New here but have been a voyeur

[lolawar]

Thank MC and DLS

I don't spend a lot of time with my friend..nor do we speak often. He recently had a job opportunity that he told me about..and I was somewhat interested in. The timing just isn't right for a job change. My commute would be triple and if me and H do D..I am going to need to refinance the house and need that job stability/longevity on my resume. On the flip side..my company has been restructuring for the past two years and I have survived numerous rounds of layoffs...which are still in process..so I want to keep that door open. The only info that I gave my friend was that I was separated..so of course he is curious. We have known eachother for years..

But I understand the concern.

[Truegritter]

Lola

I wouldn't attach too much to your conversations and experience together at this point. If you end up piecing the M back they caution against trying to interact too early in the process. It is a slow process of coming together.

I think from your somewhat mixed experience last night caution may be the better course.

I think what DLS was referring to is "lifeboating" maintaining relationships that are not necessarily pro your M, just in case the ship goes down.

Problem with that is you are either on the ship and trying to bail water and make repairs or you are in the life boat but you can't do both.

I am sure you have the Italian Easter feast today with the fam? I am roasting a leg of lamb for our family. Hope you enjoy the day!

[lolawar]

Mom is cooking up a feast. I usually make a leg of lamb and bring it over but I wasn't up to it this year. I have a great braised lamb recipe if you are interested..it literally falls off the bone. My father is making the lamb this year, as well as the prime rib- he is the meat guy..my mother makes the trillion other things to go along with it. There are alot of us..and with nieces and nephews now..and dogs- it is kind of a crazy day ahead.

I think you are right about too much interaction. It is hard to find a balance. Me and my H have talked about how we don't have a connection right now..and well..we cannot really connect if we dont spend time together or talk..so what am I to do? But if he isn't ready to let go of his connection OW and put effort into forming a connection with his W..it is like trying to stick a square peg in a round hole.

Part of me thinks he is just going through the motions of MC and seeing eachother here and there..just to say he has tried everything and perhaps gain back a bit of respect. A very small part of me thinks he wants to get his M back..and his life back. I am mind reading..yes.

Perhaps this is part of my H depression or PD, but I think he needs that passion in his life...that instability..and drama. We had a very stable life..which could be suffocating to someone who is depressed. They need to have a high to feel alive. He is not passionate about work..or life in general..therefore expects it to all come from his partner.

My H said something interesting to me after MC this week..when he was blaming our M..he said that "everyone wants to believe that I am sick..and maybe I am..but our M contributed to this as well." I think he knows there is something not right within..

Have a great Easter!!!

[lolawar]

...thought this article was interesting

Romantic Infidelity
Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continue living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate—someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own—is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.

Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.

People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born—any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.

Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love. Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and willing to give up everything. Men in love lose their heads—at least for a while.

[Silver Fox]

Thanks lolawar. This fits my x and our sitch to a T. May I ask where you read it or who the author is?

[lolawar]

It is by Frank Pittman. I found it online..this also fits my sitch to a T. H has alienated himself from family and friends...jeopardized his job...obviously his M..for a completely ridiculous relationship. Went from a stable life- to living in a studio apartment by himself..completely alone. Sad and pathetic. All for love..whatever.

[Truegritter]

I think the operative theme is they are insane while they move through this growing period and that we, the more stable of the spouses alienate them during this time.

I can tell that is true with my W. They are rebelling against our good character and judgement. Our stable commitment to the M.

It is really sad...

Have a great Easter Lola. I am making a lamb recipe of my own but can always use another!

[Truegritter]

Great Easter feast! Was sitting with my nephew (5) I was showing him pictures in my phone of the the horse farm where I ride and a picture of nephew and W came up in my photo album.

He said "that's me and auntie (w's name)" Where is auntie (w's name)?

She's not here. She is with her nephew like I'm with you today. (which is true)

"oh"

So sad. It made me sad.

I hope you didn't have a similar experience with all your family together. The children always get me! They're just so innocent in their view of the world and it makes think "why is being happy so hard?"

[lolawar]

I am glad you had a great feast. Today was kind of rough for me as well. It is just difficult being around my brothers and wives..and me being alone. It just feels so strange and lonely..I don't really enjoy myself although I pretend to. Me and my H did many things with my brothers..we were all very close...but I made it through.

H came here while I was out. Still trying to fix my bike. I came home to bloody towels. He cut his head in the process. I don't like that he comes here without asking me first. But I also didnt want to say anything considering he was fixing my bike..and he got hurt.

My H was never really good with my nieces and nephew..and they are very young..so they haven't even asked where he has been. Hmmmm.

[pearlharbr]

I think you are right about too much interaction. It is hard to find a balance. Me and my H have talked about how we don't have a connection right now..and well..we cannot really connect if we dont spend time together or talk..so what am I to do? But if he isn't ready to let go of his connection OW and put effort into forming a connection with his W..it is like trying to stick a square peg in a round hole.

The problem is that you're trying to piece without knowing for certain that H has stopped seeing OW. IMO, you shouldn't worry about your connection with H unless and until he proves that 1) he no longer has any contact with OW and 2) he is fully committed to working on your M because he wants to be with you. Otherwise you're wasting your time and effort on someone who is only half-assing it.