reconciliation after divorce?

[FindingMyVoice]

(((Any Chance))) Oh, how sad. I'm so sorry to hear of your rough weekend and your fears. Sending you good thoughts for renewed strength and focus today. PS Pearl is so right about finding Sandi2's list. She's the gal you need to talk with about managing WAWs. She's been helping me out on my thread... let me see if I can track her down for you.

[any chance?]

Just got asked for the D. W says she has caught me lying about a past PA, and that all trust is gone. Seems as if she has spent the last week trying to justify her decision to go for the D. D is going to be amicable, she says she cares for me, but does not want to be married to me anymore. Says we just didn't nuture our marriage, and that this is the hardest, saddest thing she has every had to do. Told her I wanted to remain friends, and that this is very sad. Is all hope lost for me? Sure does feel like it.

[sandi2]

Is all hope lost for me? Sure does feel like it.

I don't think that all hope is lost, but it may take a long time before your W can reconcile with you. She was in a bad place emotionally when she began the EA with OM. I have a feeling that OM is still influencing her decisions. Put that together with what her therapist is saying and she feels pressured to get a D. She is confused and probably doesn't trust her own choices and that would be why she is listening to a "professional" tell her what she "needs" to do to find happiness.

I think you see your part of the breakdown in the MR. It is good that you are working on changing. The important thing is to realize that it cannot be to get your W back....but the goal is to become the man you need to be...and "can" be. When a M breaks apart, that is when two people are at their worst. But, you now have an opportunity to let your W see you at your best! Now, I don't usually recommend what I am about to say, but every stitch is a bit different and based on what you have said about her and her feelings in all of this, keeping a friendly R with her could be the avenue back to a M.

After the D, you must realize that she is a free agent and that there are no strings attached (either way) so it may be really tough to see her at events with other people. But, you will be free to date and it might prove to be hard for her to see you doing that also. She may realize that she still has feelings that she thought was gone.

I do believe she will have to deal with this OM b/c if he is still in love with her, he is not going to give up easily. In fact, I doubt that he ever gave up. She may have told you that she stopped the A,but if they work together, I suspect he pursued at least an EA with her. Do all three of you work together?

I will check back with you. It is certainly a dark time for you but try not to completely give up hope. I believe that if you will back away from her and not pursue at all, continueto stay friendly, GAL,and work hard on your changes.....anything can happen. I was almost a WAW and I did not thinkmy M had any hope, but we are together and my feelings are back to normal. There is always hope.

[Awoken]

Hi Anychance; sorry for the difficult day I know you are having.
I only got a few minutes, but I wanted to post something for you.
I'm gonna type fast, and not self-edit too much. Sorry if this is blunt.

So she officially asked for the divorce? Has she already filed?
Even so, there is a lot of time left to pass. My wife filed the first week of January, and our divorce is still pending.

Seems as if she has spent the last week trying to justify her decision to go for the D.

Yes, she will say anything to justify it. You will never know the truth about it. Don't listen to her, focus on yourself now.

Told her I wanted to remain friends, and that this is very sad.

you sound just like me. These are the wrong things to say. Either one is pursuing her, and does not help you regain her respect. Besides, do you want to be friends with someone that treats you this way?

I believe you said before that she had a "brief" ea or pa. I bet it's still ongoing, and she has become better at hiding it.

You are new here, and you've already gotten some good advice. You need to read a lot of threads here to help you understand what advice you are being given. I can't think straight under emotional turmoil, and I bet you have the same problem. You will rely on your habitual ways of doing things, and you already know they don't work.

You need to CHEERFULLY accept that your old marriage is already dead, and move on with your new life. The OM can have her. I'm not saying to give up on your M. However, start working on yourself now, and not to save your M. Divorce doesn't happen overnight, but you've got to work on yourself now.

Again, sorry for the rushed words. We all here understand the fear, pain, and panic you must be experiencing. Hang in there.

[any chance?]

Thank you Sandi2 and Awoken for your thoughts. Tis definately a very difficult day.

W and I agree on the things that went wrong. Emotional neglect on my part, her burying issues on her part (WAW). Unfotunate loss of trust issues at the end did not help, and she is currently very upset about the breakup and angry with me, but perhaps time will help with that. I am going to be there when she needs me, but will not pursue...work on GAL and making a better me. The start of the D timeclock does mean the nightmare of the last 9 months is over, and I need to focus on what is right for me, and must not attempt to 'win' her back, as that is sure to backfire. I realize that reconciliation at this point is highly, highly unlikely, and that I should not even hope for it. It will be tough to see her in so much pain over the next number of months.

Yes, the OM is a big issue. He has worked to keep his claws into her over the past number of months, and she is seemingly oblivious to his intent, but perhaps I am fooling myself. I have believed her when she says no contact, but I know he is just waiting for her to decide on D. He is going to D his W as soon as he knows. Nice guy. If my W starts a relationship with him, she is in for a very rocky future. Totally out of my control, so I cannot worry about it. Too bad we all work together in a relatively small place.

No fun on this end. I could use any support and advice you wise folks have to offer. I need some strength, to be sure.

[Kimmie Lee]

Whoa, whoah, whoa.....

YOU had a PA and lied to her about it? When did this happen?

[any chance?]

About 6 years ago while on a business trip. She suspected, I stupidly denied. Biggest mistake of my life.

[knittedscarff]

About 6 years ago while on a business trip. She suspected, I stupidly denied. Biggest mistake of my life.

Why do you want to be married to a woman you didn't have enough respect for to be faithful or honest to?

I know it's all in the past (for you) but if you didn't care enough about your wife not to sleep with another person or was even worried that you might catch a STD and pass it on to her because of your cheating, why do you think she would give you any more respect than you've given her?

[any chance?]

Your chastisement is well deserved, no doubt. Huge mistake which I will never be able to make amends. I clearly recognize that I hold the majority of blame when it comes to the failure of our marriage. I do respect my W very much, and can never make up for losing that in the past. The biggest problem was that I did not nuture what we had for far too long, and now have lost that forever.

[any chance?]

So I am new to this, and have no idea how to handle the situation. W asks for D today. I agree. We agree to be amicable. Talk about the good times, and the regrets we have. She has now been hysterical in her apt for hours. She contacts me by text and phone, clearly massively distraught. Am I supposed to ignore this from the woman I love deeply? I don't want this to happen, she is the WAW, and I am supposed to be GAL. All too much pain. Do I ignore? Hard to do.

Bad day. Very bad day. Wonder if they will get any better?

And how do I take this smiley face off my post, as this clearly is not the case......