tired of trying...

[knittedscarff]

So I'm back--apparently I cannot do this on my own. I need some help before I permanently damage our kids. No matter how our marriage works out, they deserve much better than what they have right now.

Maybe the first question you need to answer is why don't you yourself believe what you wrote?

If you really thought your kids deserved better, you would have left your H or stopped letting him yell at you or the kids.

Why don't you think you deserve better?

Once you get than answered, everything else is a piece of a cake.

[beingreal]

Okey dokey then.

I asked myself those questions, scarff. And when he came home & started in again I asked him those same questions. So when he started screaming that I should just divorce him because he wanted one anyway, I took him up on it.

It might be lame, but we're going to start the paperwork on one of the DIY sites & then submit them to lawyers.

So I guess that's that. Welcome to my bomb.

I'm going to puke. I'll write more later, he's yelling at me from the kitchen & overly involving the kids already. I kept telling him that we needed to start looking for dissolutions when he was actually capable of having a calm discussion. He just kept yelling that I needed to f&*^ing do it because he f*&^ing hated me. So here we go.

[luvless]

(((shel))))

it's just plain abusive what your H is doing....get him out of your house

[beingreal]

omg...

He's out. He left a little while ago. he took all that time to pack. He made a huge production out of it, telling me not to throw his stuff out, telling me how much he hated me & how he was never coming back. he said that he wasn't ever coming back--of course the kids took that to mean that they are never going to see him again. He means that he won't come here to pick them up. he's just hateful. This all could have been done in private, away from the kids. I will never understand why he drags them into the middle of every fight.

My head is killing me.

I was doing okay, really okay for a little while. I think it's so long coming that it's almost a relief. The total shocker was when I called my mother to tell her that he was leaving & she started yelling at me. She retired last year to "help me", my father just retired, they live five minutes away. but it's too much for her to come over & help me so I can keep my job. I leave for work at 4:20am, I get home at 6pm. it's too inconvenient for her to get up to help me. I'm supposed to stay in a miserable marriage with a miserable man because it's too much work for her.

I can handle this being over--I'm more upset that I'm literally been abandoned by the one person in the world i thought i could count on. i feel like I'm giving everything I have to everyone & I get nothing back in return because I just surrounded by selfish, thoughtless people who care about themselves more than they do me OR my kids. it's just over the top. I can barely wrap my brain around it.

I called my MIL as soon as H left. I wanted to tell her what was going on before he got there & twisted it all around. H was married before to a woman who took his SS away from the family. It doesn't sound like *that* big of a deal, except she was 15 when she had the baby (not H's baby), and moved into his mom's house when the baby was 6 weeks old because her own mother threw her out. H married her five years later when he got out of the navy because he felt that SS needed a father. So when she left, SS was 9 & H's parents had practically raised this child. They never saw him again & it was heartbreaking. I met H at the tail end of all of that mess, so I saw how devastated they were.

I called to tell her what was going on, that H was most likely on his way there & to say that I would never, ever keep the kids from them or from H. She made a comment about us not liking each other anymore and I told her that I actually still loved the man I married, I just don't know who this man is anymore. (And I really do miss the man I married.) She said, "...I know. He's changed so much. I think everything has just gotten to him." I started to cry, because in a strange way it makes me feel better to to know that it's not just me. Even his own mother sees that he's changed. Maybe she can talk some sense into him when it comes to not being a jerk about the kids.

My head is seriously throbbing. I think it might be time for a shower & some sleep. I really hope I can sleep.

i'm so tired.

[any chance?]

shelbel...you hang in there. You deserve so much better. Try to cut yourself some slack. Try to take care of yourself and your kids...focus on what is most critical...yourself and your kids....

Hang in there.

[Swiss Miss]

I'm so sorry for you and your kids. Your H sounds like mine only much more out of control. It's always my fault he's not happy, never his own. I have to say I've been really happy and at peace for the first time in years since he left, but it was hard to give up on the M because he is a good father to our son and he misses his dad terribly.

As for worrying about him alone with your kids, a lawyer friend told me to write everything down after it happens, with the date, so I will have a journal if I ever need it for a judge to see. Of course you have this thread going already.

It's good your MIL was understanding, but by the time he's done telling her why everything on earth is your fault and you're the worst wife ever she may change her mind. That happened to me and I still can't believe that after over 15 years of knowing me my MIL thinks the entire problem was me. I hope that doesn't happen to you, but it sounds good so far.

[beingreal]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate it. I'm so sorry that you're going through the same thing, Miss. It's nice to know that I'm not alone, but still...I hope yours works out the way it needs to, as well.

He pushed me to out of control--I know that's lame. I can only control me. I actually threw something at him yesterday. At the time I'd wished it would have actually done some damage, but now I'm just sick that I did that. That is not the kind of person I want to be. I'm not sad he's gone--I'm actually a little relieved. I'm sad that my kids are going to miss him. I'm sad that he's more than likely going to use them as pawns. I'm very angry that everyone has pretty much left me to figure this out on my own. It's almost like I'm being punished for not wanting to be part of a marriage that turned so ugly. Like I'm just supposed to suck it up and deal with it. Well, I did. And it wasn't good for anyone.

Last time he moved out he went on this rant that he wasn't going to be "helping me out" by taking the kids when I have a day off so I could have some alone time. He was only going to take them on weekends when I have to work--which is every third. So even if it's every other weekend he gets them, I only have to find help three days a week & once every six weekends. Of course, that's IF he actually does what's right & takes them. That's a big *IF* there.

I slept much better than I thought I would. Woke up with a headache still, but that doesn't surprise me. I woke up at 4am I just laid there trying to think about what I need to do. I'm happy that I'm in *action* mode & not just sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I got up and looked at all the closet space I have now. And the space where his desk was. There's actually room to move. Room to breathe. I went out to take the trash out (he'd done it before he left, wonder of wonders) and noticed the attic door & strangely enough thought "...wow. How am I ever going to get all of the Christmas stuff down by myself?" how am i ever going to FIND all of the Christmas stuff up there? Weird how, that with all that's going on, I even momentarily focus on getting stuff out of the attic in eight months.

My brain must be on overload.

I have to wonder though, if he's gone (at my urging, although to me telling him to go if he was that unhappy is not the same as kicking him out--but whatever semantics at this point I think)...anyway. If he's gone & I have zero intention of letting him back in or trying to work this out, I am then the WAW? Can I still be on this site & use DB to just try to make this as painless as possible?

Oh wait...there they are. The tears I thought I was over.

No time for tears, I have to get the boys up in an hour and a half for school & they don't need to see me cry anymore.

Sucking it up, going to read a couple more other sitches and maybe start some laundry.

I am sure I will be back later. lol

[beingreal]

I was doing okay today...for the most part. I took the kids to school, wrote an email to my mother asking what, exactly, she was willing to help me with (her response was terse to say the least--still haven't responded to that one. not a good idea right now). My boss called & said I could have the rest of the week off to get my situation figured out, I ran to Walmart, bought a new blind for one of the kids' room and some new pillows for my bed (got rid of H's--he sweats & they always smell bad to me. Stinky pillows begone). I got the two little ones off the bus, went to BK for lunch & then to the park for a while (where I met a really nice mom--we had a very pleasant conversation & I didn't think about H for at least half an hour). Came home, hung the blind & was starting to clean the house when...

H showed up. He came to get some stuff out of the garage. He had his brother with him--I acted like nothing was wrong & was pleasant as normal to the BIL. H went up into the attic & literally threw a sleeping bag on top of his brother--hit him in the face while he had a cigarette in his mouth. Both of us called his name, and *WHAM* out comes flying a little metal basket I used to put flowers in, almost hitting BIL again. BIL got mad & jumped down from the ladder, sat down on the tailgate of the van & gave a look that read "seriously...wtf??". I just shook my head & went back inside.

Later I brought some stuff out to him that I'd bagged up & listened to him rant about that. I asked him to call me later in the week to talk about weekends & visitation and he started to complain that he wanted shared parenting because that way he wouldn't have to pay for the kids, blah blah blah, I want all his money, blah blah, so on and so forth. I didn't respond at all, I simply nodded to the BIL & went back inside. He lives 45 minutes away, i'm not sure you can even DO shared parenting like that.

Later I heard him call the director of the T ball league & tell him that he would not be coaching since we were on the outs and I threw him out. (!?!?!) He's taking great pleasure in acting like a victim, I think he's acting like a moron. WTFever. Came in and told me he'd dropped out of college today, but his GPA was so good that if he ever decided to go back he could. He only had a year to finish--he could have transferred. I told him that was his decision & I was sorry he felt the need to do that, which got him going about how he doesn't live here anymore, he's not driving up here to go to school, how I want him to live in a box on the porch so he'll be out of the house but always at my beck and call....again, I totally disengaged. No response.

I went to finish cleaning up the mess I'd made putting up the blind (I'm not so handy with the drill--but I did it. lol) and he followed me in there to tell me I wasn't going to suck him dry for money. He doesn't even have a job yet. I told him i was sorry he felt like that, he obviously didn't know me very well if he thought I was vengeful like that, but he wasn't going to be able to not pay anything to help me. They are still his children. More snide remarks from him until he finally left.

Only then did I break down and cry. And not in front of the kids.

All in all I'm doing okay. Not bad for my first day.

Strange though, I can about the future and what needs done & how to get through this--it's only when I start talking to someone about it that I start to cry. Why is that? Is it because I have to admit that I failed at this, or that I was dumb enough to actually try again?

*sigh* It's going to be a long week.

[luvless]

((((shel))))

hang in there...

[beingreal]

Apparently when my mother starts yelling I am to just listen and not respond in kind. According to my father she was *in tears* last night because of me. Not because her only daughter is getting a divorce or raising three kids on her own, or even that I'm really heartbroken (even though I've known this was coming for awhile). No...I hurt her feelings by yelling back and not allowing her to dictate my life. Did I mention that she thinks that H should move back in, stay in the middle son's bedroom while he sleeps in my room & just live as roommates until the kids are older????? Swear to God...that was part of the email today.

I'm supposed to apologize to her. My father thinks I should *reach out* to her.

How's this...

"Dear Mom, I am truly sorry for not taking your feelings, your need to think only of yourself, and your total disregard for my well being into consideration before I started to meltdown as I begin my own personal journey through hell. Nearly 40 years of conditioning should have made me better prepared to put you first at all times regardless of the situation. How incredibly callous of me."


Now I really am just venting. Please forgive me. I stood up for myself to my father, and now he is not happy with me, either. I'm beginning to realize that all those years I felt totally alone in this life was not just my imagination. I was not just emotional or dramatic or depressed. I have honestly been alone. The people I have been counting on the most have bailed on me. I now see that they were never there for me to begin with.


I do have some amazing friends, though. One of them said this to me tonight as I was telling her about my mom and H...

'When the people who want to keep you grounded can no longer clip your wings, you have no choice but to fly. And you are going to soar.'

Big giant sobs. Too bad she lives in Texas. lol. Although it's becoming abundantly clear that there is really nothing holding me here in Ohio. I love my job. I love my boss. I love my friends who are here. But real roots? They are quickly disintegrating.

I might look at some of the listings on the professional sites to see if anyone is hiring in my field in Texas. it will never happen, but at least I can dream about it while this reality falls apart.

I do realize that I'm just feeling sorry for myself & that isn't really productive, I'll be better in the morning. I promise. Any bits of wisdom or insight are very welcome, though.