CL, Sorry it's been so long! It sounds like you're still moving along nicely and you continue to learn a lot about your own behaviors and emotions.
I think it's really great that you and your W share your passion for dancing. It's something that the two of you can bond over and also gives you physical contact.
I really admire your effort in rebuilding your M. Go you!
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
After our dance lesson on Saturday, my W accompanied me for clothes shopping. My pattern is to go once a year, and buy a shirt or two, and maybe a pair of pants (always the same brand). Since dancing, I have bought more colorful shirts, but pants that were still conservative. My W partnered with a helpful salesperson, and I surrendered to their feedback. I bought over $750 worth of bright shirts, a half dozen pants, tighter fitting jeans, and a suit with matching pants. My W was impressed that I hung in there, and didn't whine about leaving. She says that someone as healthy and youthful looking as I am for my age (thanks to dancing) should buy clothes that complement that.
She keeps writing and telling me how proud she is of me with the Hustle Formation team. I did something similar two years ago, and struggled. I have more experience now, and was ready to move into performance, with a solid partner.
We took the dog for a walk in the park over the weekend. I could never get my W to doing anything physical before (except yoga).
She mentioned to me that she has made peace with her childhood and emotionally distant father.
We joined our dance teachers and fellow students at the Salsa venue over the weekend. I'm not used to socializing with my W in public with a group, beyond family or dance classes. She had a great time, and they seemed to enjoy her fun personality and outspoken comments. I realized that my W and I, when together, need to connect with expressive artistic people (such as ballroom dancers) who appreciate personalities such as my W's, and where my W could be herself.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
After our dance lesson on Saturday, my W accompanied me for clothes shopping. My pattern is to go once a year, and buy a shirt or two, and maybe a pair of pants (always the same brand). Since dancing, I have bought more colorful shirts, but pants that were still conservative. My W partnered with a helpful salesperson, and I surrendered to their feedback. I bought over $750 worth of bright shirts, a half dozen pants, tighter fitting jeans, and a suit with matching pants. My W was impressed that I hung in there, and didn't whine about leaving. She says that someone as healthy and youthful looking as I am for my age (thanks to dancing) should buy clothes that complement that.
This is Great Cl. I have done the same thing (but a little while ago). YOU and I are NOT the same Men we used to be so why Dress that way? As long as we are doing it for ourselves and not just because it is what our wives would like. You listened to her “advise” and were open to it.
Originally Posted By: Concerned_Listener
She keeps writing and telling me how proud she is of me with the Hustle Formation team.
This is a hard one buddy. Everyone (and even DBing) says not to be needy. AND I don’t think we are anymore, but Man I know it sure felt great when my Wife told me how proud she was that I was not only going back to school but college.(where I never went before). I am sure you felt the same way I did. It just goes to show you how much more this “praise” means when it is not expected or “needed”
Originally Posted By: Concerned_Listener
We took the dog for a walk in the park over the weekend. I could never get my W to doing anything physical before (except yoga).
I see this as her way of “getting out of her comfort zone” She is trying... Like my wife actually getting up to give me a kiss goodbye the other day. She is not the kissy / huggy type so I knew she was making an effort to get out of her “comfort Zone”
Originally Posted By: Concerned_Listener
She mentioned to me that she has made peace with her childhood and emotionally distant father.
You got me here guy, It must have felt good to you. To have your wife take responsibility for herself. I am still waiting but I know some day it will happen
Originally Posted By: Concerned_Listener
We joined our dance teachers and fellow students at the Salsa venue over the weekend. I'm not used to socializing with my W in public with a group, beyond family or dance classes. She had a great time, and they seemed to enjoy her fun personality and outspoken comments. I realized that my W and I, when together, need to connect with expressive artistic people (such as ballroom dancers) who appreciate personalities such as my W's, and where my W could be herself. CL
Very nice CL, Yes we need to find ways that we can connect with our wives. But we need to find ways that are honest to ourselves also. No disrespect to your “hobby” but I just cannot get into that dancing with the stars that my wife likes to watch. And if I did try to sit there with her to “connect” I would be dishonest with her and myself. Yes computers seem a way AND now that she is starting her Gym visits again to lose weight... She told me that on her camping trip with her GF’s last week end that she went on a 3 mile hike. I told her how impressed I was that she has come that far from not wanting to dance because of getting too exhausted to now hiking. So here is another way we can connect. Maybe take some trips out to the coast and do a little hiking. I can get into that even though with my leg it is a little slow going it is still getting out.
Take care buddy but remember. The world revolves around cycles. EVERYTHING is in cycles, The tides, The seasons, Women... (Ok sorry for that one)... But unfortunately good positive times like this will give away to a not so positive time. Both you and I need to remember that when that “bad time” arrives that another good one is right around the corner so we can’t let the bad ones affect us negatively.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Doc, You're right about holding onto ourselves. I went along with the clothes shopping spree, because I was ready for a makeover. I seem to be walking a little taller these days.
You are also right in that we should not be dependent on our W's praise. It's nice to hear and can be valuable feedback, but our self-esteem is not dependent on it. We decide what to accept or dismiss.
As intimacy increases, I can see old mental patterns creeping back--critical thinking of my W's imperfections, resentment about her past actions. I'm going to have to work on this, and "go to tea with the devil." I read books on relgion constantly, and go to church about every other week.
The dog has added positives to the household. I enjoy owning a dog. I think it has a calming effect on my W too.
I can see the changes in my W. She has been observant of negative people who blame others for their problems (her sister, her dance friend), and doesn't like what she sees. She's made these changes on her own, without any influence from me (at least not directly).
I intend to hold onto myself, as you suggest. I still get up and write most days. I enjoy thinking about the writing process and putting form to my thoughts. I'm working on essay writing at this time. I also continue to go ballroom dancing without my W, to practice the dances that are important to me, to keep up with and improve my skills, to maintain connection with the ballroom community.
I understand what you're saying about cycles and the impermanence of things. I'm hoping that the next rough patch will be different, because she and I are different.
I can see some old mental patterns creeping back as intimacy improves (resentment about the past, infatuation with attractive women in the dance community, being critical about my W's imperfections). I read books on religious topics regularly, and go to church every other week. I'll "go to tea with the devil" and try to work it out.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
No disrespect to your “hobby” but I just cannot get into that dancing with the stars that my wife likes to watch. And if I did try to sit there with her to “connect” I would be dishonest with her and myself.
Doc, try watching the show imagining that one of the dancers is CL in his new fancy clothes!
Doc, Matilda, Jak, and DB Friends, My W told me recently that part of the problem in the past, was that she felt like she could never make me happy--I'm too fussy and critical. She washed my shirts this weekend, and I fortunately was smart enough to thank her for it, even though I was wondering if she did it the way I would have. It's true that I can be my own version of fussy. I'm glad she told me her thoughts/feelings.
We went shopping this weekend for a 70's outfit for our Hustle routine. We discovered a vintage shop in town. She found a disco outfit, gold belt, and earrings. I found a shiny Rayon shirt, and a gold necklace. She continues to compliment me on my commitment to practice. We're probably one of the top three couples in the group at this time.
I'm going to have to come to grips with my fear over physical intimacy. I think I'm afraid of "failure." It's such a charged issue. My fear is that if the initial encounter doesn't go well, she will take it as personal rejection. Maybe I will know when the time is right.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
