tired of trying...

[gr8 day 2B alive]

shelbel,

I am new to your sitch and read only the last 2 pages. What caught my eye was our similiarties with the phone calls with the kids.

We split the kids 50/50 and my W works second shift. She likes to call the kids on her break before they goto bed.

My D5 has been trying to get us to talk on the phone for over a month now. She even does the trick of telling us the other one wants to talk to other.

This is a lot pressure on a 5yo.

So I told D5 to stop asking mommy if she want to talk to me.
I told her that when she talks to mommy it is their time for each other and that mommy and daddy talk at other times.

WHen they talk just leave the room. Its been working for me.

TC

[beingreal]

Just dropping by to tell you I'm thinking of you & your family today.

Ummm...that was supposed to be on PEI's thread. Sorry

[beingreal]

Thank you gr8, I tried doing that yesterday--I'll have to make a more pointed effort of it from now on. And I'll have to remember what you said to your daughter about it being *their* time. That would be wise on my part to focus on them and their relationship when it comes to their time together. If I'm not even in the room when they are talking, I can't be accused to using their phone calls to get to him.

I moved some stuff around last night. I like it. I wonder if I'm just trying to keep myself busy so I don't really think about what's going on. I found some wedding pictures last night--we looked so happy. He looked so happy. Not with the perpetual scowl he's been wearing for so long now. That's the man I miss, the one in the pictures.

But I've been grieving that loss for a while now. Maybe that's why it's been so easy for me to let him move out this time--I'm mad at him for taking the man I loved away from me. The same way I'd be heartbroken and angry had he died in an accident because of a careless driver.

It might be easier if he was gone because of an accident. Or if there was another woman I could be angry with. But there's not. There's just him. And me. And the mess we made together.

I have no desire to rip up wedding pictures, or say horrible things about him public (although I was more than happy to say horrible things about him to his face). And I'm not ready to put those pictures away just yet, either.

I was reading on another section about handling the ambivalence you feel about not really wanting to get back together with your spouse. One poster said that you just let yourself feel the sadness and the emptiness without feeling the negativity of the problems you helped create. I think maybe that's why I'm starting to become sad--not angry or bitter. I've been angry & bitter for a few years already. My loving R/M was replaced with this noisy, ugly, stressful one--and now that noise has stopped, the sound of the silence is deafening.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

shelbel.

I read your your sitch from page 1.
From what you wrote and from my experience this is IMO- Husbands(men) want to be able to provide for their families. It give them a sense of worth. For me, I know since before I was married I was always worrying about how am I going to afford a home for/with my W? Stressing about it made me have anxiety. I did see a doctor about it way back then but they just said it was because of a life change.
Then 4 months after I was married I was layed off. More stress.

Then after finding a less paying job, W talked about having kids. More stress.

I can keep going about my life changes and how it stressed me out but I don't have all day.

My point is our H maybe having those feelings too.
Being out of work and not contributing to the family has taken a toll on him. He feels inadequate and that is leading to anger.


I know that anxiety can lead into depression(My Case).

I handled it the wrong way too but now see solutions.

When your husband gets anger, has he been drinking?

What exactly is the reason he said to you he wanted out?

Remember this is going to be a marahon not a sprint, and your just getting out of the gates.

I'll tune in later on my lunch break.
Stay strong Gr8

[beingreal]

Thank you Gr8, I really appreciate it.

I figured a lot of it was because of our situation. I tried so hard for so long to make him feel like the *man* of the house. He'd get mad because he felt I was patronizing & stop helping around the house--it was the only thing he felt he could control. So I'd back off & start doing everything myself which just made me more of a bitch in his eyes because I didn't respect him enough to handle things. After awhile I just started to shut down. It didn't matter, everything that was wrong was my fault.

I've been asking him for years to get checked out because there is something wrong, I'm sure. He answer is usually to tell me that I'm his only problem. I hope someone can get through to him--for his own sake.

H has actually had a problem with substance abuse in the past. Once before he met me, and again while we were married. I work in the medical field & I can honestly say I never saw it. He was just that good at hiding it. When he told me my first reaction was to help him through this, to keep our family together. Not self pity, or even anger--I mean I was angry at him for putting us through that, but I never considered leaving him over it. That part still surprises me. I stood by him and supported him in every way I could while he was doing outpatient treatment. We'd been through the good, that was just part of the *for worse*.

He was clean and sober for well over a year and a half. Then it was a beer here and there. I wasn't happy--we'd totally gone dry in our house. He didn't drink, I didn't drink. I don't have a drinking problem--I have trouble finishing beer #2, but there is a ton of alcoholism on both sides of my family. Not in my immediate family, but I saw how my grandfather's drinking destroyed my father's family. My mother's family was more the happy-go-lucky kind of drunks. Don't care--didn't need it in my house. Go figure, I wasn't raised by addicts, but I ended up marrying one.

Anyway--H & his best pal got this crazy idea to start making their own wine. Yeah, I know--that's what I said. He didn't make tons, he gave most of it away and he seemed to be enjoying it--even proud of it. So...whatever. I watched him, but didn't let him know.

Then wine making turned to beer making & he would typically drink a couple a night. Not enough to get drunk on--but who knows what else that lead to? He very well may have a drug problem again. I can only guess at this point.

And yes--he's been doing this for almost 25 years, he really is *that* good at hiding it.


He never really said he wanted out. He will tell anyone who will listen that I threw him out. He'd tell me he wanted out only when we were fighting, and even then I think it was only to scare me. I'm the one who wanted out. And I'd told him before that I love him, I just didn't like who he's become. That only starts a whole new barrage of how controlling I am, and how I want him under my thumb and how he's only the babysitter. The night he left he told me to bring him divorce papers, he'd sign them because he f&^%ing hated me.

He's said he doesn't love me anymore. I think that's a lie. I think he'd like to pretend he doesn't, it would hurt me. And it did. But his way of showing me love is not at all acceptable. I won't stand for it. I won't let my children see it. I do not deserve it.

Sorry this one got so long, too. lol I'm a bit wordy.

There are so many options to choose from: stress, anxiety, fear, anger, drugs, alcohol. Who knows? Maybe I really am a controlling bitch. But I don't think so. Not unless you can define it as someone who stands up for what's right, no matter how hard it is.

I'm going to catch up on your sitch, too.

I have so much to learn.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

shelbel,

it does sound like he's not 100% clean. Mood swings and irritation about small stuff is a good sign.

The night he left he told me to bring him divorce papers, he'd sign them because he f&^%ing hated me.

Do not do any of the legal work for him.
don't even gring it up.

My W said to me 2 months ago we should seek LC. I am still waiting for to arrange to meeting. Use this time for you.

I know you want to see quick changes but for your sitch, the dust hasn't even settled yet. That may take another 3-6 months.

Just giving you a heads up on the time frame.
A lot can happen in a few seconds good or bad, it's just the waiting that's the hardest part.

You will lose more weight too. I dropped 40 in my first 3 months.
I was by no means "HEAVY" at 6'4" 240lbs.
I did drop below 200 but now I am a steady 205.

I won't allow myself to get 240 again. Just like if given the chance, I won't let my M be in jeopardy.
Hang in there take control of the things you can and don't was energy on those things you can't.

[beingreal]

Okay, I can get that.

I have a few questions though...

1. So even though I've already paid the initial money for the paperwork, just leave it in limbo? And don't laugh, I really did find a website that does all of the court documents for you before you see the lawyer. I still have hope that we can amicable during this. You may call me delusional if you'd like. Just leave it there & wait for him to bring it up? He mentioned it once the other day, I think he may have just been testing the water.

2. What about money and insurance? I just got a notice for the car insurance premiums coming due. Pay them & act like nothing has changed because legally it hasn't?

3. He flung his ATM card at me before he left...and I cut it up. I haven't called the credit union to find out how to get his name off of the account. I think I remember from last time that there were papers he needed to sign--but I haven't called. What if he says he needs money? I know he should get a job, but what until then?

4. He told S6 that he *might* be at his TBall practice tomorrow. H was supposed to be the Coach , but backed out last minute because he moved out. How to act if he is there? What if the kids invite him back to the house? We are at the point last time where I invited him over for dinner, a movie & some time with the kids & he never left. Only difference is that this time I don't want him to move back in. Not like this.

5. Without demanding blood tests, how do I determine if he is doing drugs again? His parents wouldn't like that, but they were clueless when he was a teenager. They won't have caught on any quicker now that they are older.

6. In the end, am I just to act like everything is fine? Even though, according to him, I'm the one who kicked him out? He told me he hated me, I told him if he was that unhappy to leave. I gave him the out, he took it & I didn't stop it. I don't know what you'd call that, or which side of the fence I'm supposed to be on.


Thank you so much for helping me. Now I really must go do some housework. lol

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Shelbel.
I'll help you where I think I can and if I can't offer youhelp then I'll leave those questions for others. Fair enough?

One question first.
Other than H saying he hates you, what other reason(s) would you think he's wanting to leave?

1. So even though I've already paid the initial money for the paperwork, just leave it in limbo? And don't laugh, I really did find a website that does all of the court documents for you before you see the lawyer. I still have hope that we can amicable during this. You may call me delusional if you'd like. Just leave it there & wait for him to bring it up? He mentioned it once the other day, I think he may have just been testing the water.

When I thought there was no hope I too printed out paperwork for D, so I won't laugh at the things you do. My W doesn't want to lose thousands of dollars on legal fees. I don't either. She went to a mediator to find out information about a post marital agreement. The initial consultation maybe free so this might be something you should explore. This will also buy you more time.

2. What about money and insurance? I just got a notice for the car insurance premiums coming due. Pay them & act like nothing has changed because legally it hasn't?

What exactly is in your name? His name? and Joint? This info is needed.

3. He flung his ATM card at me before he left...and I cut it up. I haven't called the credit union to find out how to get his name off of the account. I think I remember from last time that there were papers he needed to sign--but I haven't called. What if he says he needs money? I know he should get a job, but what until then?

If this account is in both your names you need to open your own account and start paying bills through it. I just recently did this for myself. Protect yourself and kids.

4. He told S6 that he *might* be at his TBall practice tomorrow. H was supposed to be the Coach , but backed out last minute because he moved out. How to act if he is there? What if the kids invite him back to the house? We are at the point last time where I invited him over for dinner, a movie & some time with the kids & he never left. Only difference is that this time I don't want him to move back in. Not like this.

If you do not want to have him back then you need to tell S6 not to ask him back to the house. Tell S6 on the way to the game that adult(mommy ad daddies) need time apart.make an analogy that he will rlate to like: "You know when you(S6) and your friend X weren't playing nice and need to take a break from each other? Well grown ups go throught the same things too. We need time apart too." ****Don't forget to give him reassurance that you love him and everything will be OK.
If you do see H at game don't discuss R just focus on S. If he tries to R talk tell him this isn't the time or place but you can talk some other time. Make yourself busy after the game so he doesn't try to go back to the home to talk.

5. Without demanding blood tests, how do I determine if he is doing drugs again? His parents wouldn't like that, but they were clueless when he was a teenager. They won't have caught on any quicker now that they are older.

You know your H the best. Do you think he is back using again?? What problems in the past has this caused? Are you seeing them again?


6. In the end, am I just to act like everything is fine? Even though, according to him, I'm the one who kicked him out? He told me he hated me, I told him if he was that unhappy to leave. I gave him the out, he took it & I didn't stop it. I don't know what you'd call that, or which side of the fence I'm supposed to be on.

This is hard but that's what they say here."Act as IF"
Be happy in front of him.

The phrase I saw a lot this week was" Fake It Until You Make IT".

These are my view points from my process, others may have different view and that's OK. Take what you think is best for your Sitch.
I'll check back later this evening. My Friday night plans fell through.

[beingreal]

I'm sorry about your plans, gr8. And I'm sorry I just threw all those questions out there. I didn't really mean for you to answer them all by yourself. lol...I'm hoping someone else wants to jump, too.

Well--yesterday's update--S6 had been asking to call H every few hours, and since I told him he could call anytime he wanted, I let him. H wasn't happy & asked me to stop. He's working outside at his parents house and doesn't want to stop to answer the phone. Okay, fair enough--we'll stick to the 730pm agreement. I then had that conversation with S6 about asking him to come over. I used your example almost ver batim.

I called the credit union yesterday afternoon, spoke with the girl who helped us open the accounts. I explained what was going on--you can't remove him from the account without him coming in to sign, but you can close the accounts & reopen them in my name alone. Which is what I did. I have all the receipts for what was closed, how much was in it & everything is labeled for future reference. We literally have next to nothing since he's been in school, I just want to be above reproach. I'm not looking to screw him over, I just want to protect myself.

The credit cards & all of the utilities are in my name. The cars & car insurance are in his name. We both have life insurance policies--the premiums come out of the checking account. I need to call them Monday and see about changing beneficiaries. I'm pretty sure I can keep the policy on him, just to help with the kids if something happens. We are living in a property that my grandmother owns & pay rent to her estate via my father--so my landlord is very forgiving. lol

Speaking of my father...I finally saw my parents yesterday. My father is really upset with H--ready to go to *war* he said. I told him no one is going to war...H is mad and lashing out, like a child. Ride it out & don't make it worse by responding to everything. You don't have to engage in every fight you're invited to. I also reminded my family that I don't want people talking badly about him. Not only is it painful to realize that I am still married to someone who can behave like this, but I don't want the kids to overhear bad things. He is the only father they are going to have--I am not going to destroy their relationship to make myself feel better. He's doing a good enough job of that himself.

I've decided not to tell him about the accounts or the insurance yet. I'm not hiding it from him, there is just no reason to bring it up right now. It will only anger him. He's angry enough without trying to add fuel to the fire.

This morning was the first practice for Tball that H was supposed to coach. I took the equipment to the field and was met by a group of parents who looked about as lost as I did. The new coach wasn't there--just me. Ummm.... I managed to run through the roster & get the kids on the field to run some bases & field some balls. By the time the coach got there I was out of ideas. I was so glad when he finally took over. I had to leave the field because I was near tears. I don't know why. I did tear up later as I was giving the coach all the paperwork & going over what I knew. They were just as clueless as I was.

Don't know why it took Tball practice for me to finally feel some resentment towards H. I came home I cleaned the mess in the garage. Took me three hours--but I did it.

Moving forward...but starting to feel it. It's starting to feel real.

If you've made it this far, here's a little reward...

The friend I mentioned earlier who has cancer has a *Bucket List* that she is actively marking things off of. It's become a group effort for those of us in her circle to *make things happen* for her. Someone found her blog, read her bucket list & saw that she wanted to meet Tim McGraw. They just happened to have tickets to his concert last night, so they GAVE them to her! With like two days notice her sister emailed his management group, told them about my friend & she ended up going backstage for a preshow acoustic concert!! She met him, got pictures, a hug & a kiss. Another dream come true & another one off the bucket list.

Finally some happy tears this week.

Just thought I'd share that. :o)

[beingreal]

5. Without demanding blood tests, how do I determine if he is doing drugs again? His parents wouldn't like that, but they were clueless when he was a teenager. They won't have caught on any quicker now that they are older.

You know your H the best. Do you think he is back using again?? What problems in the past has this caused? Are you seeing them again?


6. In the end, am I just to act like everything is fine? Even though, according to him, I'm the one who kicked him out? He told me he hated me, I told him if he was that unhappy to leave. I gave him the out, he took it & I didn't stop it. I don't know what you'd call that, or which side of the fence I'm supposed to be on.

This is hard but that's what they say here."Act as IF"
Be happy in front of him.

The phrase I saw a lot this week was" Fake It Until You Make IT".

These are my view points from my process, others may have different view and that's OK. Take what you think is best for your Sitch.
I'll check back later this evening. My Friday night plans fell through.

I got all the way through that (was writing in chunks as the day has progressed) and realized I hadn't answered some of your questions.

Let's see...

I'm going to let things calm down a bit before I do anything. Not to give him time to come back, or time to fix the M, but time to calm down a bit. Nothing good can come of pushing things while he is so mad. But thank you for the clue about a mediator.

I don't know if he's using again. Do I think so? Yes, I do. But I'm also very likely to believe the worst right now. I do believe that if he wasn't before he left, he will be soon enough. I know some of the friends he has down there, it's a norm for the people in that circle. And another reason I've always been afraid of him leaving & my kids going to visit him. I have no control in what the will see or what he'll be doing.

A have a coworker who's xH came to get their kids, she had already put the one in the car seat & was leaning in the car saying goodbye to other when she noticed the open beer can. He had come to get their kids drunk. She tried to get them out, he locked the doors, pulled away & sped off. She dialed 911 and they pretty much did nothing, he was across town & in his house before they caught up to him. Crap like that scares me.

But I digress. Again. lol

Why would he leave? Well, let's see. According to him...I'm controlling. And a bitch. And keep him on a short leash. And only want him here to babysit. And wanted him to finish college so he could get a better job so I could get more money.

I know there's more. Give me a minute.

I let him do all of the housework, I refuse to fold & put away laundry. I'm lazy. I'm on the internet too much. I shop too much & love to spend money(grocery shopping & clearance sales all year for kid's clothes & Christmas gifts does not a shopaholic make). I think I'm better than him. I hate his family. I'm secretly looking for his replacement.

I'm sure I could think of more things he's laid out there in the past few months--but this is giving me a headache.

Maybe he's right. Maybe he really does hate me.

*sigh*