New year, new thread, update of sorts..

[cat04]

DMK,

Breathe sweetie. You can do this.

You knew, but now you know. There will be some anger, but you can handle this.

Does this change your goal of reconciliation? It doesn’t sound like it.

You set the boundaries, that is wonderful. Now it is up to him to meet those boundaries.

Take your time.

You are strong. Don’t you forget that. You went through your pregnancy and had that beautiful little girl, while taking care of your other D, all by yourself.

Don’t think you can’t make it through this too.

[dmkdmkdmk]

I'm still breathing. I woke up and the world was still turning.

H talked to me for an hour last night while he was at work. He let me scream and cry and berate him and while he can't say anything besides sorry, he didn't try to justify or blame me like he did when he left. We texted back and forth most of the night, I don't think I fell asleep until after 2 (and waking up at 5:30 makes it a hard morning).

As far as the goal of reconciliation - I see myself as having two choices (the rock and the hard place). And I choose my kids having security, a house with a yard and their own rooms, not having to visit either parent, not having to be exposed to a skank parade on either of our parts.

Part of me feels a bit exhiliarated - like I finally see the finish line! But after that is another marathon...

Where do I go now?

[trustingfaith]

DMK,

Glad you are still breathing and the world is still turning.:) As much as it completely and totally sucks to hear it, it is a good thing it is out in the open and you can deal with it instead of just wondering. As far as where you go? I guess that remains up to you. He certainly needs to do the work so you can trust him again. It is up to you to decide if you let him try if he is willing.

It is a tough call. It will be hard work.

BTW, had to laugh at the "skank parade.":)

[Jack_Three_Beans]

DMK,

A festering wound will not heal.

As much as it hurt to hear, it is a good thing he came clean.

Now it is up to you to determine if you can forgive...and by forgive, I mean truely forgive, this isn't something you say you forgive, and then bring it up anytime you get into a fight with him.

And this is a hard thing to do, so give yourself some time to figure it out.

Pie(R)cing is hard work, you're going to need to cowgirl up and ...well work.

[dmkdmkdmk]

Pie(R)cing is hard work indeed.

I sent him my official short list of boundaries by text and when I got home I cuddled up next to him on the couch. He isn't shy about showing me that he *wants* me, I wish he had shown that much interest in sex when I was pregnant and he was forming bonds with OW.

And maybe it made him feel better that I would do that with him instead of spending another afternoon arguing about what he'd done. I figured I got my 24 hours, I'll have counseling.

My best friends are very supportive. One who is currently going through a D where her husband has no remorse for the affair and is being a total tool about EVERYTHING - said that he is choosing me... over other women, over playing the field like a single guy. And I'm trying not to look at it as being the consolation prize. Or the last woman standing (not that I'd go anywhere near referring to OW as a "woman").

Less angry, he gave me a hug goodbye.

He is also going to finish out his night shift at the apartment and move home after that. Less than a week to buy whatever the hell I want!

[dmkdmkdmk]

Yeah, I mentioned "skank parade" to him once. When he was still insisting no OW.

I don't think he'd count her as a skank. I wonder if time will be kind to their relationship. The whole thing started as phone calls and hanging out as friends (but secret friends!) but she obviously encouraged the relationship.

He never told her that he never said he didn't want a divorce. So she spent a lot of time sitting around waiting and wondering why he wasn't divorced yet.

I wonder what I might have to "fear" regarding her.

[dmkdmkdmk]

I sent him this email today:

When I am with you, I will do my best to be kind, patient, understanding, receptive. I know on some level you are suffering a loss because you did bond to the person you cheated on me with. Last April and May, you talked to her several times a day. You turned away from me because you had already replaced me with her. You elevated her to what should have been my status in your life, while keeping her your dirty little secret up until two days ago. I understand that you are suffering a loss.

But that will never give you a right to take out your frustrations on me. You started cheating on me, and your children, the moment that you put her number in your phone under (her XBF's) name and never once mentioned that you were hanging out with her. You made her more important than you made YOUR FAMILY. It doesn't matter if anything physical was going on until October, you uprooted your life and family because you chose having her in your life over us. And because she did nothing to discourage you and probably encouraged you, she is POISON.

I promise to be the best wife I can to make the best life for my family that I can. But, if I ever get the idea that she is back in your life on any level at all, or that you are doing this again with anybody else, I will take our daughters and leave. I asked you what you would do if DD's husband did this to them - and I have to ask myself what would I expect DDs to do if their husbands did this to them. I will beg and borrow if I have to to make sure that your choice of lifestyle influences them as little as possible. And I will not worry about keeping it a secret. No hesitation.

You had an affair. You have lied to me and treated me terribly for a year. You chose to give your time and resources to her over your children. Maybe it started out as an escape, maybe you were flattered by the attention you were getting and frustrated by your responsibilities, and it's important for you to figure that out.

I think with commitment and counseling we have a strong chance to repair our relationship. I will cuddle with you and sleep with you any time, I will cook you dinners and bake you brownies. I will go to Pint Night every Tuesday. I just don't want you to get complacent and think "all is better!" or get mad at me if I ask you where this $$ went or who's phone number is XX? Things will get better with time, and maybe never 100% again but maybe close. Apparently people go through this every day, and the only cure is hard work from both of us and time. But I want you to be fully aware of the consequences if you do it again. This is a time when TOO BIG TO FAIL is not just a trite phrase.

And, I’m emailing you because I don't want to ruin the little bit of time that we have together while you're on night shift to work on repairing what is broken... And maybe reading this while you're on night shift gives you more time to think and you don't feel as confronted.

[dmkdmkdmk]

Spinning again.

Friday was a good day. Yesterday, H was withdrawn and tired. Didn't hug me goodbye until I asked him where my hug was. Didn't react when I touched him. I ended up spending most of the time he was here upstairs cleaning and doing laundry to give him some space.

I guess we'll see what today brings, but letting him back in has made me feel exactly how I felt before he left (anxious, achy, needing to take medicine to help me sleep, can't eat).

[dmkdmkdmk]

Today will bring very little, he sent me a text saying he wants to sleep until 5 (he usually gets to work about 6:30)

I texted him back basically that I hope he was feeling OK, we'd miss him because it's a great day for the park! So I'm trying to enjoy that even though it's been a really rough day for me.

[dmkdmkdmk]

Well, H had decided that he knows again that he'll never be happy here. So, I'm done with the DB'ing as a way to save my marriage. With him, I'm going dark and working with my lawyer. I have a feeling I'll be better off without him!