that is that now I've read too much about MLC. Now, I've learned so much and received so much wisdom from others that I know that's the wrong thing to do! Sometimes I just want to be the one who stomps her feet and throws a temper tantrum instead of having to be the adult. But, that won't get me anywhere, so I'll continue to plug along, even if it's at a slow pace.

Very good on you CK.

Very good on you.

[Marked&Healed]

You can come on here any time and be a child.
Right now I'm watching Pokemon with my 16 year old stepchildren.
That's childish, right?
I feel my IQ points dropping by the second.
Venting OK, you are adult enough and on task enough that you will make it through this b/c you know what needs to be done and have the cajones to do it.

[AJM]

JTB and MH are very right. You do have to vent from time to time, but you are spot on. I lose it sometimes as well. We all do. It's not easy. We don't know what will happen and there is lots of confusion. But you know what? Keep doing exactly what you are doing. You are doing it all correctly and you will be much better for it. Really.

AJ

[pandora]

Sometimes I just want to be the one who stomps her feet and throws a temper tantrum instead of having to be the adult.

i feel ya.

(((ck)))

[covenantkeeper]

Well, this afternoon did not turn out very well. Remember I have been going through boxes we had stored in the garage. I found some books that belong to my h. There was also a good stack of mail that was for him, plus I had to get him the electric bill. So, I packed everything up in a bag and drove to his place with the only intention of handing it to him and leaving. I figured if he talked to me that would be a bonus, but I wasn't going to count on him doing that. I even prayed on my drive there that he would be calm and he wouldn't be hateful again.

So much for that. He opened the door yelling at me that I was not allowed to be at his place. I don't now where he got that idea since there is nothing written down or ordered for me to stay away from him. He first took the bag when I handed it to him, but then laid it on the ground. He went back inside and closed the door. So, I figured I would just hang it on his doorknob, so I did and got in the car to leave. All of a sudden he opens the door, grabs the bag and starts throwing books at the car!! I stopped the car and yelled stop, and asked him what in the world he was doing! Mail was flying everywhere and his books were scattered. One book hit the windshield of the car pretty hard. The bad thing is that I was driving my daughter's car since mine is broken down. (needs a starter, which he could fix, but he refused to help me) I started picking everything up and he called me the dreaded "C" word. I still can not believe he did that! I looked back at him in total shock and yelled what?! He slammed the door.

Well, I decided that I should call the police because he probably would and who knows what story he would tell them. As I was on the phone, he came out of the house like he was going to leave. I told the dispatcher he was leaving. When he heard me, he went back inside. When he came out, he told me he dialed 911 on me. I looked at him like he was nuts and asked him why in the world would he do that when the police were already on their way. He said he wanted to make sure there was a complaint against me.

When the police got there I walked over towards them. The male went to talk to h, and the female officer stood and talked to me. And, of course by this time, I was crying. I told her what happened and also told her he was acting irrational and has not been himself in a long time. I said, you would never believe that my husband is actually a kind, quiet man who would never say a mean thing to anyone. And now he's calling me the filthiest thing in the book! She said, well it's obvious there is something wrong with him. I then went on to tell her what he told me about when he proposed to me. How he was afraid for his life because he thought I would kill him, but he went ahead and asked me to marry him anyway. Yeah, he was so afraid he slept with me, we have 3 kids, and been married for almost 33 years! She said, yeah, there is definitely something wrong with him, but unless he is a danger to self or others, we can't take him in. We can only wait for him to completely break down, or give a reason to be arrested. They would then see the record and take him to the hospital. I said yes, I know about all of that, but unfortunately he hasn't done or said anything that would get him there. He's close.....ever so close. I explained to her how I used to work in a mental health facility and saw clients act like him all the time and he was just on the edge of qualifying for a 72 hr. hold. She agreed with me! She said what he did was completely unreasonable and the facts are he was the one who acted violently. She then laughed and asked me if I was aware he had also called the police. I said yes, and I told him I thought it was a pretty dumb thing to do. Not to mention a waste of police time.

She went to speak with the other officer to see if there was a different story and came back to me and said he admitted throwing everything at me. I asked her if I could give her everything so he would get it. He heard me and said I could throw the books away. I looked at her and said, now you know if I do that, he will complain that I destroyed his property. So, now I will just have to store them again. She suggested that I stay away from him before he gets worse and I get hurt the next time. I agreed with her. She also said I should send the electric bill to him by certified mail. I told her sure, I could do that, but it ticks me off that I am the one with hardly any money and now I have to spend money to get the bill to him when he can't act civil or like an adult to take care of the bill! She agreed, but told me at least one person should act like an adult. So, here I go again, being the responsible one! The officer went on to say that I deserved better than this. I told her that was the same advice I gave other people, but it is sure hard to look at it objectively when you're the one in the situation! She agreed.

I gave the officer the mail to give to him and left. I later sent h a text letting him know he would have to send me the new sticker for the license plate and he should send it certified mail. He replied that he was going to get the title changed before that. When I told him he wasn't allowed to make any changes like that until the divorce was final, he argued that he was right and I didn't know what I was talking about. I just replied "whatever, I'm not going to argue with you."

My goodness, h has certainly come a long way in a little over a month when he was calling me and taking me out to dinner! While we were waiting for the police to come,I commented that certainly he knew by this behavior that this wasn't normal or healthy and something was wrong. He ever so sarcastically said, "that's not what the therapist says." I said "oh yeah, like you are really seeing a therapist?" Then he said, "well maybe, maybe not." Good grief. He went on to say he even wanted the divorce to see if I was the problem or if he was
really in MLC. I laughed and said "you would rather ruin our lives and not even speak to your children because you choose to blame me instead of seeking help and admitting the problem could be you?" Of course, his answer was yes. I warned him that after everything was destroyed and he came to realize he was the one responsible for all the damage, the relationship with his wife and children might be forever damaged beyond repair. Was it worth that? He genuinely looked hurt by that and hung his head.

I hate this MLC with a passion!!! He was ranting that he had the right to demand I stay away from him. He had the right to say he didn't want to see me. I said "who is the one who gives you these rights?" He said, "well the court will." I said, "I suppose you're forgetting about what God says? What God says doesn't agree with the path you're on anymore, so you're ignoring Him?" Again, he hung his head.

I can tell he's at war with himself. And I know he's miserable. He looks awful. And him even mentioning the phrase midlife crisis tells me he's at least thinking he's going through something. Right now that might be the only hope I have that we could ever be together again. I just wish it would happen sooner than later.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I'd refrain from reminding him that he is sinning in God's eyes.

Just a suggestion.

It is a lot like guilting him.

[courageous wife]

CK

Wow!

I would not go over there again! Your H wants his space and does not want to see you right now!

Give him time...he will come to you when he is ready!

[covenantkeeper]

Yeah, I am not going anywhere near him. I still can't believe how he acted. Now that I've had a day to think about it, I saw quite a few things yesterday. One was that he was certainly throwing a temper tantrum like a child. And for someone who didn't want to talk to me, he kept coming and going in and out of his apartment to talk to me. If he would have just stayed inside, I was already backing out to leave. He didn't have to see me. But, he didn't do that. And he was the one who started the conversation, not me.

Yes, Jack I need to stop telling him he's sinning. I don't think it's so much of a guilt trip to him anymore....I just don't think he cares.

In a way I do think he was goading me to see if I would start yelling or throw my own fit. Perhaps he wanted to put on a little show for his neighbors that see? she is the crazy one I'm trying to get rid of. But, that backfired on him because besides the little bit of crying I did, I remained calm. And I think that ticked him off. He was completely out of control and I was in control of myself. He was the one who looked bad.

But, yes since I saw him act out, I don't want to go near him for fear of what he might do next. I never thought I would have to have any fear for my husband, but since he's obviously not in his right mind, anything could happen. I don't want to be the one to push him over the edge. So, as much as I want to see him to make sure he's still alive, I can't go near him. And, yes that's hurting me a great deal. Today I've been grieving quite a bit. I just have to leave h up to God. I can't rescue him, only God can.

Tonight while talking to my sister about this, she asked me how I would have reacted to this a few months ago. I laughed and told her I probably would've been screaming, yelling, calling him names, and perhaps even trying to slap him. She said, yes you would have done all of that. But you didn't. You stayed calm. I hadn't even thought about it. She told me I had certainly come a long way and have changed quite a bit from the old person I used to be. She thinks my h could also tell that and he was either shocked or mad that I did remain calm. And that now he could actually see that I've changed. I told her I wasn't counting on that since he certainly wasn't acting rational about much. But, I can hope he did think some of that.

You know just when I think I'm doing ok with this MLC stuff, I get hit with something else. And God is using it to teach me yet another lesson I can't seem to get right. To be patient. To wait. To give everything to Him and leave it there. To trust Him for everything. To not be anxious about anything. Easier said than done. But, I am going to pick myself up, wipe away my tears and start walking this path again. Or at the very least, I will let Jesus carry me for a while. He's already been doing that for me for some things. Oh, how I love Him! I don't know what people do who don't have God to turn to.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Yes, Jack I need to stop telling him he's sinning. I don't think it's so much of a guilt trip to him anymore....I just don't think he cares.

Ahhh, I dunno aboutthe not caring, more like the 'nagging' he wants to get away from.

You can only stick a dogs nose in its shite so many times before it snaps at you.