I don't believe in the soulmate thing either. It gets thrown about when people don't want to admit, or work on their problems. This "no passion" speech and the "maybe you're not the one" follow on to that is standard wayward spouse gibberish. Look at the posts on here and what the WAS says. It's all the same BS. What is glaringly obvious to me is your emotional IQ is much higher than his.
Someone once said to me that you can't even have a conversation with someone who is 2 standard deviations outside your own IQ level. I think it becomes that way with emotional health. A mature person would not start blaming you for his boredom. A mature person would take responsibility for themselves in the M. As you have done ...Then there's H deflecting the blame, blaming you, manipulating, getting angry at everyone like a child.
So we are back to seeing some real action from our hero.
Don't forget how far you have come in your understanding of H and his behavior. From what you have said about the depression, the A, the manipulitive behavior etc. There are some serious issues to address and now he can avoid all of it by saying (and blaming you) "we just don't have the spark".
Do you need this(the excuse) so much or is the price so low(how you feel about YOU and your M) you're buying this crap? Think about this. Really think about it.
I agree with MC about going dark, as long as you've started MC, you need to see where this leads. I would still have your boundaries though. It might be helpful to look at the PIECING forum. There is definitely a process to putting your M back together.
You don't want to find yourself lost in Lost's door #3 (from a upthread)
It is so tempting to slide back into your old ways...
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
but then the rational side of me knows that the grass isn't always greener and that a new R/M does not mean a dissolvement of issues. It is just a clean slate to start accumulating them again.
That's what DBing is all about. Getting healthy and making healthy decisions for YOU first so you are able to make them about your M and don't carry them on into your M or future R/M
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Grit- it is so difficult to not just run...and put an end to this.
Even though my H is spewing BS..he is at least spewing it more kindly. He did talk about passion with me prior to us getting engaged..maybe another time when we were engaged..and then after he started his A..the issue that I have is that he never did anything to improve it...and I never pressured my H to marry me..I actually never spoke of M with him. I would initiate different things..he was very rigid..although he puts it back on me...which I pointed out to be untrue last night. I guess one of the things that I said to him rang true..because he was still talking about it this morning and making excuses for it. I am being cryptic but I guess some things cannot be discussed here.
I think that spark my H is referring to is the way I made him feel. Because I just got out of a long term R when I met my H..and I was casually dating several people..I didn't fall all over him. What also complicated matters a little bit was that his best friend liked me at the time...and it was his best friend that introduced us...so it was kind of an awkward sitch. My H is used to being praised and adored. I didn't do that at first. This is all speculation..and I really need to stop thinking back 10 years..
There are serious issues with my H personality, behavior, the blaming etc. I haven't forgotten all that..but I do know that I do need to take some responsibility for my 1/2 of the M..so I do need to listen to his BS and try to understand and validate where necessary. Nothing will ever justify his A...but I would like to understand why/how it happened. Perhaps the communication improvement will help with this??
but I do know that I do need to take some responsibility for my 1/2 of the M..so I do need to listen to his BS and try to understand and validate where necessary. Nothing will ever justify his A...but I would like to understand why/how it happened. Perhaps the communication improvement will help with this??
You may never know why because he doesn't know why. But you're right you do need to look at your part in where this M ended up. I wouldn't focus on the A too much because it's just crazy behavior and a selfish decision on his part.
If he were acting and speaking rationally I would say yes it may help to listen to his side in MC and figure it out. I really think this is a process for YOU to do on YOU. You know where YOUR skeletons are buried you just have to dig them up and get them to talk.
H feels guilty and doesn't want everyone blaming him for M failure. Period. So he's bring you into the game. Now you belong in the game and you should take on some of the responsibility becasue you ARE part of the problem just as I am in my M and everyone else on this board. I just don't think you should let H blame you, he should not be the primary source of your introspection.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Thanks Grit- it is so difficult. I was 50 percent of this M that was failing..but I also didn't step out of the M. I have to keep remembering that. I honored my commitment and no reason in the world excuses H's behavior.
Just getting ready for dinner with H..he is picking me up. I have to say that I feel nervous which is weird. I have to keep all my db'ing tricks in mind. This is our first date in a long time. I didn't tell any friends or family that I am seeing him. Let's see how this goes...cautious optimism.
Keep the conversation AWAY from the R if at all possible. He may bring it up; but try to steer it back to inane topics or topics where you share the same opinions and likes. You want your date to be just like it would be if you had just met.
I think it went alright. Kind of awkward at different times. I didn't feel the need to fill the silence like I did in the past..which forced him to make conversation which made me feel a bit better..and less desperate. No R talk..except that we discussed whether love was a choice or something you cannot control. We agreed to disagree..I said it was a choice..he believed it was something that you couldn't control. We took it no further.
One good sign...jealousy. Me and my H spoke about an old coworker of mine that I still am close with. My H became uncomfortable with our R even though it is completely platonic.
My friends wife still works in my office but her H and I remain friends. He is about 10 years older than I am. I have gone out with him and others to different concerts, dinner etc. My H always felt uncomfortable about him. I told my H tonight that my friend was helping me get my resume beefed up just in case layoffs come...I told my H that my friend was dying to know what was going on with me...which is true. My friend knows something is going on in my M but I havent given him many details. My H got very angry...and asked several times "why is he dying to know what is going on??". He got very angry which = good sign..still showing emotion. But kind of bad because it kind of set the mood for the rest of the night.
It was very loud where we were so it was difficult to talk..which may have been a good thing...not sure. He dropped me off and we had a heated discussion in the driveway about role models..religion/politicians/sports icons. My H was taking the liberal view on things..saying President Clinton will be known as the greatest president ever..I said that he would also be remembered for Monica Lewinsky...we debated this for awhile and then I gave him a kiss on the cheek and said "We elect and choose to admire politicians and sports phenoms because we feel they are superior to us mere mortals..they do have a moral responsibility to deliver more than u and I are capable of..this is why we admire them. We feel they r different..We normal folk know we are flawed..we don't want to see flaws in those we admire..because then they are u and I..ordinary..and by definition..ordinary doesn't = special..and we hate to be reminded of this. He was pretty worked up about this...I left the car.
He is still not talking to his family..and spending Easter alone. Whatever. I still kind of look at him as pathetic. I wish this wasnt the case..but I don't feel the need to kiss and hug him. I am assuming this is normal after everything...but I guess time will tell.
I wouldn't talk to or voice relationship problems to the opposite sex unless you are 'single'. It is a big no-no.
I also wouldn't spend too much time with this other guy while your viewing your H as 'pathetic'. It really does not give him any chance at all.
You may attempt to bridge the gap with your H and pull away somewhat from your co-worker. As long as you want to stay up on your co-workers, you will always be a spectator in your own marriage and it will never work.
