Thanks everyone. I fly home tomorrow. I am nervous to what I will encounter when I get home. I am reading and re-reading the posts. I wish I would have found ya'll a year ago.
Z, best of luck. Feel free to "draft" your plan here and get feedback (or just draft it to help you organize).
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
You and I have so much in common we should talk. Other than your husband is a bit older than mine and my H's EA has been going on for 3 years now via the internet and secret email accounts with his old high school sweetheart. God I love facebook. I have given H an ultimatum at the end of January which included 'no contact' with a no contact letter. The no contact letter he would not send since he, ya' know, didn't want to talk to her again. And to go to counseling for his addiction. So last week he contacted her again and guess what he promised but never went to counseling. And he too tells me he loves me all the time too. It is crazy making. You are not alone.
His problem is very much an addiction and it is based on fantasy not reality. That is the part that will give you hope. Your long marriage was reality as my IC says. Our marriage of 18 years was very real. My IC says these affairs when you cram them with all of the daily stuff we've endured can't and generally don't last. The euphoria wears off. Statistics say generally most end within 6 months when put to the test. However, I've read longer here on these blogs.
What you need to do first is ask yourself if you love your husband enough to try to save your marriage? And if you do can you get to a point of forgiveness? What was it in the marriage that was lacking (this is the part you played in this) that you need to start working on? And start working on that now so he can see changes in you. It will be necessary for you to grow from the experience.
Read, read, read DB. Over and over. Do the 180's that work for you and the LRT?
That said I am here again on the blogs tonight because I'm at a loss of where to go next. I feel I've DBed right. But my H contacted the EA again after a 75 day break. And he says you can't see that I'm trying. Jeeeezzzz, give me a break. Now I just read all the advice you got and I realize its probably because he hasn't suffered the consequences. I'm going to buy some boxes tomorrow.
Today I delivered a letter that said we need to separate when he returns from boot camp. Oh yeah 46 years old in boot camp so some of this may include some mid-life crisis stuff too.
Like you I am afraid for Sunday to come too when I have to see him after he read my letter.
I will pray for you tonight.
GDH
Last edited by Goingdownhill; 04/23/1007:19 AM.
Let the sideshow begin....
Me 44 H 46 S 13 D 11 Married: 17 Dated: 7
Bomb 7/1//08 ILUBINILWY 2nd Bomb 4/3/09 I'm Leaving You 3rd Bomb 11/2009 - The 3 YR Affair is discovered
Thank you for the prayers. I will pray for you too. This is so very hard. I am sitting at the airport waiting to fly home and worrying about what I will come home to...
I have been pondering what consequence I want to employ. This situation has cause me to be so unable to focus, sleep, eat. And this has been going on for more than 1 year.
It's the FEAR as puppy says. I have never been this scared in my life. I just cannot disconnect from this situation. Maybe it's being dumped and my age. I honestly don't know.
Wishing that I wasn't scared or fearful isn't going to help me. I got to take some action. I feel like if I do take any action, he will just leave me cause he has the OW. I guess I don't have any faith in our R.
This siutation has sucked the confidence, courage and life out of me.
On Sunday, I found a text from the OW to H. It said Tuesday night was fun. Remember I was out of town last week. I found that courage and I told H that there was no more open marriage. The affair needed to over today. He said he broke up with her on Thursday and that he had texted her last week. But the text was a lie. I did some investigating and yes the text was a lie. H was with S at school orientation. I confirmed it. However, no contact is no contact. H agreed to no contact and transparency. However, I don't have any unknown intel for H. So I decided to call the OW. I told her that she needed to stop, she laughed. Then I told her I would tell her daughter what she was doing. That was the key. She got really mad, I told her that she should not be doing things she didn't want to explain to her 11 year old. Well that was it. She texted my H saying that I better not threaten her with her kid. She is in a nasty custody battle. Then demanded via text that H call her. When he didn't call her, she sent the same text about threatening her with her kid. She sent him an email last night that said she couldn't believe he would stay with a person like me and to never contact her again.
H sent me the email he received from her and told me when he saw her in the hall at work. She glared at him. I don't care I will expose to her kid, and expose her on cheaters registry.com and any other place I can find. I have had it.
The old Zen is back and she is a fire breathing dragon. No more. If H continues, he can leave. I will pack his stuff.
I will be married to a man that is emotionally and physically monogamous. End of story.
So I joined the company softball team, and a non competitive golf league. Me Me Me
PS H did buy me a new motorcycle which I am practicing on. H paid for it and it is my name!
Allen, Puppy and Newmama I was scared to death but I did it. I have spend the last 13 months as a doormat. No sure how this will turn out, but I have set some serious boundaries. If H wants the OW he can have her. I will expose him to his clients. Don't behave in ways that you would be embarrased to tell your mom.
Exposure hits home yet again... This strategy seems to be the most effective combo.
Good call on the daughter... And NOW you know how to influence OW... She's in custody battle and can't be compromising her public image with exposure right now.
Don't think this is over ZGT... They are having a fight right now... That's all... It is rarely this easy...
But you have the means to push her buttons now... OWH and OWD are her achilles heel until the custody is sorted out and she can't afford a bad public image right now.
GREAT JOB finding your courage and confronting him! But, like Allen says, it has only just begun. Did you have a list of things you need from your H? Did you check out Melody's thread?
If I were you, I would save the exposure to the daughter for when things start to get worse.
Your H will go through "withdrawal" most likely so be very very alert with your verification of no contact. Will you be going to counseling? Will he?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
It is VERY likley that he will start up again... affairs die out slowly with a lot of going back and forth, starting up, and then ending it again... on and off realtionship just like in high school... you never know if they are "going out" or not...
It does sound like he needed an excuse to get rid of her
Thanks Allen for the heads up that "it's not over". I am at the point that everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. He needs to prove he is not in contact with her.
I'm no longer a believer.....My IC says it is hard to prove a negative. Hmm. I didn't create this problem. He needs to do what it takes. I will keep busting him and exposing him and the OW.
