She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[mudpuppy]

tbart01 - I am by no means a better man than you. I want to do exactly what you did. But I was a police officer for 15 years and I saw first hand what happens when you do something like that. If I did what I wanted I would lose my job and I can't do that with everything else going on.

As for what I want for my marriage I am not sure anymore. Ask me that a month ago and I would have said I would do anything to save it. But now I don't know. This isn't the first time she has done this. I have proof of one other time 6 years ago for sure and suspect a couple of others in between the first one and this latest one.

Call me crazy or stupid but deep down I think I want thigs to work out so we can salvage what was once a great marriage.

[tbart01]

mud, you need to stop putting yourself through this. You can't let yourself be disrespected like that.

You need to stand up for yourself and be strong. If this hasn't been the first time this has happened, then how could you ever trust her? It probably won't be the last time, but of course i don't know that for sure.

Don't be an enabler to her behavior. Put a stop to it at least for yourself.

[tbart01]

i don't really want to ask my W about what's going on, but i want to tell her I like the little exchange between her and him. Just to let her know that I know. it's on Facebook, and i didn't have to go looking for it. The person that started the post is a friend of both of ours.

it's just bugging me right now.

[mudpuppy]

tbart01 - i know you are right, but it is easier said than done. And I know I could never trust her again after all this has happened. And you are right about it probably happening again. Once a cheat always a cheat. If she cheated on me with him, she will end up cheating on him with someone else.

I know I need to put myself out of my misery and walk away, but damn it is harder that I ever thought it would be. Too many what ifs floating around in my thoughts.

So I guess I should just suck it up, move on and don't look back.

It's her loss if I have to say so myself.

[Surviving03]

dont do it tbart.. dont do it... its tempting, Lord knows that I know how tempting it is! But dont do it... having her think that you dont even know she is typing that person is better than you saying something about it.. you just have to let go of that temptation... in fact, I would highly recommend that you just stop looking at her FB all together for awhile, i know i said keep an eye on it before, and you can if you want to and you prob will cause its hard to stop, but if its the only way that you can get yourself to not have the urge to say something about it then do it... it will drive you crazy if you keep looking and keep thinking about it, cause thats exactly what i did and it just reaffirmed for my H that I was a snoop and I didnt trust him no matter how small or insignificant the FB postings actually were... it was clear I was snooping, let me be your example... just stop getting on FB all together... it is quite possibly the root of all evil

[tbart01]

This is what was put on Facebook that set me off:

Her friend put on facebook,
I kissed a BANANA SLUG~~~~, and I liked it!! For those who have, I hope it brings back great memories!

W responded to her: Are you serious? I kissed guy i despise years ago...does that count? Or is it not in the same league?

Friend i despise responded: OH HELL NO!!! WELL???? LOL



I replied with; nice, very nice indeed

Innocent exchange, or am I reading too much into my wifes new world?

[tbart01]

Also, is it normal for a WAS to spark up old friendships? I just want to make sure I'm not dealing with a little bit of MLC. I don't think she's really displayed anything to support an MLC except for old friendships.

One of her complaints was that she had to give up friends because of me. Well, she chose to marry a military man and moved right away. She wanted that, and said she would always go where I went.

When we first got married she would spend hours talking on the phone. I complained at times, but never told her to stop.

[peace2u]

well...don't know if i should butt in here...

but if you want an AWAW's viewpoint: here goes.

Yes it is normal for W to seek out old friendships or new ones if she's felt kept away from that for years. This does not necessarily mean that there is any wrongdoing.

I'm not saying this is how your W was, but in my initial fog of marriage and my doormat stage I was kept away from friends for a long time. I now see my best girlfriend for lunch and we make it a regular thing when possible. And I realize that it is CRUCIAL to my well-being to do that.

I guess I'm just trying to say...don't assume the worst here. And if you approach her about the Facebook thing...it won't be good.

[tbart01]

Thank you peace, and you're always welcome to butt in on my thread. As a matter of fact I've been wondering where you have been. I have absolutely no problem with her talking to old friends. I never asked her to stop doing it in the first place. It's something she did on her own.

I maintained my composure and said nothing about the post. I know it won't do anything but make me look bad. For me to say something would be childish. One thing I've learned through all of this is to maintain my cool.

I don't want to be a snoop, and that wasn't what i was trying to do. I just stumbled across it by accident. I agree that Facebook is evil, but I can't get rid of it. To many family and friends communicate with me through it.

I'm proud that i posted here and didn't crack. I don't want to make stupid mistakes anymore.

[steady]

tbart I posted this in reply to you on my thread. I thought it would be better here on yours:

Steady I'm glad to see that you're still human, and make mistakes. I agree with your previous post about wanting a miracle rather than needing one. that's a good place to be, but it doesn't make wanting it any easier does it?

lol..of course I make mistakes. Plenty of them too. It actually does make the wanting easier. It actually makes it go away.

The thing that makes the wanting hard is if there is a 'needing' attached to it. Imagine you want a new car, but you don't need one. When you think about that car it isn't hard at all to want it but knowing you don't have it. It has no impact on you at all - because you want it, you don't need it, so if you get it or not doesn't really make much of a difference.

That's the difference between owning your wants and not needing it to work out any particular way, and wanting with the flavor of needing.

i used to think i needed my M to be fixed, but I know I don't. However, i desperately want it to be fixed. Someone other than me would have to make some serious changes for that to happen.

I'll call you out on this and say you aren't at that point yet. If you really felt that way you wouldn't write - 'desperately' in the next sentence.

Desperate implies needing, a desperate person is like a person dying of dehydration desperately needing some water. The desperation is the neediness you need to get rid of. That's a component of detaching.

Think about this question:

If you could see the future, and it shows you:


1. You and your W going through this whole process that you are in, and getting back together after you both have grown and improved. You then have a relationship beyond your wildest dreams.

2. You and your W go through this whole process and end up not getting back together. You've changed but your W hasn't. Over some time you meet a woman who turns out to be a much better match for you because you have improved and therefore attracted a more healthy woman. It ends up being a relationship beyond your wildest dreams.

Knowing either one of these as your future, how would you be acting right now? Would you be desperate? Would you be detached knowing that you are destined to be happier than you ever were?

Think about that. Think some more. Imagine it. Close your eyes and see them both. Make it as real as you can in your mind - see, taste, touch, smell. Take your time.

Then come back and answer it.