P.S. All I "said" was that I was going to change MY behavior if she did this thing. I didn't say what that was. So I have wiggle room. That's probably a bad thing to a lot of you
You won't get people chiming in here to tell you your W is having an A or not. But you ARE here.
You say W is exhibiting behavior that is not normal and only you know normal. So are you being paranoid or creating problems that aren't there? Only you can say.
But it is a problem. It is a problem becasue you perceive it to be one.
What has been said about boundaries here is true. They are for you. And they must be enforced. And when they are enforced you have to be cool with the fallout. So if your attitude changes in the M what will that do?
What is at the core of this boundary? You don't want her going to the beach? You have a phobia for beach sand?
You don't want to live through another A in your M? probably that is closer to the truth.
All the talk in between trying to control the ultimate reality is just creating the problems that brought you here.
So what really can't you live with?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Yup. I agree with you Mach. I did build in an excuse (hereto not know as wiggle room).
You know, and I have not given this much thought, but what may be the one thing most lacking in all this is actual proof of the affair. I am SO against snooping, etc but that's what I am struggling with. To me, some deception, or whatever is much more palatable than a full-blow affair. Sure, both are evidence of a damaged marriage but I am more willing to cope with one more than the other. Don't really know how I am going to deal with that unknown.
I just need to breathe and take stock of what's what. Looks like it will be an interesting/bad night. Don't see a way around that.
Wow. Insightful. I was posting while you were so that last one didn't take you into account, but kinda did answer your question.
To expand on that though, SHE thinks I am just trying to be controlling, as I have been in the past, and maybe still am today. To her it feels like a duck, quacks like one, etc. Of course, and rationale person would agree that going out repeatedly with a man who is not your husband, and who has expressed NO interest in meeting your husband (she asked him to on the phone while I was sitting next to her), would say that's a problem.
She says not at all because she's told me there's nothing going on. She says I should just trust her based solely on her word. Nevermind she's already lied in the midst of all this current sitch and lied a LOT in the previous one. She says our problems are 100% my reaction to her just wanting to go out with friends.
I say it's 100% about those "friends" including this guy, being people I don't, and according to her, won't know.
Am I wrong?
Anyway, I got sidetracked but some review I suppose is good every now and then. Thanks.
THIS is my greatest fear; that so much of what I am told on this board is based on people's jaded opinion and not nearly enough on reinforcing the hopeful messages that CAN be passed on from DB or other sources.
My marriage is NOT in that place... yet. I suspect people are often overlooking that (not you OT and their advice is just the same blanket advice given to those who, as pointed out, are in radically different sitches than mine.
GH,
I think you do a great disservice to those that take the time to post to you when you say that. What you see as "jaded opinion" and "blanket advice," may actually be heartfelt advice -- born of concern -- and colored only by our experience, both with our own sitches and based upon studying others on these forums (and elsewhere) over the years. To me, that is the beauty of DB -- complete strangers, all flawed, but compassionately trying to help those that might just be at different points along the path.
Speaking for myself, if I see warning signs, I point them out, because I don't want to see people in pain any more than they have to be. That's just me, and -- like Jack (altho we don't always agree) -- am pretty frank about it, and I cut to the chaste. Life is short.
The second point I wanted to make is that ever since you started re-posting your current sitch, you've gone to great lengths to say things like this:
Quote:
The absolute hardest thing about all this, and the thing that is 100% different from my own past experience with my W's affair, different than most of YOUR experiences with your spouse's MLC/affair/etc, is that other than these things surrounding the "affair" if it is that, she is TOTALLY NORMAL towards me. Loves me, is affectionate, we ML, talk well (when not about R), laugh, etc. That is TOTALLY different than last time. Oh, and to this point, she has not admitted an affair at all. Last time she had no problem doing that and then carrying on.
So all these things I am doing, all this reaction, is based on just a few points of contention, albeit large ones. There is none of the context (no ILYBNILWU, no lack of intimacy, no change in overall R behavior, etc) that usually accompanies this. So I feel like I am on an island, making huge decisions based on very little evidence, very little anything other than my feelings that I am sure are in some way tainted by my past experience.
Why are you so convinced that your wife -- if she cheats on you again -- is going to behave the exact same way she did the last time? I could point to dozens of affairs where the straying spouse exhibits:
Quote:
she is TOTALLY NORMAL towards me. Loves me, is affectionate, we ML, talk well (when not about R), laugh, etc. That is TOTALLY different than last time. Oh, and to this point, she has not admitted an affair at all. Last time she had no problem doing that and then carrying on.
Maybe you're not the only one who "learned" from the last time.
She says not at all because she's told me there's nothing going on. She says I should just trust her based solely on her word. Nevermind she's already lied in the midst of all this current sitch and lied a LOT in the previous one. She says our problems are 100% my reaction to her just wanting to go out with friends.
And here, I think, is one of two cruxes to the problem (the other being your inability to enforce your core belief boundaries). And that is -- affair or not -- your wife, having already cheated on you and hurt you deeply once, seems to care NOT ONE WHIT about doing what's necessary to make her husband feel safe again in the marital relationship.
what may be the one thing most lacking in all this is actual proof of the affair. I am SO against snooping, etc but that's what I am struggling with. To me, some deception, or whatever is much more palatable than a full-blow affair. Sure, both are evidence of a damaged marriage but I am more willing to cope with one more than the other. Don't really know how I am going to deal with that unknown.
GH,
My thing here, with what you are saying is...
Is an Affair a dealbreaker now , when it wasn't in the past ?
That is where a boundary would come in...
Because of recent events....
It sounds as if you did not forgive her the first time. And the fear of not knowing now , is bringing up past fear and resentment.
Are YOU okay if this would end today ?
Did you learn from the first go round to be self supportive and not sell yourself out for the sake of the marriage ?
These are HARD questions GH....
They need to be asked...
I really don't need the answers, but you sure do....
and their advice is just the same blanket advice given to those who, as pointed out, are in radically different sitches than mine.