First off, thank you for your prayers. I truly needed them. It has been pretty dark for me the past few days.
Enough about me...let's get to you buddy.
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I have stopped blamming myself.
Good! You could do this until the cows come home but it will do no good.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I really don't know what to do when she says "I want to be single"
Give her exactly that then. Let her have a taste of that life she thinks is so great. Seems like a crap-shoot, yes, but as the saying goes, if you love something, set it free, it it loves you, it will come back. Then you know.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Dday, she is already free, she lives with a girl friend. She goes out when ever she wants, and spends her money on herself. do you think I should just file for divorce and just be done with it? This is where I come at an impass. I don't believe in divorce, I don't think it is the right choice but I go back and forth with it in my head endlessly. I dont want to be divorced. I don't want to be single. I know what she wants but how far should I go to give it to her?
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
Eric, the prayers will always come man. I have a lot of them to give. I read your thread and I truly don't know how you muster the ability to give me advice when you are treading in deeper water than me. You are a good man eric. I am blessed to have you take the time to give me advice
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
No, I am not proposing you file. Let her be, as hard as it may be to do. The goal right now is for you to achieve stability in YOUR life. There's nothing you can do about hers. You can't figure it out for her and you can't change where she's gotten herself at the moment.
You know like any other perplexing, puzzling task: the more you dauntly try to solve it, the more frustrated and less focused you become. Then you walk away from it for a bit, look again, and the answer was right there the whole time.
The bonus is, you go about your life to the best of your ability without (as hard as it may be) waisintg all your time and energy on this. Your W will see that and question, why does he get to happy? Why aren't I?
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
I dont want to be divorced. I don't want to be single.
If YOU feel this way..why then would you consider...
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should just file for divorce
The reality is that you may believe deep down inside you that by filing you will "wake her up". Look deep down in you and you will see why you are considering filing..I've made this mistake buddy. I pushed and boy did it come back and bite me in the as*. Stop looking at her - stop it! Look at your kids...look at you - really work on you and I mean really work on you. You can only do this once you stop looking at her. Let her sail in the wind buddy. You cannot control her so don't try.
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how far should I go to give it to her
How far would she give you? You expect her to see changes and accept you NOW but R u willing to give her the time she needs?
You don't want to file - you believe that you are going to get back together, then why file. Be kind, be gentle, control your emotions. Pray, but my friend do not file. Your not ready yet. You'll know when the time is right. Please DO NOT make the same mistakes I have made.
God bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
The bonus is, you go about your life to the best of your ability without (as hard as it may be) waisintg all your time and energy on this. Your W will see that and question, why does he get to happy? Why aren't I?
dday, seriously you couldn't have picked better words. Because as of right now I see my W and ask why does she get to be happy? This is tough being honest with myself. But I have been lying to myself before this. yes I have been working on myself and I have been doing things to keep my occupide but I'm not happy. I curled into a ball on the couch last night crying and asking God to just bring her back to me. I felt pathetic but it was true words and emotion, it wasn't me keeping anything in. I was truly asking for what I wanted. I feel better today but i am still digging out of the hole I created for myself.
Leaving her alone is easier said then done but i'm sure I can figure out what to do in order to make it easier on myself. I really do need to start being absent when she comes to the house on the weekends.
Its crappy because when i was in the military I went overseas for months at a time and my love and fondness for her never deminished, and it doesn't seem to be now. Even though she is being a crappy and selfish person.
I need prayer. lol
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
You don't want to file - you believe that you are going to get back together, then why file. Be kind, be gentle, control your emotions. Pray, but my friend do not file. Your not ready yet. You'll know when the time is right. Please DO NOT make the same mistakes I have made.
I don't want to file. I never had. Even when she was at her worst drinking every night and popping pills I never wanted her to leave. yeah I may have said things to myself like I wish she would just take off but honestly never ment them.
One thing that always got me through the hard times and through bad arguments(which were few) is that I would imagine the last thing I said to her and then what if I or her got into a car accident do i really want the last thing I said to her be what I remember. I never wanted to leave bad feelings between us. I was always I fixer, that is one that I truly need to just back off from. GOD I love her and it drives me nuts. But eric thank you. I truly don't want to file. I just need to really back off and give her the space she needs.
Thank you, Aces..
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
With this space that you are willing to give I would take some time to think about some of the issues that you brought to the M. More often than not, we think we changed them in a few months but the reality is that change takes time. Take this time. Give her this time. You will be alright buddy. I really believe that you have a shot here. A couple of pointer that I cannot stress enough...
1) Do not push 2) Think before you speak 3) Change how you look at things 4) Don't pull out the crystal ball and think you know what the future holds cause ya don't. 5) Keep drinking the big glass of STFU 6) Keep your realtionship with God tight 7) Keep your emotions in check. You may feel one way today but another way tomorrow. 8) Enjoy your kids 9) Be gentle on yourself 10) Find something that you really want to do for YOU and do it.
Finally, you want...friend me on the alt (FB).
FTR - your doing really well my friend.. really well.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Everything Eric said is spot on...I too thought I should just file- I will not though, b/c all avenues have not yet been exhausted...I would only file IF we went to Retrou, had a serious committment from W w/ intensive FT and books, etc...and after 1 year it didn't work...maybe I would file...
In the meantime- I am getting used to meeting my own needs, I am slowly turning the other way...it's been 7 days NC- W called this morning and I did not answer nor return her call.
I am not waiting on her...
But somedays I am...
Eric stressed your R w/ God- I dont know your history- I for one am Jewish, but went to Catholic school years ago...I Googled, prayers for the wayward spouse and printed them...I will say them day and night and know that the rest is up to God...
My love for W means something to me- I have NEVER felt this way before, nor have I ever been so selfless...it HAS to mean something.
And even if it doesnt turn out the way I would like- I have made the ultimate sacrifice- putting my needs aside and loving despite the hurt I have been shown...UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
I know you have the same...hang in there and be the best dad you can be.
