It takes time to come through this, man, it took me 6 years to finish, but I did, and your wife will, too. I came out at 41; I'm now 43...and the times weren't easy for me, either, watching my husband be miserable, because he did NOT understand what was happening with me.
It's hard not take her comments/spewing personally; just leave her alone as much as you possibly can..the LBS seems to be ideal for the MLC'er to spew at, I think it's because they are THERE in a way no one else would be.
With this being an emotional battle, it is very hard to understand what they are about, and there are many questions you will never have answered.
Let her go, let God do His work on her. She is the only one who can navigate through...nothing you can do to help her.
Take care of yourself, you are most important right now, you and the children.
Back and forth she goes within the tunnel. Detach more and keep giving her room to process herself as she can.
Take care.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
HB I am in piecing but as of late wonder if I really even belong there. My H says he wants to make the M work however every few months his fantasy OW (one-sided on his part) becomes an issue. I am starting to really feel that he only wants me there because he has nothing better so to speak. OW and I communicate when H acts in-appropriately such as trying to communicate with her about personal things outside work. He treats me well for the most part but connection is not there. he says he wants to do things like getaway weekends but doesn't follow through ect... We are both very busy but his idea of spending time together is in front of the tv at night for an hour or so. We do not do much with any one even though lately he has been into hunting more and more with friends(even though he forgot I like to hunt also). I have the gut feeling that he is attempting contact ow again(he has tried to talk to her once recently) and I am about ready to ask him to leave for my own peace. I am not willing to live like this and made that extra clear after the last big row last fall. I feel all we have been doing is cycling and I feel something needs to give. I guess I feel he has been cake-eating. He has said he just wishes and is waiting for it to go away. Still with all that i have been through I do have to say I have it a lot better than most. Just not enough for me I guess.
Don't know if I make any sense as I have been at this for so long that I don't know what I feel any more.
JAK
SORRY MAT
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Sometimes it takes something as simple as an attitude change to turn them around, especially during cycling. Making yourself less available to him, getting on with your life, AS IF he's not there, coming and going as you please.
You do not always have to tell him what you're doing...just do it, and field questions as you choose to, IF you choose to.
And this move WILL spawn questions from him, but you either don't answer them, OR you be very vague and mysterious about what's going on with you. Apparently, he is "back and forth" saying a whole lot of stuff, but not doing anything about it. This also smacks of him taking you for granted, he's just assuming he can do whatever he wants to and you'll be all right with it. When you are NOT.
The only thing I would NOT suggest is getting involved with anyone else...questions have been asked of me before about dating while the spouse is in the MLC tunnel, and I do NOT recommend it...we are STILL married, even though things are not right within our marriages, adding someone for ourselves will only complicate matters and make them worse than they are.
You know that if you ask him to leave, he may NOT come back, and that is something you have to think about..as once you do it, you can NOT take it back.
You know your husband better than anyone, and it is a crap shoot, regardless of what you do.
An attitude/action change on your part is going to "stir the pot" so to speak, and not only will he start questioning, but will also become very angry, that you are NOT where he thinks you need to be at all times.
It IS possible to go very dark on him; even though he is there, letting him know that when he gets ready to work on the marriage, he will know where you are. But, until then, you have nothing further to say to him. It can even get to the point of leaving the room when he enters it, and that really gets to them, as they've lost control of the LBS, and they do NOT like that at all.
In other words, remove the safety net...YOU, from the equation, and see what happens.
These actions can also open up the possibility of him deciding to leave you on his own...this could go either way; and you need to understand that.
When changes occur, they scramble around seeking to figure out what's wrong, and try to fix it back like it was..as change represents danger to them.
In a total confrontation between you two, he has to be told in no uncertain terms that there is NO room for OW, fantasy or otherwise this is a marriage that contains TWO people, not three; that you are no longer willing to sit on the sidelines.
Also, understand by stirring the pot, it might NOT get the desired result, as this is MLC after all.
But it's a chance you sometimes have to take to force him to move forward, and hopefully back toward you, and a reconnection/rebuilding of your marriage.
We are ALL afraid when we step forward into the unknown; but courage comes out of the fear that's within, and God, in His mercy, will meet us at the very point of our greatest need. He knows your heart and your need, and will help you if you will ask Him to.
I hope this helps you, sorry Matt for the hijack of your thread.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
No need to apologize for the highjack.....I enjoy HB's insight and enjoy reading her comments and advice.
HB,
Thanks for the reply. I agree with what you are saying to me and JoJo. Thanks for the advice. I think I'm going to back off a little more and see what transpires.
No one ever said it was easy, Matt. Detach, detach, detach.. it's all you can do to protect yourself sometimes.
The swirling emotions in evidence within your wife will not make sense most of the time, and you can drive yourself crazy trying to see through the haze....so you just detach some more, get on with your life, pray and pray some more...asking the Lord for the strength to see you through.
No matter what happens, it will be all right...though, it doesn't always seem that way.
I've been there, too. Have faith, the storm will pass; I just don't know when it will do that. Only God knows, and He's working on your wife as we speak.
Take care.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
God has a lot of work to do.. ..I do pray everynight and I am thankful for what I do have. I know I will be alright either way. Sometimes I get so tired of the BS. I'm sure everybody does though.
Detach, Detach, Detach.......I thought I had....but maybe not enough. I'll work on it.
I do have faith and think things will work out but that feeling is definitly starting to waver....at least today!
I stopped to get the kids today and I told her that I might mow the grass the next time I'm over. Her response: an eye roll and something like "I can do it".
I'm thinking I need to detach more when it comes to the house and just let her deal with it.
I agree too. HB does have very good advise as do some of the others. I have been riding the roller coaster of limbo for quite some time and it has not all been bad H is not mean.(He was before his MLC came to the forefront for about a year) but, he is still not present in the M and that is not piecing to me. He has to want to be in the M with just the two of us if not then I'll be fine on my own. I know that.
Good luck on detaching! I'll keep reading.
JAK
Last edited by JoJo's circus; 05/05/1005:42 PM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
..I do pray everynight and I am thankful for what I do have. I know I will be alright either way. Sometimes I get so tired of the BS. I'm sure everybody does though.