Are there signs?

[Onthemountaintop]

I tried to go dark or dim but that wasn't working at all.

Going dark is overrated. Imagine, she misses you, had an OM and left him (or was left). Going dark would make her (in theory) want you back. Add on her depression (or whatever), now to you going dark. What would happen?

Cheeseless tunnels are cheeseless because they are the things that never worked in the past. Could you make a list of the things that you've done in the past that didn't work? Things that made fights bigger, your anger fiercer, and her actions farther from meeting your emotional needs? These would be the tunnels to avoid.

I came out and asked her last night what she is looking for in life and in general. I asked her if leaving has really made her happy.....

This is where I went into I want you to be happy. Our house is always open to you. I want you to work on yourself.

And the result was that she showed interest in what you did this morning. So that was not a cheeseless tunnel! Congrats! You're a happy mouse

Through the various stages of W and my separation/divorce/reconciliations/etc, both of us have been short with our kids. You may have been, too. I find it so much harder to forgive my W when she injures our kids than when I do. Why? I know WHY I did it, so I can justify my action. For her, I can't and sometimes don't want to justify her bad action. Now more than ever, try even harder, Aces.

Aces

[jtish7234]

I am also going thru the same issues with my kids. My H seems clueless, when it comes to how his behavior is affecting our kids. Our 3 yr old, somedays will talk to H on the phone and other days he wont. And after he talks to H or doesn't talk to him he gets all sad and depressed. My H will attempt to call maybe 2 or 3 days a week. My 3 yr old talks about his daddy constantly and it breaks my heart to hear it. Those are the days when I get very upset with my H for putting us thru this. Our 1 yr old, lights up when he hears my H voice on the phone. My H left when he was 6 mnths old.

I want more than anything to put my family back together. All kids deserve for their parents to be together, I just wish my husband could get his head out of the fog and realize that too.

Good luck to you!

[Wildaces81]

Yeah, I feel as though going dark is overrated. I guess it works for some but I never felt like it was right in my situation.

I'm figuring out what is going on with us. I want to keep my same path I'm just feeling as though right now she sees that my house is always open to her so she isn't going to come back because of that reason. She knows I love her and knows I want her to be with me. So she is staying away. I dunno, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing. Trial and error is a bitch though. lol

jtish, everything you said is exactly what I see with my kids and my W. This past week my S2 woke up in the middle of the night crying asking for his mommy. It was heart breaking. My D is really missing her also. I just gotta keep my head up and be strong for both of them.

[ericmsant2]

Wild
Sorry I have not responded sooner – I have been doing a fair amount of self reflection and took a few days off.

I just wish I could get a little more from her ya know....Like hey, I really like what you are doing keep doing it....

Re the above quote…we all wish this. Keep your spirits up and hope that one day this will happen. Remember it could happen. Every situation is different and only YOU know the specifics of how or what to expect from your W. Keep hoping and keep working on yourself.

So I just wrap her in my arms and tell her I know, I'm sorry she feels this way. I miss mommy too, all we can do is pray for mommy and let mommy know that we love her.

The way handled this was a sign of the man you ARE! I don’t think you could handled it any better.

My heart is starting to hurt daddy, effing A man I wanted to squeeze her to death man. It was so heart breaking.

I can only imagine how painful this was. Look up and give the hurt to HIM. This is His battle to fight for you.

I’ve read your thread and as always I think you doing very well. Keep hoping and do not give up.

God Bless,
Eric

[Wildaces81]

Eric, thank you for the words of encouragement. I seriously feel like giving up...this fight is wearing me thing and she just seems like she wants to continue being away from me. I guess the grass is really green around her right now. I find myself hoping that she will never find happiness and that she will always get screwed over by everyone she ever meets. I know I shouldn't be thinking like this but I need to get it off my chest. I want to be happy and when she is around or when she talks about our kids it really just pisses me off. I see her and I want her around but when she is around she is always on her phone and smiling like this is the best kept secret around. I just don't know how what I did was that bad? Was it so bad?

I did have a good weekend with my kids. But she ended up going to the mall and my daughter told me they went and said hi to mommies "friend" the one she said she wasn't going to talk to any more. She is so confusing to me. I'm find myself wondering if she is worth my time. I know that I can try for a long time but do I want to be wasting my energy when I could be expending it on other things?

I'm just confused and frustrated....

[Onthemountaintop]

Aces, you made a decision to love her and work on your marriage. Use that decision to get past this hurdle. You can talk to your W about meeting the OM, but remember that she might be fragile now...handle with care.

[ericmsant2]

Wild

I seriously feel like giving up...this fight is wearing me thing and she just seems like she wants to continue being away from me.

First off, how you feel is normal. This stuff is tough buddy. It is really tough. You have to realize that right now she probably does want to be away from you but this does not mean that you will feel this way in the future. You see, you still may be thinking that you can do something to "snap" her out of it. The realty is that you cannot. You can only do things to make it worse. This is why you detach my friend...you detach so that your emotion do not take over your thoughts and mouth.

Although you feel this way...realize that is it a FEELING. You may feel differently tomorrow. If you change your thoughts you can change your feelings.

I guess the grass is really green around her right now.

That is what they all think. It is only when they begin to realize the there issue is there issue and not your or mine or there friend.

I find myself hoping that she will never find happiness and that she will always get screwed over by everyone she ever meets.

This looks like you have hit the anger stage. Once again, normal. You need to find a way to release the anger but you CANNOT release it on HER. Pick up a punching bag, go outside and scream, go for a walk, go to the gym. Take this anger and make it make YOU BETTER and STRONGER so that you can keep going. Just remember buddy - this will pass. The faster you "face" it the faster you will be able to deal and move on from it. Do nothing and it will fester.

I see her and I want her around but when she is around she is always on her phone and smiling like this is the best kept secret around.

You know what I call this? Running. She is running from her issues. She may seem happy and actually may really be happy but at the end of the day she will need to face her issues. When? Only God knows buddy. Your job is to keep focused on you and your kids.

I just don't know how what I did was that bad?

Have you written down a list of the issues that you did bring to the M? Have you figured out what changes you need to make? I mean really change...you have indicated that you were controlling? Other than finances were you controlling? Did you value her input into the things? Did you give her the freedom to make mistakes? Think about buddy.

I know that I can try for a long time but do I want to be wasting my energy when I could be expending it on other things?

If you are making changes to make YOURSELF a better person then what "other things" could you be doing? If you are making changes to get her back then trust me, these will not stick.

I'm just confused and frustrated....

Stop looking at her and her issues and really and I mean really focus on your issues. Once you do, you will not be as confused and fustrated. Right now, you are trying to figure her out - you can't - STOP. You can figure YOU out though. Someone once told me that the answers to my issues are in ME. That person was right...so I tell you - look at YOU. Make this whole ordeal about YOU and YOUR kids. Maybe she will come and join you at some point.

Keep your head up dude - you CAN do this.

God Bless,
Eric

[dday101798]

I guess the grass is really green around her right now. \

And in that should be your silver lining to your survival through this. We all know the grass around her is certainly not green (not even grass), she just doesn't know it yet.

[nicole8]

Hey wild- I am feeling all of things you are feeling. I am just so irritated and have decided that my h is extremely selfish. My h has decided to leave our m and be a high schooler again and live with his mom. He has left everything for me to take care of. We don't have kids, so I really can't even begin to understand how much harder this is for you. We have a dog and it has been extremely rough on our dog....I can't even immagine how your kids feel. The dog can't stop wagging his tail and trying to climb on the h when he comes by. Kuddos to you though for being the mature one in the relationship. Way to step up to the plate....your w doesn't realize it now but she will one day and she will kick herself for being so selfish.

I personally have decided yet again to go dark and not initiate contact with my h. Easier to do when there are no kids. Me not contacting my h seems to panic him....he'll text me and tell me he is confused and doesn't know what to do. I like an idiot will always respond and validate how he feels and then tell him I don't believe in divorce. Well I am sure this just reasures him that I am still in the "game" and he can continue doing what he is doing. Well new inning, I am now going to tell him next time I am not so sure what it is I want.... The h usually wants to know where I am and who I was with....interesting. I am contemplating tellling him that j am going to start dating because I don't know what it is I want. Turn the table a little on him.....put some fear in him. Or maybe he won't care. I don't know.

Sorry to rant on your thread. Just wanted you to know you aren't the only one going through the different emotions and feelings. The grass is never greener on the other side

[Wildaces81]

yesterday and last night was not a good night at all. I honestly just feel plain and simple sadness. I didn't talk to my W at all when she first came over after work. Then she comes outside with me while I'm having a smoke and she asks me if I'm upset, why aren't you talking to me, she says. And thats when I just let it all go. I tell her her I am sad, that I don't want to talk because there is no way to say anything to her because I'll break down. I tell her that I don't deserve this that I miss her that I love her. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. I'm just sad, i don't know what else to do.

Have you written down a list of the issues that you did bring to the M? Have you figured out what changes you need to make? I mean really change...you have indicated that you were controlling? Other than finances were you controlling? Did you value her input into the things? Did you give her the freedom to make mistakes? Think about buddy.

I have written down what I brought to the M. I know what changes I need to make and I really can. Yes I valued her input in all things. Yes I gave her freedom to make mistakes, I gave to her more than I probably should have and that is why I am missing her so much. I put alot of my heart into our R and M. And I just never felt like I was getting the same in return. Did it make me love her any less? No it didn't. I just tried harder but i never spoke to her LL. Never is strong I didn't speak to her LL as much as she wanted.
But it is two people, a give and take. I want her back.....