Thanks Trapt....I was wondering if anyone would know what I was talking about.
I tried to look up your sitch and found 3000+ posts. I checked a few but none were yours. When I have time I'll research more...so I can be up to date.
Matt, here is the answer I posted for you on Mandyloo's thread:
Hello Matt-14, (Sorry Mandyloo for hijacking your thread)
Quote:
I don't mean to highjack your thread but if I could ask HeartsBlessing to expalin more about being afraid of the dark. I still talk to my wife daily when I see the kids. When the kids are with me she sleeps on the couch and I asked her why. She basically said she is scared to sleep upstairs by herself. I said of what and she said the dark, monsters and she sort of trailed off. I do feel terrible for her, I'm out of the house and the happiness hasn't followed yet. I just don't understand the being afraid of the dark thing.
While the Midlifer is going through the transition/crisis, the feelings that come about are literally child-like...it's as if the fears of the "boogeyman" from childhood come back to life.
I experienced the same feeling as I went through, I was afraid of the dark, or what I THOUGHT was in it. I also saw my husband go through this same thing..he slept with the TV on, and a light on in the bathroom...it was to "chase away the monsters", as I recall. When he'd say that, he'd look at me to see if was going to laugh at him or ridicule him...I did neither, I just left the light in the bathroom on as requested, never saying a word.
As I'd already seen "children" within his personality, I had no trouble accepting his explanation. One child was as young as 4 years old, the other was a 15 year old teenager. The teen wasn't afraid of the dark, but the 4 year old was. Quite honestly, I liked the 4 year old, and was protective of him....I had to keep reminding myself that he wasn't REALLY a 4 year old, but the actions were so typical of one, it kept trying to "trigger" the mother in me...and I had to keep myself from appearing as "mother" to him. Yet, I took care of him, soothed his fears, and let him lean on me. Our son got a kick out of what was going on, and played with both children at different times.
As the children within are being "settled", the Midlifer is taking a trip back into his/her childhood, and along with that trip, comes the fear of the dark....a replay of sorts in that area of their lives. The children come from unsettled issues within them that came from damage done in childhood to their psyches..and these come forward to be settled as they go through the transition/crisis.
It sounds strange, I know, but it's TRUE...the adult part of the Midlifer knows those fears are silly, but the CHILD part of them doesn't know the difference, and when they try to explain it, the adult part of them fears that they will be thought of as nuts or crazy. That's why your wife trails off when trying to explain why she can't sleep upstairs alone..the adult part of her fears you'll think she's crazy, when really, she's not...there ARE children existing within her that come out from time to time. These fears are VERY real to her, even if you don't understand them.
Something also about the dark, and the quiet, unsettles them, and their minds are the most active at night of all times...I'm not sure why that is, although I, too, experienced the SAME thing.
I'm thinking it's most likely because during the daytime there is enough activity to keep the mind occupied, but at night, you cannot stop the fears from coming through..and those fears can take the form of childhood monsters you were frightened of as a child.
Being afraid is normal in the transition/crisis..there are so many things that have to be faced. Then you add in the "children", and it gets really hard for them.
I don't look for her "happiness" to come about since you've left the house...she will, in time, figure out it is not YOU, nor is it anything to do with you...it is ALL about her, it always was.
I hope this helps, Matt. Always remember this is a spiritual battle of the mind and emotions..and there's nothing you can do to help her..she must help herself.
You can only be there when/if she needs you.
May God help you and her to come through this crisis. Much love, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Don't know if HB monitors all posts. If your main goal is contact with her, consider a thread title addressed to her attention.
"A question for HB" or maybe "Hey HB, pull that rig over"
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!
I wouldn't mind, but the last time I directed the starting thread to someone in particular, I got into a bunch of crap with that person, yet, I did it in ignorance, having been gone for over 8 years. SO...this way was better, as I caught Matt's starting thread.
I wouldn't even go as far as to say I have ALL the answers...I do not...there are others who know just as much as I do, and those that know about other aspects of this, that I didn't have to deal with. I didn't have half the drama some have had, and other than the separation that comes with truck drivers and their wives, my husband never moved out...and neither did I when I went through.
I post as I can, am unable to monitor every post that comes in...not superwoman, that's for sure. Also, I'm a trucker like my husband is...and so I work, and sometimes hard...it's not unusual for me to disappear for a time, then reappear.
I've been out of this a long time, having survived his AND my transitions.
Ask away, though, and I will answer the best I can.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
HeartsBlessing....back to being afraid of the dark. Is there a time frame for that occuring. Does it happen in the beginning stages or throughout?
It happens throughout the crisis/transition. As long as the children are still there to be settled, the childlike feelings persist within; at times, rebellious, yet, continuing to grow in an emotional sense.
Don't be surprised if you're talking to a child who has no sense of responsibility, yet functions as a woman should.
That DOES include being afraid of the dark, and what they THINK is in it. The human mind can blow so many things up into something that is SO much bigger than it really is...at least until it's thrown out onto the table.
But you cannot force them to talk about it. You can only be there when/if needed..and that is hard, as you want to comfort and help...and maybe fix it for them...but that is NOT to be.
This may not help you...but your wife has been going through this for what, around 3 years or so? It took me 6 years to navigate mine..and mostly, it was because my husband wouldn't leave me alone so I could get through more quickly. I've been out for a little over 2 years.
I'm not angry with him now about it...I just remember it was difficult for me.
Through that I finally gained an even better understanding of why the LBS must draw away, besides the fact they, themselves need to learn and grow in this opportunity to find their individuality again.
There are times when LBS is needed by the MLC'er, but the LBS is the ONLY one who would know when that time is.
Each person is different in the coming through...but the basic things are the same.
The quickest way to get through is to face ALL issues, including the wounded children within.
In the meantime, you must focus on YOU, learning the lessons of a lifetime, making changes within yourself that facilitate your growing; understanding once again that you and your wife are individuals, although the two become one in marriage.
Hope this helps.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I tried to look up your sitch and found 3000+ posts. I checked a few but none were yours. When I have time I'll research more...so I can be up to date.
Oh boy...LOL!
I did a lot of goofing off. There is some serious stuff mixed in here and there but you'll have a tough time finding it.
