....About foot rub and massage, its part of our live 4 to 5 times a week. But guess what, I'm the one geting sexually arroused just by touching her precious body. She usually fell asleep and 1 out of 10 times it ended in sex. We usually do it both naked. I could be burning hard but she doesn't even let me touch her intimate parts. I tried to avoid it but its very dificult. She hit very hard ...ouch.
Let me see if I have the math right or not....4 to 5 times per week of mutually naked foot massage at 1 out of 10 times resulting in sex is sex resulting from foot massage once every other week. If you were getting sex without foot massages once every other week and this was bringing it up to weekly, that is quite an improvement (doubling your sex life, plus as you say causing lots of arousal in a way that is probably emotionally healthier than starting at a computer screen full of porn).
Maybe you can ask if you can start back massage or neck/face massage and see if you can up your ML per week statistics?
Good luck to you, it sounds like you are doing a lot that is right on target. Especially figuring out her Languages of Love. I now when my wife started to feel loved in her languages of love, it really changed her attitude toward me.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
I this moment I'm trying romantic moments (she and me alone), candles, flowers, deserted beaches with white sand, vacation time in a cruise ship. All of the above, nothing seems to work as a magical switch. But instead I'm giving myself time (2 years at the best)to see results. I'm writing in my calendar the progress and it is worthy.
Good luck. I've been down that road.
Sometimes people just aren't interested in sex, and nothing we yet know about psychology or medicine could pinpoint the reason. It's not necessarily because she's angry, or anything specific. I've heard too many stories of women agonizing and searching for what's wrong with them, following misguided therapy advice, to no avail.
It's like asking, what's the REASON you aren't homosexual? Is it because you're angry? Surely a romantic cruise with someone of the same gender would make you want sex, right? Sometimes when you're not interested in sex, period, all these remedies are just annoying!
The problem is there to challenge you. Now is your turn to find something to make it feel pleasurable. the quest for the answer will cost you years. When you finally find it you are, maybe, what..80 years old?. Who knows. But it was worthy, you did it to prove yourself. And I guess thats our purpose in this world.
Last edited by dgtal; 04/04/1005:17 AM.
Me:52 W:50 M:30 D:19S:27 Discovered EA:08/08 denied W insisted on D+ILYBNILWY:08/08 Exposed wrong OMW:10/08 Found exact OM's ID 2/09 Expose OMW son, not sure OMW knows yet 25 months after still a rollercoaster
Bad attitude buddy. You have to be the man. Your going to get it sometimes even if she's not necessarily in the mood. If the shoe was on the other foot it would be the same way if you where the gatekeeper to her having sex.
Bad attitude buddy. You have to be the man. Your going to get it sometimes even if she's not necessarily in the mood. If the shoe was on the other foot it would be the same way if you where the gatekeeper to her having sex.
An even worse, if not the worst, attitude.
First, maybe in your state you can't be charged with rape and labelled and be required to be registered as a sex offender because you are married (at least the first time). But if your wife decides (out of anger) to dial 911 and the police show up, you are going to jail, regardless of whether your wife wants to press charges or not (or she is for filing a false police report via 911). Or, as bad as the first, she tells someone else and they report you.
Second, there are obvious physiological differences. If you are not aroused (and that becomes obvious), no matter what, she can try to stuff a limp penis inside her, but there is not a lot of there, there.
Third, (again due to physiological differences) she is able to fake sexual interest and satisfaction convincingly.
It is one thing to be persistent to see if you can coax her into sex. It is another thing, if after some persistence, she clearly says and means no.
The Captain
Last sex: 04/06/1997 Last attempt: 11/11/1997 W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997 W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998 I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds. Start running again (marathons)
I didn't say she could stuff a limp noodle in her, but she can breath life into it if she wanted it badly and you did not necessarily want it for that session.
There are many things we do for each other, and many times its not when were upto it, we do it for each other.
I'm not condoning rape, but if a couple wants to be rough behind closed doors and thats what they want to do, then thats their right.
If she says no and her actions say "no" then that means "no". In my case if my wife really is disinterested its not going to happen unless she has an inkling of desire, or wants me to have it.
When we were younger I tested this boundary and found it was much worse to take it when she doesn't want it.
So no was not condoning rape, but I do not believe in use of sex as a control device. I also believe regular sex will keep your sex drive up, even if you are not necessarily interested. Also I believe that there is going to be generousity in a relationship, and one way is the mutual grooming of each other, the emotional and physical intimacy, at times making your partners need a priority.
Its not always about us and and its not always about them.
Also if the male was not necessarily in the mood, say for months on end, but he could perform the act, but he doesn't "need" it. If he disallowed his wife emotional and physical intimacy for months, I believe over time she may cheat. I believe as her huband it is his duty to provide her this, even if he is not interested, perhaps at a reduced rate.
I don't believe anyone will see a problem with this. When the woman is the gatekeeper, its the same thing. We have to think about each other.
As a woman, I find that there's a kind of " If you don't use it you lose it" factor involved.
Pampering and roses and flowers etc. don't do it for me_ neither does badgering etc. Keeping kept excited and in anticipation does though.
In my M we have gone through some real low periods, (especially through the years of rearing young children - they leave one little time for intimacy and take up much of one's energy. I felt all cuddled out most of the time and couldn't face being cuddled by the time the kids were in bed - what I wanted was SPACE).
I hate the labels HD/LD
It alwys implies that a LD peson has a problem. When there is a problem is when there is an incompatibility in drive. There is also a HUGE problem when the couple cannot communicate their wishes and desires and it takes huge amounts of trust to open up and say what really turns one on sometimes.
In my own M that has only come with time. I have learned that far from LD as those on here would have labelled me previously, I am actually HD. My H though has a lower driver but had no idea about keeping the excitement going for me between periods when he wanted to ML. Now he knows that that needs to be done or I' go cold'.....and that going cold can last for months.
Like anything in life to be valued, a good sex life has to be looked after.
I hope a few insights from the female perspective prove useful.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
...but I do not believe in use of sex as a control device.
While it might be commendable that you would not use sex as a control device, your belief in it is irrelevant bacause sex can and IS used as a control device. It's like saying you don't believe in gravity or the number 42.
There is no "duty" in sexual intimacy (that is another word for "expectation"). There is a general duty clause in the civil law that expects sexual fidelity, but not sexual duty. That there may be a consensus expectation of what minimal level of sex should occur (for whatever reason) is just that...a consensus expectation. That there may be a consequence for failing to meet the expectation and that the consequemce could be seen as "justified" is wholly different.
So, for example, tomorrow marks the 13th year since the last time I had any sexualy intimacy. The fact that you don't believe in it does not make it "go away."
The Captain
Last sex: 04/06/1997 Last attempt: 11/11/1997 W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997 W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998 I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds. Start running again (marathons)
...but I do not believe in use of sex as a control device.
While it might be commendable that you would not use sex as a control device, your belief in it is irrelevant bacause sex can and IS used as a control device. It's like saying you don't believe in gravity or the number 42.
There is no "duty" in sexual intimacy (that is another word for "expectation"). There is a general duty clause in the civil law that expects sexual fidelity, but not sexual duty. That there may be a consensus expectation of what minimal level of sex should occur (for whatever reason) is just that...a consensus expectation. That there may be a consequence for failing to meet the expectation and that the consequemce could be seen as "justified" is wholly different.
So, for example, tomorrow marks the 13th year since the last time I had any sexualy intimacy. The fact that you don't believe in it does not make it "go away."
The Captain
Responses.
Agree with you in most places here Captain.
I believe that the use of sex as a control device or leverage is a bad sign, and usually its going to snowball to larger problems in other area's of the relationship. I believe most will agree it is somewhat "dirty" to do this.
Taking out the sex completely is almost like taking out the "partnership" in a relationship, and at a certain loss level you should let the relationship go, as your significant other is telling you that you are not high enough priority to them to make sex and intimacy important for them.
I understand that there is no "duty" by law, but this should be spoken between the relationship partners and obviously the right way would be some sort of rate that is close (in the middle) to meeting both partners needs.
I don't think most of us should go more than 3 months without sexual or emotional connection, let alone 13 years.
Why has it been 13 years captain? That is a very long time.
In myself and others sex will bring about additional self esteem which makes you more funcitonal, less stressed, increased self-being, even if you are a master of bringing it out with out the sex and good treatment.
I'm believing at some point you have to take care of yourself and that does not mean masturbation, even if you want to keep the marriage intact.
As a woman, I find that there's a kind of " If you don't use it you lose it" factor involved.
Saffie:
That actually makes some sense, both in my previous marriage and in my current one. The things you said about cuddled, flowers, child-rearing, etc.are all things that I've heard. My first wife would tell you that she was angry at me because I did not see "being a parent" in exactly the same way that she did. My presence was just a reminder of a past that was no longer valid, in her eyes.
In this relationship sex was never part of the equation in terms of having more children.
I agree that the description of drive issue is really a mismatch. Anectdotally, it seems that the person classified as the HD person is the one that complains. I suggest that the "reversal" you describe is the case where the other partner simply gives up. If not too widely mismatched, communication, openess, and trust are key to resolution. But when one is a no-drive partner and explicit about that, it forces the other, in chess parlance, to either be faced with a stalemate or to resign in the face of certain checkmate.
Last sex: 04/06/1997 Last attempt: 11/11/1997 W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997 W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998 I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds. Start running again (marathons)
