Do you remember in your old thread that I told you OM was your enemy? Well, he still is, Ken. He lied to you and he is not on board to help your M work.
Quote:
He said he was having his 7 year old son call to ask to talk to my 7 year old daughter
This gives it away, right there. He lied about the phone call.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Do you remember in your old thread that I told you OM was your enemy? Well, he still is, Ken. He lied to you and he is not on board to help your M work.
YOU are making their A oh so romantic!! YOU, not them, are making this a Romeo/Juliet thing! Every time you confront one of them about contact, without consequences, you are the DAD that is controlling a teenager. This is PUSHING them together.
So what can you do?
Option 1: Be the better option. She will see her A as deficient and give it up. You must ignore the A and focus on you and your M WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS. There are dangers here...Her thinking you are OK with her behavior, the A goes on indefinately, you become a complete mess.......
Option 2: Draw a boundary line. Me or Him. Me = M, NC w/ OM, COMPLETE transparency or she leaves.
Option 3: Both of the above. Eventually, "dad" will become to difficult to deal with and she will leave, for him, for anyone anywhere.
Yes, throwing her out will throw them together. This will make them see reality, eventually. But without you constantly pushing them together, they will probably lose interest. At this point, everything you are doing is pushing them together. YOu are reinforcing whatever justifications she has created about you and your M.
This is so painful to watch, I can't imagine how difficult it is for you. Please, please please, let go of the outcome. You cannot make her end it. You can make her want to end it, by stating a boundary and standing by it.
So, Mr Capulet, what do you really want?? A W that want to be with you or a W that runs from you?
Last edited by WhatNow; 04/21/1002:57 PM. Reason: really bad spelling
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Thanks, WhatNow, for spelling it out for me like that. I'm starting to get it. It seems that Option 2 is heavily promoted here, but I'm scared to death of sending her away with the possibility of her not coming back (which is what happened to her sister a few months ago in a similar situation), so I guess right now, I'm leaning towards Option 1.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
This is a very difficult one to pull off. Especially given all you have already done.
You have to commit to: No talk about her A or your M or even you at all. You CANNOT CONFRONT HER ABOUT OM, or any of her behavior. Don't tell her what you are doing! There is a ton more In DB/DR. YOu have to commit to it because it is very painful to watch.
I am afraid that the only thing this will bring about is damage to your feelings for her, at this point in these goings on. Option 2 is promoted here b/c it is the only way to save yourself and your feelings and possibly your marriage. It took me 2 months of darkness to be able to communicate w/WH at all while maintaining control of my emotions and mouth.
Read DR again. Look at your own distorted thinking patterns. Stop arguing with what is. I know this is bossy of me. I was where you are a year ago. It takes TIME. While you are being "Mr. Wonderful" and Plan Aing her, make a plan to throw her out.
I know it is scary. Sending her away is far better than pushing her away. She definately won't come back then. Send her away with a path back and she might follow it. It is the quicker way to resolve this. Otherwise you are trying to chain her to the hot water heater! Or trying to teach a cat to bark (thanks Byron Katie)!
Work on yourself. Don't you hate hearing that! I did. I liked myself. BUT, I have a big issue with setting boundaries. So that is what I am working on.
I had a boyfriend who did the things you have been doing. I was attached to him but after a year of his pursuing, I finally couldn't take it anymore and left. Even tho I still had feelings for him, his pursual began to feel abusive!
Have you read DR? Have you read Surviving an affair (Harley)?
EVERY pro marriage site says STOP PURSUING! If you do, given time, odds are you will become the pursued.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Thanks, WhatNow, for spelling it out for me like that. I'm starting to get it. It seems that Option 2 is heavily promoted here, but I'm scared to death of sending her away with the possibility of her not coming back (which is what happened to her sister a few months ago in a similar situation), so I guess right now, I'm leaning towards Option 1.
Option 1 won't work, especially if it doesn't represent a "180" for you (and it doesn't).
"Option 1 won't work, especially if it doesn't represent a "180" for you (and it doesn't)."
Yes, Puppy. That is what my above rant was trying to say. But Ken is obviously not convinced and seems to insist on chasing her away. He will come to the realization in his own time, but it may not be in time to save his M.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
In my experience, Option 1 won't GET her to commit to that -- that's our point.
Us humans are path-of-least-resistance creatures. Why would someone give up the romance, mystery and adulation of an affair, if her husband is busy being romantic, doting and adoring??
And Option 1 can't be managed over long or you will get VERY ILL. It isn't an option for the faint of heart.. its VERY PAINFUL and requires a LOT OF SELF CONTROL.. which it doens't read like you have right now... you can't stop pursuing her no matter how many people on this forum tell you to stop it...
I honestly don't know if you have what it takes to pull off Option 1 Ken... I didn't... I just got very ill and the affair got physical... and ill people aren't more attractive...
