Husband left me 3 months pregnant...

[Silver Fox]

Babydoll,

I've never posted to you and don't have time to read through your thread right now but this:

just start forgetting about him and move on. I can't waste anymore time on him.

and this:

i need to work on forgetting him and fixing me.

is DB'ing at it's best!

You've got it and you don't realize you've got it! Don't give up!

[gatsby11]

Agreed with Silver Fox!

[Piano]

Very wise SF.

I guess it's about taking the high road, removing oneself from their crap, and making our lives the best we can.

Your kid is lucky to have a strong & loving mother in you. Be proud of you. You are amazing just being able to get up and face each day with what's going on. Tell yourself how amazing you are. And I'll try to follow my own advice too

[Babydoll]

Thanks everyone...

SF, your post gave me a little pick me up. So I started NC, and what happens... he emails me something about our bank account. so i replied very cordially and polite and positive. He must think i am on heavy duty medication.

I am trying... so i shut off my cell phone and left it in my nightstand while im at work, so i cant text! it helps... i feel a tiny bit better today.

[Piano]

Hello, day 1 and you feel a bit better. Great! After two or three more days of this effort, you will feel even more so. Soon after that, the cycle of dependency is broken... Keep at it.
The tone of your email sounds good - imagine he is the postman. How would you talk to him? Exactly like you did. Good one! I think it's fine to talk finances and baby, but don't reply straight away. Leave it a few hrs at least - your too busy GALing, remember?
What's happening with bub and classes and everything? You physically ok?
I have a new thread in Newcomers. Have had some good advice.

[Babydoll]

this week was a bad week... if we fought and argued during our marriage like we did this week, then when he left, i probably wouldnt have been so shocked! we went from him wanting to go to marriage C together and now... we are not speaking. we both said some pretty awful things. but with each conversation, i find out more about how he really feels, felt. i am convinced he lived a coniving life and knew all along he would leave me.

I realized today every positive step that involved the baby, he took 100 steps back in our relationship.
-we found out we were pregnant, after he said lets start a family, and instead of being ecstatic, he started to resent me and look at me differently and realized he wasnt in love with me anymore
-the night of the day we announced we were pregnant to everyone, he went out with his best friend and said he was leaving me
-days after we went to the ultrasound together, which was really hard on my part, he filed for divorce

and to top it off, he said he had the papers for D weeks prior. he said he knew when he left that it was completely over between us.

i dont know wht to make of it anymore. tonight i feel like i'm fighting for someone i really dont like. yes i love him, the old him, the dreams we shared, the life we had, but not this guy. I could never trust this guy? its been more than three months, and how could his feelings ever change back to loving me unconditionally, when he hates me so much right now. im sorry, i just do not see it. i have done everything in my power and convinced myself that our love will conquer all, but i am starting to see that i have to wake up. i do think true love conquers all... maybe what he felt for me was not true love, and therefore it is easy for him to walk away.

I do have to stop communication and GAL, but not with the efforts in thinking its going to win him back. i have to do it to begin my new life alone. i have to do it because in 12 weeks,, i have a new guy coming into my life and i cant keep crying over H anymore.

the hard part is that when i usually walk away and stop the calls, the texts, etc. he somehow manages to pop over or contact me, and then i turn to mush and the cycle begins again.

heard this lyric on a song today "id rather feel pain, then nothing at all"... and it hit me... maybe i was fighting and contacting him bc it was still keeping him in my life. that arguing and screaming and texting, even the nice conversations were keeping him in my life, rather than just ending everything.

Why am i doing this to myself? I deserve better than this... we all do. No giving up is not the answer and neither is D. but what choice do i have... i was not given one.

[gatsby11]

You're having a boy? That's great. I love baby boys.

Fighting/contacting him = keeping him in your life -- YES. I realized this myself when I saw that I was "happier and calmer" when my WH and I were in contact. (This was a month ago or so, actually a month and a half. . . or 2 mos, i can't keep track.) But now I am 20x happier and calmer now that we have extremely limited contact. (And my dip-downs happen when we do contact outside of those very limited boundaries!)

I know that you still need to process what just recently happened with your WH, so let me ask-- did he ever intend to go to MC to try to repair the marriage? Or was it some other reason?

I really think all you can do is GAL. Sure, have DB goals if you want, but I don't right now. We've got our babies to focus on now, really. The situation will change after the birth. It's doubtful that it will before. See what happens.

Of course, what do I know?

I do have to recommend Christina Aguilera's "Fighter", though, while we're on the topic of songs. I have new respect for her, ha ha!

TTYL.

[Piano]

BD and G, thanks for helping me out on my thread. I really flunked the email test, didn't I. Oh well, back to the drawing board as they say.

BD, your H probably doesn't mean all the mean things he is saying about your marriage. You know these WAS's say anything to justify their ditching the M and the responsibility. Gotta justify his poor decions somehow, doesn't he?! Don't let him destroy what is true - that you probably had a reasonably good if not great marriage.
Something has happened to him.
Your step by step account of what happened once you found out you were pregnant through to the divorce papers is really insightful of you. It just goes to show how he's freaked about being a Dad. I really think it's nothing to do with YOU. It's so about HIM, in my humble opinion.
I reckon you are right to DB for YOU, not to save the M. The M will be saved only if you end the sressy interactions with H and things calm down. remember don't beleive a word he says and only half of what he does...so important with these nutty spouses going through their "crises".
Also relate to you and G re keeping up the contact, even neg contact, meant feeling closer to him. I think it's partly the fear of losing them, and wanting to maintain some control. ocs when the drama is gone..the silence is deafening. We are suddenly alone. the end seeems nigh.But G is right, eventually hopefully we see it's better that way.
Like Gucci Loafer says, we girls have to see that ending the contact or letting them go once and for all does not end the M necessarily. Dont want to give false hope - maybe I am a real sucker for hope ... But if we are strong and beautiful mums, surely we are going to attract the best for us and our children.
I am not religious but I feel belssed to be able to share this horrendous ride with you two and be able to suppoort each other when we each need it.

[gatsby11]

I agree with Piano-- the evidence you got shows that it has nothing to do with you.

We've got hope out there somewhere, definitely.

"blessed to share this. . . ride with you two"-- agreed!

[Babydoll]

G & P,

im glad i found the two of you to chat with too. Im starting to freak out a bit about raising a boy alone. H says he would move in and do anything to help, something (well everything)about that doesnt seem right to me. The other day i said it was either you are a family with us or nothing at all. he backs down and says he obviously has not choice so he'll let me do what i want? just like i have no choice but to be apart from him.

before this i was always a pretty positive person. i believed in a lot of good in the world, especially in people. i also believed that i was meant to live a good life with H, and babies and the dog of course!

i feel like i am walking like a zombie, and every day is the same story, and i have no future and no past. i dont know if that makes sense.

i guess i wish i could just for once, notice something in him that wants to be a part of our lives, my life.

if i let him in as the father only, i think he would take that. but i cant. he doesnt seem scared to be a father, he only seems scared to be married to me.