tired of trying...

[beingreal]

Thank you all for your advice. I appreciate it so much.

He was so mean, the entire time he was here. I stepped into the garage once to get a soda & was met with "What do you want?".
"I'm just getting a soda."
"Well don't you get nasty with me! You're the one who threw me out so you can just can right back inside."

No response from me. Later he dragged me up to the attic to show me where stuff was. I still wouldn't engage so he says, "Oh, what, you're going to be nice now that you've thrown me out? Is that it? The time for being mean is over? I've got news for you, I don't care if you're nice to me."
"You think calling me a 'F^*(ing C^*%' was nice?"
"I never called you a ________________!"
"Okay. Whatever."
"I NEVER CALLED YOU A __________!!"

Don't know why I lost it. I'm still learning this. Down the ladder I go.

As he was leaving I said, "Call me later in the week so we can work out some weekends."

"What's there to work out? I get them a couple weekends a month. Big deal."
"Okay, well we'll talk later when you're calmer."
"I am calm. How hard is it to understand? Tell your mom to step up and watch them. I DON'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE!"
"Yes, H, I know you don't live here anymore. Everyone knows you don't live here anymore. But you are still their father and you still have a responsibility to them."
"Yeah, a couple times a month."
"Okay, listen--you don't hurt me when you say stuff like that. You aren't hurting me, H. You are hurting them. They are the only ones who are going to pay."
"Well you should have thought of that before you threw me out."
"Okay then. Thanks for coming. Goodbye."


The garage is a disaster. I can't even begin to clean it up. My father is going to bring some shelves in the next day or so. He still thinks I should reach out to my mother. It's never occurred to him that she is never the first to apologize. I finally told him that I wasn't going to call her, not because I wanted to continue yet another war--I just don't have the strength right now. I have a bigger crisis right now and I don't have the energy to waste on anyone else. It's self preservation.

I'm so tired.

Keep your suggestions coming. I promise I'm listening.

[timehealsall]

hugssssssssssssssss.. you are doing very well.he seems to be losing it. hang in there.

[beingreal]

hugssssssssssssssss.. you are doing very well.he seems to be losing it. hang in there.

*sob* lol...if I don't lose it first. I feel like the entire freaking universe is conspiring against me. Seriously, thank God for this forum or I'd be driving everyone IRL absolutely nuts. Right now y'all are the only ones with a clear view of my crazy. Lucky, lucky you. lol


I did decide that I will let the kids call him nightly--only because I really don't want to add any extra expense to his parents who only live on SS. I will dial the number at 730 every night and if H is there, then great. If he is not, then I'm sure my MIL would love to talk to her grandkids. Along with H's 96 year old grandmother who lives with them. This has got to be killing her.

Time to get dinner on the table. Thank God for crockpots, too.

Honestly, thank you guys. Even just for reading this much. Now if I could pound out chapters like I'm pounding out posts lately.

[timehealsall]

Thank god for this forum is right.. It's given me hope. And not just hope that I MAY get my H back and my M on track but truly because it's made me realize that above all, I will have a life and I WILL be happy no matter what!

We are here for each other!

I think that's a good idea. You're not doing this for you. You're doing this for the kids. They need that. My heart breaks for them. esp. having little ones of my own.

Enjoy your dindin!

[beingreal]

Note to self...do not let the kid's call turn into mommy & daddy fight over the phone. Well, Daddy fought, Mommy just listened. Mainly.

At least they weren't around for it--they were playing.

In a nutshell, he had S6 put me on (won't be doing that again), the first couple of minutes he was actually calm & pleasant. Then the beast in him woke up & it was on like donkey kong. For him, anyway. Mostly about the kids--why he couldn't come visit them, why I was to blame, how they needed to be *weaned* from him anyway since he wouldn't be there. Just ran down a list of the past few days & how most of it was my fault.

I threw him out like a piece of garbage because I didn't love him anymore. I told him that wasn't true--I loved the man I married, I loved him still--I just couldn't let him be mean to us anymore.

"Well, I don't love you. I haven't for a long time."

Well okay then. There it is. Do I believe it? No. I think he just wanted to hurt me. And it worked. And I cried & he heard.

A few more words, him saying that the only problem we had was our marriage. I told him that wasn't true--our marriage paid the price for our problems, but it wasn't the cause of our problems. (I told you I was paying attention to the Laura Munson piece). We each have our own stuff to fix.

He started rattling off a list of things he was going to do while he was at his mom's. At first it was supposed to sound pathetic--but then he started talking about fixing the second house on the property up--probably for him so he could stay there and help them...ended with, "Who knows? Maybe this is going to be good for me. Maybe this is just what I need."

Maybe it is. I hope so. He needs to stand on his own two feet again. Figure out who he is again. If not for me, or our M (which I'm 99.99% positive is O.V.E.R.), then at least for himself. The thought of him being a miserable, lonely old man is still sad to me, even though I'm not even remotely interested in being around him as a lonely miserable old man. Is it normal that I honestly want him to be happy? This early in the game, I mean? I don't want to make him "pay". I don't see the point. We've all paid enough already. I just want to be happy.


It ended with a few more jabs at me. I had toughened up by that point & didn't let it get to me. That quote from earlier was running through my brain "Believe half of what you see & none of what you hear." So I ignored it.

But will someone who's been in his shoes please explain something to me...wth does he want from me? Is he going to feel better if I cry? He'd said that earlier in the convo--I told him I understand he is angry & he said, "That's the point--you're not angry at all!!"

So what does he want? Is being pissed & acting like a royal Britch going to make him feel better? A broken heart is measured by it's direct correlation to stupid, hateful reaction?

What does he want from me?

I won't be talking to him tomorrow night when the kids call. But fwiw--I did talk to his 96 year old grandmother & she was excited to talk to the kids.

<~~not going to take this out on people who don't deserve it.

btw--you guys getting tired of all the up to the minute play-by-plays?

[MrBond]

Well I havent' been in your H's shoes, but I can tell you that the majority of us have been through the same thing.

I believe alot of it comes from one thing...fear.

The WAS is afraid of their own decisions, who they are, etc. And they feel they have no control over it. So they blame the one person who is closest to them - the spouse.

That's why it's important to not stand there and be the target. Sure you can validate, but there's going to come a time when they need to hear the truth. When your H starts ranting like that and starts blaming you for stuff, just stop him and say "you know, from what I recall it wasn't true and maybe you should really think about what you're saying" and then say "goodbye". Oh he will be pissed beyond belief, saying that he can't believe you're being such a b@tch. Or better yet this is what how he's reacting...

"wah why won't you listen to me? my life is horrible because of you. wah wah. Where's my blankie?"

Don't encourage him by arguing back. It's just not going to work. You just sitting there taking it, isn't going to work either. You need to do a little bit of both.

It's hard as hell, but you know what the truth is and let that comfort you.

Don't answer all his calls. Keep the messages short and to the point. Just 'yes' and 'no'. When he questions why you are "behaving that way" just tell him that you do not appreciate being spoken to that way and then end it.

Then start GAL. Make yourself and the kids your first priority.

[beingreal]

Thank you, MrBond. I found myself losing focus last night while I was on the phone. The first minute of the conversation just got my hopes up. Like he'd suddenly and miraculously recover in a few hours.

I think I have this vision of two adult people who actually like each other & love their kids. I think I need to get over that really quick. Maybe. Someday. But not anytime soon.

In other news my dear friend who has cancer was given bad news yesterday. Her oncologist at OSU told her chemo only, no surgery, and 0% chance of survival past two years. He next stop is MD Anderson for another opinion. I am just heartbroken for her.

And suddenly my problems don't look that bad.

[PEI]

(((shelbel))) that's tough news for your friend. Tomorrow is the first anniversary of the death of my 4 year old neice so I understand completely about how things can quickly bring our situations into perspective.

To add to what Mr. Bond says ... I also think the WAS wants us to get mad because it makes their life easier and the decisions they're making easier to handle for them. It helps them "justify" what they are doing. If I get mad and react and lose it then he can say "see, I was right, she's a crazy bitch, I'm outta here". I won't give him that. I won't make this easier for him and I won't help him justify his decisions.

H's sister called me the other day to see how I was doing and she told me that she told H that she thought I was amazing and that most people in my position would have shown him the door. That he is lucky to have a spouse willing to give him time and space without all the drama. It's nice to know my efforts are not going unnoticed

[beingreal]

Thank you, PEI. And ((((hugs)))) and prayers for the anniversary of your niece's death. Such a heartache is not easily healed.

Better today. S6 wanted to talk to him, so I dialed the phone & handed it to him. He talked for a few minutes, put S2 on the phone, then as he's walking back I hear him say, "Okay, I'm pushing the button that says *end*, right? Okay, bye." And hung up.

Apparently H doesn't want to talk to me anymore than I want to talk to him today. Good enough.

I did move all of my uniforms out of the armoire and into the closet. All of a sudden I had the idea of putting the shelf back in the armoire & putting my printer & laptop in it. Getting rid of some of the clutter. making the space my own instead of crowding all my stuff to make room for someone else.

I'm doing well today.

[beingreal]

Just dropping by to tell you I'm thinking of you & your family today.