2 years later it's still not getting easier

[whitneypinch]

Hi Augtan,

I am just at a loss today.
Now that my cottage has been sold from under me all my hope and dreams for me and my kids have been taken away. I told my daughter this morning the cottage has been sold. I tried but I could not hold back the tears.

It's probably not a good idea for you or for the kids for your ex to stay with you.
I believe it gives the kids false hopes and hurts them in the end. It would also be too hard on you.

Sorry, don't feel like writing anything today.

[Augtan]

Hey Whitney! So sorry you had such a rough day yesterday!

Do you live in the cottage or is it a vacation place? Why did she sell it? It is okay to cry, you are a real person and your kids need to know that you have feelings too.

Any update on the new woman?

I know what you mean about him staying with us, but when I told him he could, we were moving in a certain direction, not really back together, but it was on the table. When it was going good, right before the blow-up, I had told him that I wanted him to date and such so that he could realize that it isn't so great out there like he thinks it is and that we really do belong together. I told him that he had until December to figure it out and if he wanted his family back we would move back down there in December. It was not a ultimatium or anything, just information, he could take or leave it. I set that deadline because it is the end of the first semester for high school and my son is going to be a freshman in the Fall, he wants to stay here and play football, so when that is over we could move back down there. But, then all the s**t hit the fan and all of that is off the table as far as I am concerned. It has been a very up and down situation since the OW dumped him in Jan. I have seen glimpes of my H a lot, and was getting my hopes up! Now, I have no expectations at all and am going forward like he is non-exsistant. He took advantage of my love for him over and over! I just can't be a doormat anymore!

Well, I hope today is a better day for you! Each day with no contact gets easier and better for me! But, I am lucky cause he lives so far away, I don't have to see him or run into him.

A

[whitneypinch]

The cottage was a vacation place that my ex and I built.
When she left her parents started construction on another cottage for her, right next to theirs (on another lake).
I was able to use the cottage I built until it was sold, so now it is sold.

Sounds like you are doing all the right stuff. Detach, no expectations etc.
Watch the ultimatums as I understand that is a no-no.

So I have been thinking a lot about the woman I met. She has two kids. I am not sure I could handle 4 kids at all. I am thinking it's best for me not to get involved with her.

Being divorced sucks. EVERYTHING becomes so difficult.
I just don't see any happy ending for anyone that is divorced. In fact, in most cases it becomes more difficult. I guess I have this view as I am on the "dumped end". I am pretty sure my ex thinks everything could not be better. For her she has everything she could want in life without the burden of me.

I am feeling ok, but I want to lash out so badly to my ex and my in-laws.
I HAVE to take the high road and not say anything. Saying anything is not going to change a damn thing.

I almost sent my ex a note last night. I was so sad about the cottage being sold. It was our dream place and it is so important to our children. I just felt like reaching out to her, but I did not.
I am being really cold to her right now. I am sure she will view this as how awful I am.

We should not worry about our exes and just try to cope and forge ahead.

[Augtan]

Hey, you are so right about not worrying about them adn doing our own thing!

I did finally have an IM conversation with XH yesterday, completely initiated by him! It was a good one! I am doing all I can not to say a word about anything dramatic! Today he sent me a few emails and told me he was praying for my Mom, who is very sick! It took everything out of me not to reply with "praying? since when do you ever pray, and if you had started doing that 3 years ago we wouldn't be where we are now" But, instead I said "Thanks for praying for my Mom" Which was/is the only Mom he has ever had, his died when he was 8 yrs. old. And, my Mom is the best Mom ever and always treated him like a son! My Dad is the same way! Whatever!

I think you should at least date that woman, just dating someone and having fun doesn't mean you are marrying them and having to take on their kids!! You deserve some fun and company of a nice woman! Go for it! Don't think so much!! LOL!!

Sorry about the cottage, why did it HAVE to be sold? Sounds like they could afford both so your kids would have that one to go to with you! People are so selfish and have no clue what they are doing to other people!

A

[whitneypinch]

That is an interesting development.
You handled it great. Just remember DB. Be kind, not needy and cool.
Also expect him to pull back. They typically poke around, get close and then pull away. If you know that might happen then you will be able to handle it.
Remember no expectations.

I may ask the woman out.

As far as the cottage .... Yep, I agree. The inlaws have more money than you can possibly imagine. They could have kept it in the family so easily.

So, tomorrow is another day.

[Cautious]

((whitney))!! Sorry your cottage was sold, I know it probably held many memories for you with your children.

I hope that things begin to look brighter, even if one day at a time.

[whitneypinch]

Thanks so much Cautious.

This whole thing has given me new feelings of anger towards my ex.
I had been so kind and loving to her for the last 2 years.

I now have NC with her and when she contacts me I am just "to the point" with my responses. I can see she is not happy with that.
I think this is for the best.

[whitneypinch]

Need some help.
My ex suggested that we all go out for dinner on Friday night. (my 2 kids and her).
I said yes.

How do I make sure this is a good experience?
We have done this a few times.

I don't want to do it if it's just her way of smoothing things over between her and I.
I just don't want to do it if it's her ways of softening her guilt of the situation.

I was the one that suggested it would be nice if she was with the kids and I when we do stuff. That is when she said she would love to do things with the kids and I.

Of course I know not to do and R talk.

Suggestions from anyone that has been here...

[Augtan]

Whitney,

I haven't been on here in awhile, because my ex was in town, staying at my house, really playing house!! It was like we were a whole family again for the 4 days he was here. And, for the first time in over 2 years, there was no R talk at all, none. We got along and had a good time. I did make a mistake and when he was upstairs watching a movie, looked in his computer, thought he was sending pics of our kids to a woman and told him I didn't want him to do that, but turns out it was sending them to his facebook. He really didn't get that upset, I told him I was sorry, and that I was a snoop before this mess and am still but working on not being. Everything was fine. Night before last (his last night here), he came in my bed and slept with me snuggling and other stuff. But, totally initiated by him. That wasn't the first time we were "together" while he was here, but it was the first time we actually slept and cuddled all night. I have no idea what he is thinking or doing, and I'm not asking. I think that is making him even more curious about me. My son mentioned that we might move back down there, and ex's face lit up and looked at me, I said that we are not going to move back down there that there is no reason to do that now. Ex just said "oh". I am hoping some seeds have been planted and that he will really start thinking about everything instead of going back into the "tunnel" when he gets back down there today. He did call me from the hotel when he got there last night and we just talked about stuff like we use to when he would go out of town. And, like you, I am the one ending the conversations and saying I have to go, etc.

If I were you I would go to dinner and pretend there is no reason to be upset with her, smile, have a good time with the kids. If you can do that, do it, if you can't then don't go at all. At work yesterday, ex and I talked on the IM about some money stuff, I got upset and said a few things, then said I had to go and signed off. A little while later, he texted me and asked if I wanted to join him and the kids for pizza before he left. I said I did. But I wasn't sure if I could handle it, thought I might have reached my limit (didn't tell him that, just said I would be there), but I went. I walked in with a smile, said hello to everyone, asked about their day, etc. It was so easy to do, and I had no idea it would be. I was so proud of myself. When he left I asked for a hug, shouldn't have, he gave me a half hug. I know he is scared sh**less of what he is thinking and feeling. One minute he is drawn to me and wants to be with us and the next he has no idea what he wants. You have no idea what your ex is really thinking! And, you have no idea when it is going to "click" with her and she is going to realize what really matters in life. I say, go if you can be a happy, fun, desirable person, not for her, but because that is who you are!!

A

[whitneypinch]

Wow,
That all sounds like decent news. Sounds like you are handling it great and keeping expectations in check.

It's funny, I have wanted my ex and I and the kids to do stuff all together for so long...... and now I am luke warm.
We are going to dinner which is an awkward situation in general. We will try to have small talk but that's about it.
I guess I wished it would have come about in a different way. I was hoping that she would have contacted me and asked to go out.
Really what happened is that I suggested last week it would be nice if we were doing stuff together to which she replied she would love to.

I just have waves of different emotions roll over me. One minute I can't wait to see her, although I can be all over her. The next minute I feel I am getting used to being a single parent and her being at dinner will add nothing.

I know what I really want.... I really just want to know wtf she is thinking? Why does she even want to come out with us? Is it me she wants to see or does she just want to see how I am with the kids.
This is causing all the fear in me. I just want to know why she even wants to come out with us.
My "gut" says she is just trying to smooth things over so we can all be great co-parents and both be a part of our kids lives.
The problem for me is that I am a really good dad and do everything with my kids already.
Sadly, I don't really feel like just allowing her to be able to drop in or out whenever she feels like it.

Arrrg..