Just holding on to hope right now...

[I_miss_him]

Hello...I am new here. I have been consumed with reading "stories" here over the past few days and I am getting around to telling mine in hope to recieve some support and advice. So a little about what is going on with me....

I am 31 yr old SAHM to D 9, S 2, S 8 months. Been with my H (30)7 yrs, married 4. My H told me about an EA in Nov 09 that turned to one instance of PA (just kissing) but he still wanted to work it out....he just needed time and space. Well...I blew that because the EA was his employee. He did not fire her (I know...but I completely understand his reasoning some how) and swears that it is over...which I 100% believe and trust me it has taken me awhile to believe him. Anyway....I classically pushed him right out the door with my constant questioning and very mean demeanor. I thought I was the victim and did not listen when he was telling me the reasoning for the EA. I was dealing with PPD for the second time in a row and know that I was not a pleasant woman to live with.

In Jan 10 he has had enough..we fight...he says he is going to stay the night at his Dads but he might be back tomorrow. Well almost 4 months later he is still gone. We have been going to MC with no help. The MC does not care to keep our marriage together. So I don't know if we should go back to him. Anyway...things have gone to I want to work it out to I can't work it out.

He never talks about divorce unless I bring it up (stupid me...I know). And he is not saying that he is filing anytime soon. I have just started to do a version of LRT about a week ago and although he notices the changes it is not enough. He still says it is too late.

I am such a mess. I can't understand how someone could just give up. He has poured everything he has into his business to fill his void. He even sleeps there on most occasions, the other times he is sleeping on his Dads floor (not even in a bed ) But he would rather do that than live with me. He has said that I make him want to kill himself. He hasn't said that one in a bit...but still.

The thing is, I KNOW that we can be happy again. We have had a really good marriage up until he opened his business...then I got needy, depressed, etc....which in turn made him depressed. We had no direction when this started and I just basically lost it. I thought my world was falling apart. And as we all know...desperation is not cute. So....I am MUCH better in that department.

Anyway, I really don't know what I am asking for at this point. Just reaching out to others who know my pain. And looking for hope more importantly....

[newmama]

I believe your H is blaming you because he is still having an A with the co worker.

Short term goal- self improvements, keep up LRT, don't believe things he says to you.Look good, show independence with your actions.

Can you snoop to see if he is still having an A?

[I_miss_him]

Oh yeah...this is why I believe him. I have email pw, cell phone pw, and fb pw. I have also confronted him in her presence. Also his business has a lot of our friends in and out of there...so they have ALL told me that they since absolutely nothing between them except awkwardness...and that he only talks to her about business related issues. So this is where my sense of believing him comes from.

Also, I found out about the kissing about 3 days post through her email account where she stated that it was only a kiss but she wanted more. So...drama drama. But anyway, my h stated that he thought he felt something for her up until that kiss and that after it all those feelings went completely away.



Another thing...stupid I know....is that he took his Harley from the house the other day but left the seat to ride with 2....so he can only ride by himself. That made me a little happy....

He says that now only is the A over but he has no desire to date at all.

[I_miss_him]

Another question.....my husband doesn't ever talk D. He says that it is over...he is never coming back.....but has never initiated the D word nor has he made any real seperate life plans. i.e. seperate bank acct, own apt, etc. Do you think that this is just a guy thing....or do you think that even though he tells me it is over that he is still holding out a little hope??

[newmama]

I think I am not qualified to help you! But I will tell you that they ALL say it's over- that is what makes us sign on to this forum! Some take months or years to divorce or reconcile....
I don't think your H knows what he wants.

you might want to check out the MLC forum and also PEI Mom's thread that says "read this book!" it is about a woman whose H was going through an MLC and she never pressured him to come back home and acted as if he would be returning but was just temporarily going through something....look for PEI mom's thread under newcomers.

[mrbt]

I can understand why he wouldn't file for a divorce; that would require him to start paying child support and perhaps alimony.

The book mentioned in the above reply is called: This Is Not The Story You Think It Is, by Laura Munson.

[I_miss_him]

I don't think he knows whay he wants either....well actually I think I know what he wants. I think he wants more than anything to be the father that he never had but can't see himself doing it if I don't change. I made him miserable and did not make him feel like a man. Was supportive on the surface of his business...but deep down really unsupportive and he obviously sensed that.

I did check out her thread. Thank you for the direction

[I_miss_him]

I can understand why he wouldn't file for a divorce; that would require him to start paying child support and perhaps alimony.

The book mentioned in the above reply is called: This Is Not The Story You Think It Is, by Laura Munson.

Yes true.....but we do not have seperate bank accounts. As it stands I still an a SAHM with all access to his money. He has not expressed a desire to change this in the near future. So that takes that position out of the equation...because he would probably have more money if we divorced....if that makes sense.

[I_miss_him]

Wow....I just saw her short video on amazon and I have to read this book. When she said she didn't buy it, that struck a chord. I feel exactly the same way.

Thanks so much for the recommendation.

[mrbt]

I just started reading that book.

It sounds like you are taking too much of the blame.