Ken, its good to see you have been ready Penny Tuppy's Protection Phase book as well. Do you have an intermediary who has volunteered to handle communications between you and your wife?
That's an important step here, that and the family therapist...
You really want to be ready to get her into therapy when she finally agrees to go... don't wait til she agrees to go to start looking for one.. it can take many months to find a good one.. start looking now...
You haven't mentioned an intermediary so I am curious whom you are asking to handle that for you?
Hey pupper, what were those stages again for infidelity? I really should write those down.. you are saying a while back that infidelity progressed in stages
I remember ONE of them was the WS introducing the OP to their friends in order to get community approval or something like that?
I think listing those here may help Ken out a bit too...
I honestly can't see Ken's wife dragging this out too far, but its good to make sure Ken has all the info we can offer up.. I just don't have those phases or whatever you called them.. it was good stuff, I just don't have it accessible...
Yes, I do have someone in mind for both intermediary and family therapist. Ironically, it's the pastor and his wife for both jobs. The pastor's wife is a counselor and they live fairly close and can be the intermediaries too.
My wife asked me today about when I was going to get a temporary separation order and I told her that I was hoping that we could do this ourselves so I wouldn't need that, but that I HAVE spoken to a lawyer and will use the TSO if she cannot make a decision soon. So I got caught up in a bit of R talk, but at first I was merely answering her question. Then I made it clear that there were only two options for me at this point - SEPARATION or RECONCILIATION. And I explained why as we have discussed on this board.
At one point, she asked, "What if I stop talking to him (the OM)?" I said, "Well then I would feel like I could work with you, but otherwise I could not just remain friends because you are treating me like crap and you harm children and I cannot be friends with someone like that." She denied harming children, but I stuck to my guns and tried to make myself very clear.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
At one point, she asked, "What if I stop talking to him (the OM)?"
Woo-Hooo! Memorize what you said so when it comes up again, you can be consistent.
Don't forget to add a NC letter to OM, and full transparency in addition to NC w/OM! These are important to rebuild trust, and she must commit to them from the beginning. Your counselor needs to be well-versed in these concepts.
What does your PP letter to her look like?
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Ken, don't tell her your plans with the lawyers or any of that... just DO it.. stop putting her in the loop, you are gonna have a VERY HARD TIME with protection phase if you keep that up...
IGNORE her when she wants to know things... shes got no right to demand info when she's sneaking around behind your back calling other men.
Good job for the whole though!
Note : Don't explain yourself, the more you go into detail the less determined you will sound... just tell she's galavanting about with OM instead of parenting her children and walk away.
Regarding the harming children that's an easy one to prove if you need convincing... or you can drop a phone log on the table and show her that...
What... 40 hours on the phone this week talking to him? That's 40 hours she is neglecting her kids... toss her out... addicts make crappy parents.
How many hours has she and OM spent together that she COULD have put into mothering her kids?
How many hours of their mother's time has OM STOLEN from YOUR KIDS?
Every hour she puts into OM is an hour your wife SHORT CHANGES her kids...
Very basic math there... shes either a mother or a cheater, she can't be both...
Ken, don't tell her your plans with the lawyers or any of that... just DO it.. stop putting her in the loop, you are gonna have a VERY HARD TIME with protection phase if you keep that up...
Note : Don't explain yourself, the more you go into detail the less determined you will sound.
Yes! Allan is so right. This is important! When you do these things, it sounds as if you asking for her permission or agreement. That is why a PP letter is a good thing. If she doesn't understand you, she can read and re-read your statement until she does get it.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Yup... Ken, don't TELL your WIFE yoru PLANS... WHATEVER reaction you THINK you might get.. it WON'T HAPPEN... So STOP it.
YOu are LOOKING for a specific reaction from your wife when you give away your plans like that I know it... Do NOT expect anything but negativity and destructive behaviour, tantrums, lies, pouting, and eventually crying...
Stop pursuing your wife through this stuff, it IS pursuit, you are trying to get an emotional reaction..
MWD calls it temperature taking in her book... You are trying to take a temerature or reading of her emotions and the state of your marriage by poking at her with info ...
STOP IT.
The TELLING your wife you are doing something is NOT going to change things.. its in teh DOING.. its ALWAYS in the DOING... and it takes weeks for a reaction to kick in even AFTER you do it...
Allen, I found a couple of very good articles on the internet and left copies laying around. One is called "Divorce Effect on Children" by Sara Eleoff" and the other is called "Marriage and Commitment" by Doug Goins. She did pick them up to read them and immedietely started to search the internet for info on "unhappy marriage effects on children".
Yesterday, she went to see the OM again while I was at work. I think they are discussing their plans - I don't know. I also got a newspaper with rental ads that I'm planning to leave laying around a little later today.
I'm holding off on the R talk for now. Just doing what you suggested for now. I just wish she would make a decision one way or the other for RECONCILLIATION or SEPARATION.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
