Here is my story. I've been married for 32 years. We have 3 adult children...identical twin boys and a daughter. My d lives with me. The boys had their own place, moved back home a yr. ago and just recently moved out again. I have been unemployed since last June and currently am on unemployment.
My husband and I met at a Christian college. We met in Nov., started dating in Feb. '77 and got married in Sept. '77. Neither one of us graduated; we figured we would do that later. He was very attentive to me; very romantic. I had a miscarriage in July '78. H joined the Army in Dec. '78. I found out in Jan. '79 I was pregnant again. In March '78, I was hospitalized with placenta previa. He came home on emergency leave. He saw me in the hospital and then that night met a woman he had gone to business college with for sex. I didn't find this out until Aug. '79. Our boys were born in Aug.'79, I found out about this affair and we went for counseling. It seemed to work and we spent 2 years in Izmir, Turkey and later 3 yrs. in Fort Huachuca, Arizona. My d was born while we were in Turkey; I had to go to Germany for that. While in Turkey, h loved his job and everyone loved him. In Arizona, the opposite happened. He started a "friendship" with another woman soldier. I don't believe there was ever any sex.
He got out of the Army in March '84 and we moved back to Ohio. I was a stay at home mom all this time. After we lived in my hometown for a year and not really finding jobs to support our family, we moved to his hometown across the state. I went to work part time and h eventually found a good job that he loved. We were there 10 yrs. until he was downsized. I felt this was a great time to move back home, so we did. H found a good paying job and we had a house built for us in a new subdivision. I had different jobs during this time. Kids went to college and then my husband's job went through a period of time with no overtime. I was laid off at this time, too. This resulted in us filing for chapter 13. It took us 4 yrs. to pay everything off.
Two years ago I noticed my husband going through some changes. He was having memory problems, became much more irritable & distant to me. Sex was a once a year thing, which was something else he was having trouble with. I suggested he go see the doctor to see if there was something that could help him. He came home from the doc saying doc told him he was just tired. I suspected the doctor said more than that, but I accepted it.
In July '08 I read in the newspaper that my house was up for auction. I had been let go of my job in May '08, so I thought perhaps that might have been the problem. No, I found out that my h had stopped paying the mortgage in Sept.'07 and never said a word to me. I took my 403B money (little over 4,000 bucks) and saved the house. We got a loan modification. I was supportive of h during this time, but noticed him getting more and more distant. And a blank look on his face most of the time.
Then last year around Feb. he started using his cell phone more often. And when I would walk into the room when he was on the computer, he would close the page and turn around and look at me. I laughed and told him he looked like a child who had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar! He just brushed it off. Over the months he started getting cell phone calls at home. I told him I thought this was strange since he never used to even use the thing! He told me it was just people from work. He would come home from work, and then grab the newspaper and head for the bathroom. I noticed his time in there was increasing and he tried to tell me he was just having stomach trouble. LOL! I later learned he was talking and texting to a woman he used to work with.
At the end of May, our boys moved back home for a little while to help them out financially. In June, I was fired on my 90th day of work after I was sick for a week. Up until this time my h had said to me every day when he came home from work "Have I told you today that I love you?" He would say it other times too and I always thought this was the sweetest thing. After I lost my job in June, he stopped saying it. His cell phone calls started coming more often. He started getting more brazen and would talk in front of me, although I thought the conversations were cryptic. One night at the end of Oct. '09 I told him he must think I'm stupid. I asked him again to go to marriage counseling with me. I asked him again to see the doc. He dismissed me. He bought me roses for our anniversary and bought me a rose for Sweetest Day. Every day he would kiss me, hug me, and tell me he loved me. One night he actually kissed me long and hard and I teased and said I need more of those! He said he would see what he could do in the future. Then on Friday, Nov. 6th I was awakened by pounding at my door by the local police and a deputy sheriff. I had been sick with a sinus infection during this time and was pretty drugged out on meds. I went to change my clothes, then looked out the window to see if they were still there. I saw my h pull into the driveway with a U-Haul. I went downstairs and the police told me they were there with divorce papers. Talk about being blindsided! I even told the cops that he kissed me goodbye that morning. They looked like they were embarrassed.
Since Nov., he has come to our house for Christmas, but only spent a couple of hours here. He took me out for New Year's Eve and took me out to dinner 4 or 5 times. All this time we talked about possible legal separation while he "got his head on straight." His words, not mine. He would text me back and forth and some of those got ugly. I realize now that I did everything you are not supposed to do. I started reading everything I could get my hands on about midlife crisis. I went to the doc and was put on meds for depression. I started seeing a therapist. I lent my h some of the books, and what surprised me was the one book he loved and read twice (and still has) was a book on marriage.
In the last couple of weeks we have gone through the division of property and the scheduling of the trial. His attorney is a jerk. (putting it mildly) He plans on slandering me by saying I was a horrible employee and lost my jobs due to my own fault. My h knows this is not true, but apparently told his attorney that. I copied months worth of cell phone calls and texts and gave that to my attorney. He swears the one woman is only a friend and the other 3 or 4 women are also friends. I found his page on "Tagged" and read his comments to and from these women. To say they are lewd and suggestive is again putting it mildly! I was disgusted reading them. All of a sudden h wants to buy a motorcycle. I think because one of these women owns one. The other thing I noticed which I find very disturbing is the pattern I noticed with all the women he has been "friends" with and the one woman he had an affair with. They are all loud mouthed brassy blondes just like his mother!
At the court scheduling his attorney asked for a full day for trial. The judge only had one day available....Nov. 9th! I was ecstatic because this gives us more time! However, since that day, h has been extremely hateful and said horrible things to me. He wants nothing to do with me, says he never wants to see me again or talk to me. He has not spoken to our daughter since he left in Nov. I believe that's because he knows she will yell at him. His family supports him totally and have written all of us off. The only family members of his that support us are his one brother and wife, who are Christians.
I know that h fits the WAS and also MLC. I realize MLC can last a long time, but I think he's been in it for a few yrs. already. Just not sure what stage he is in. He is very depressed. He says things that I think go back to his early childhood. His real father beat him and his mother. She & h escaped in the middle of the night. I think that is where he learned that running was ok.
I am devastated and finding it hard to get myself in shape. My self-esteem is in the crapper, but I know I have to find a job. I understand MLC, but find it hard to believe a Christian can just walk away from a wife of over 32 yrs. when he does not even believe in divorce himself. He acts like he's been taken over by aliens, which I also know is MLC.
Oh! I forgot one important thing he did. He moved ow's son and girlfriend into his apt. last Nov. Her son was a felon and h said he was trying to be a mentor. He finally kicked them out at the end of Jan. Admitted to me it was a mistake. Said he hardly talks to ow now. However, he borrowed her truck to move his stuff out of the house last week. Ha! He told me last week he is seeking a divorce because he is tired of my abuse (whatever that is) and there isn't any other women in his life but friendships. He also said he does not sleep or eat well and admitted he is depressed. He has no TV and just sits in his quiet apt. either reading or staring at the bare walls.
I am extremely worried about him, but realize I have to stay away and leave him alone. This is the hardest thing in the world since I am a fixer....like most women!
Sorry this was so long and my future posts won't be like this, I promise. I appreciate anything and everything you all can advise me on. I am more curious about what stage he is in right now. I love him and want him back. I have forgiven him of everything and I no longer have the anger I once had. I know that God can give us a better marriage than we have ever had, if h would only give it a chance.
I am more curious about what stage he is in right now.
He is in the fog. No telling if/when he will come out of it. I strongly recommend putting the focus on you and your personal growth and happiness. Lots of good information here. If you do that, you will be prepared for him when he comes out.
How else can we help?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I understand the stages, but where exactly is the fog? Or do they experience fog throughout the entire MLC?
You all are helping me by just reading your posts. It's great to know I'm not the only one going through this, although I am sorry it is happening to so many others. And since I have very few people who are supporting me in waiting and forgiving him and wanting him back, it's good to come here and read all of your posts. You all are the support I need.
Hi ck...keep reading the threads and working on yourself!!! Detaching is the hardest thing, I am still working on that myself. My H told me of OW 8/09 and moved out 12/09 and has filed for a D. He is very deep into replay right now. If you check out the resources in the MLC forum, you will find lots of good reading and suggestions for books to read which it sounds like you have been doing some of that. Keep posting!!!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
