You are getting some good advice CHH. Your W has been calling all the shots while you are just reacting the best you can while trying not to get her upset.
The anger that you are feeling...that's a normal stage of grief...you will get past that. Just try not to show her how angry you are.
This may help you to understand the grief process
1. SHOCK & DENIAL- You will probably react with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
2. PAIN & GUILT- As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your spouse. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
3. ANGER & BARGAINING- Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay blame. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationship may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers (God) for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring her back")
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS- Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your spouse, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
5. THE UPWARD TURN- As you start to adjust to your situation, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH- As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life.
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE- During this, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness or giving up hope. But you will find a way forward.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Got myself a nice bedroom set and beds for the kids tonight. Still more to do to get furnished, but on track. Feels good. Nice stuff. Moving to new appt this weekend.
W said to make her a list of anything I needed from house ... only thing as far as furnishings is my leather chair. Pots, pans, and bedding would be a savings. Bedding especially for the kids. But not going to be petty about it. No reason to start dividing the household by furnishings. Important thing is comfortable, safe place for the kids.
Sounds good CH. Keep moving forward and keep your head up!
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
All moved in the apartment. Feels weird. Bachelor pad, but wanting to be a whole family again.
Took me an hour to pick out laundry detergent ... let's see ... Tide ... Cheer .... Gain ... what's cheapest? Ooh, this stuff is good in hot AND cold water ... but this stuff is ideal for delicate fabrics. Do I have delicate fabrics? Are Dockers delicate fabrics? Where's the cheese and summer sausage department--now THAT I understand!
Little hint. Ask the closest person to you in the laundry detergent isle. Great way to pick up your spirits by having small conversations with complete strangers. At least it is for me. BTW Gain was recommended to me by a single mother of four young boys. Now I try and buy anything that is fragrance free as D12 seems to be very sensitive to chemicals.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
Did first load of laundry tonight at new place ... Gain seems to work great. However, dryer runs really hot ... reminds me of my college days when the industrial machines shrunk my clothes. Only difference here is I don't need to plunk in four quarters a pop to turn my duds into Barbie clothes! lol.
Kids will see the place for fir first time on Wednesday. Coming up with chore schedule so we can all work together to keep the place clean and clutter free.
Good luck with the Gain...personally I am one of those "what is the cheapest" type guys. I hope you kids enjoy the place. Maybe offer to have them help with any design stuff i.e. painting, etc that may be needed.
You sound good..strong...keep up the good work!
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Finalizing response to D petition. Going for joint physical custody. Also decided to file a petition for reconciliation. It may do nothing more than slow the D down a bit ... but if nothing else it will give us a chance to establish better communication in co-parenting our children. Right now, we communicate via text and e-mail. Drop off and pick up of kids is from school, so we don't even have physical contact right now. I've been okay with it since seeing her is painful, but it's not good for the kids.
