I have been married for almost 26 years to my wife. My wife still lives in the house but informed me 7 months ago that she wanted a divorce. She has refused marrital therapy and refuses to speak with anyone. We have a son deployed in Iraq and my wifes sister has metastatic cancer. I did not know if the depression and possible mid life crisis maybe causing her to act this way. She has refused a medical evaluation. She says she is private and does not need to tell the world her business. On the other hand I have tried to speak with professionals regarding our concerns. In any case I have read 2 of Michelles books on marrital remmedy and divorce busting. I also downloaded her marrital therapy seminar hoping she would want to share but she had no interest. She was put through nursing school by me but never worked in a hospital because of the birth of our daughter 15 years ago. Now my wife wants to pursue dental hygiene and have me pay the bills and move out of the house for 2 years while she completes her course. She has literally shut the door on my mother and brother and will not communicate with them I on the other hand have still remained close to the in laws. They do not want to get involved in our marriage issues. I feel all alone at present. I did see improvement with Micheles program but it seems as though I can not get her to change her mind. She says she no longer loves me and that I need to move on with my life. I have given her space and now the question is should I file for divorce? I really dont want to and I still love her but things do not seem better for me.
Welcome Bobby. You are not alone here. First of all, don't file for the D. Secondly, don't leave your home and don't leave your master bedroom. If she wants these things.....then she needs to be the one to do them.
Next, stop trying to change her mind and convince her she doesn't want what she is saying. That seems to be what most LBH's do and it makes the WAW much worse. She wants you to move on with your life? Okay, then you get a life that does not include her. You make plans for the weekends to be out of the house as much as possible. If you want to go somewhere during the week, then do so. Do not attend events with her or visit relatatives with her. You don't check with her first to see if it is okay. She is not your mother so you don't get permission. You don't give details about what you are doing. If she asks questions, you stay as vague as you can without lying to her. That makes you mysterious and very interesting.
Getting a life (GAL) is for you, and it will help you to stop being so focused on her and to become more rounded and interesting. Get involved in the things you use to enjoy. Visit old friends,etc.
You stop being available to your W to go & do the things she wants to do b/c you always have something scheduled. If she asks about going to something with her, you tell her you'll have to think about it or see if you can change your plans.
Being unavailable to your W is probably the most important thing for a LBH. Pull away from her. Do not pursue her in any form/fashion b/c it will work the opposite way from what you were wanting. Do not tell her you love her, buy her gifts, bring her flowers, etc., b/c that is pursuing. Any sort of pressure on her from you will push her further out the door.
She needs to discover how it would be to not have you foot her expenses for her new career. She did not make use of the first time you financed her schooling and if she's wanting a D, she should not expect you to finance any futher endeavors.
You see, most WAW's want their freedom but they want to keep the "parts" of M life that was convenient for them or saved face before others. We call it eating cake b/c they want it both ways. She needs to find out that she can't have it both ways and that she cannot control you. You are your own man and she wants a D, so she needs a little taste of what it would be like.
You are not rude to her or anything like that, but she needs to experience what it is to lose her position as your W, therefore, you treat her like you would act around a co-worker or a distant relative.
It is not easy to back away and detach from the spouse, but that is what you must do with a WAW. She must be attracted to you again and she won't do that if you are smothering her with your attention.
Take a personal inventory to see what you can do to improve yourself. Update your wardrobe, personal appearance, and your personality & manners.
Holidays are somewhat slow around here so don't get discouraged if you do not get many replies at first. Post as often as you can and reach out to others. Read the other threads and get to know people here.
Take care of yourself.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sorry you find yourself in this sitch. You have found a great place for support.
Sandi is very wise and has given you stellar advise. I strongly suggest that you read her post again. Read it with an open mind. The things that work are counter-intuitive. I recommend following every word of advise sandi gave you. It is based on what we have seen work with others.......
I wish you well during these hard times.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Welcome to this forum! Sorry to read about your situation...we know what you're going through. I second the advice to follow Sandi's advice to the letter. She knows what she's talking about
Here are some tips to help you get started here:
1. When you're posting about your situation stick to a single thread until you have about 100 posts in it. If you start new threads your readers will get confused...it's better to have it all in one place.
2. There are a lot of abbreviations used in this forum -- see the sticky thread in the Newcomers forum with the list.
Last edited by flowmom; 04/04/1004:37 AM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Sandi, thank you for your help. Since the posting I believe that my wife may in fact be planning on filing a legal separation which would give her tremendous assets such as house, child support, and allimony. My lawyer has advised me to file for divorce to prevent her from having that option. I am really torn now because it now is a legal situation that I may regret according to the lawyer. The kicker is she wants this divorce and now I will have to pay her to live a life style she has grown to know to all these years. The allimony maybe short term but it depends on the judge. Today is Easter Sunday and I need to pray on this one. thanks Bob O
I am in such turmoil at present. I have followed the 180 path and I am pretty sure my wife again sees a change in me. I was working at my computer station and she wanted to know if I was getting things ready for a divorce. I did not respond. I am speaking with my lawyer again today. She never in a million years would think I would file for divorce, but she has not tried to reconcile the differences. She has told me she no longer loves me and does not enjoy my company. I personally think she is unhappy with herself and where she is in life. I believe she blames me for this in a way. I told her she had the most important job of doing a great job raising our children while I worked. There are many things that I would do differently but she has no desire to work with me which is very frustrating to me. This situation has been going on for 7 long months and you would think after almost 26 years of marriage that she would have agreed to get marrital help. I am afraid if I do file that this will drive a further wedge between us but then again it may make her realize with a separation what she really had. I do not believe there is a third party involved at this point. I do enjoy this forum and continue to pray that we can be reunited again. Bobby O
I saw the lawyer today and was told to stay the course and wait and see what happens. My wife has low self esteem and I believe she is in a point in her life where she is not happy and has literally blamed me for this.I am relieved that at least for now I can try Michelles plan and see what works to save the marriage. I am still in the 180 mode. My wife asked me if I had dinner and that there was food for me. She seems nice at times and other times very distant. It really bothers me that she has not slept in my bed for 7 months. I found out an old girlfriend of my wife invited her to her parents 50 th anniversary party and did not invite me. This has hurt me very much but I did not show it bothered me. This has been a very long road and I only pray that things will improve. Bobby O
Bobby - I can only repeat what others say time and time again...
The only person you have control over is you. You have to work so hard on yourself and get to the point where your W starts thinking for herself that she wants to carry on through life with you.
It's very hard to stand back and let her get on with it. It's also very hard not to rely on others to bring her to her senses. But that's what you'll have to do.
Work on yourself. BE the man she married. Others will notice I promise. And the change will be reported back to mission control
Please don't let the situation get on top of you - that's just adding fuel to the fire.
