Hey, NC. Glad to hear that your younger brother is calling your SIL out like that; he sounds like a good brother! NC, I don't know about you, but I was much like your brother K the first year or so of the separation; thinking if I was a certain way maybe everything would get worked out. I know in retrospect, I did a lot of wussy things I shouldn't have, but I was motivated by love and fear for my family. I think if the D proceeds, in a year or so, K will prob. have more of a mind-set like I do today and you as well.
And good about the counseling. My kids had it last year also, and I think it was a good thing. BTW, I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing for our kids to see our pain over the D, is it? I mean I think our WAS go overboard trying to be cheery and acting like D is painless, so maybe it's a good thing they see some of our emotions.... a tiny bit of them anyway.
At our mother's request I tried to talk to my brother K Friday night. We had a falling out. He pressed me on where I now stand with respect to his STBXW and I while I tried to be diplomatic, I was candid with him. I told K that his STBX has by her various actions taken sides against me and our family, in favor of my ex and her new H. Given that, there is no other conclusion I can draw but that my STBXSIL has turned her back on me, my brother B, our mother and our side of the family.
My brother continues to irrationally support and defend his STBX. I can only partially understand his stance. It has crossed my mind he might be trying to DB her (although I doubt he knows of that approach) -- if so, I can say it is simply not working, not in his case.
So my brother got extremely angry with me. He tried to pass off my assessment as being tainted by my anger, that it is bitterness that causes me to react so. He further defended his STBX for "wishing happiness" upon my ex and that I just need to let my anger and animosity go.
What K said about my own anger and bitterness is indeed a great detraction from my position -- I understand that and am keeping that very much in mind. But what he is refusing to see is that my reaction to this one precipitating action by his STBX, giving her blessings to xW, is born not of what is done to me, but what this portends to my bother, K. My STBXSIL giving aid and comfort to my ex is a very crystal clear indication that she is now revealed to be sympathetic to someone who would destroy her H and rip their family apart -- and that was something that his W had expressed extreme shock, dismay and disgust not too long ago, to my very face. It reflects a duplicity that I find a great danger to my brother, as he is foolishly accepting her word at face value and assuming that his good will to his WAW will be reciprocated, quite the contrary. K's WAW is showing where she really stands and he is refusing to see it.
Or rather, he can see it, but he refuses to acknowledge it, for fear of rocking the boat.
So my brother blew up at me and threw his phone down -- and walked away in irrational anger. At that point I decided it was pointless to say anything more to my brother, as he was going to defend what he knew deep down was undefendable. And he was getting angry at me for forcing the issue out in the open when he'd rather pretend his WAW was going to honor her assurances to him and that she would be fair and cooperative with him for the sake of their kids. His WAW has gone back on too many of her words already -- K knows this but he doesn't want to face it.
So in his eyes he has to make me out to be the one who is just too hung up on my ex's remarriage, and for that my words should be given no weight. He doesn't want to see that while I am indeed angry and upset, it derives from a whole other set of reasons.
I am leaving K alone now, for a while. He sent me an email the next evening saying he apologized for getting so angry, and that he'd talked to his STBX -- she was not going to speak anymore with my ex.
I sent him a reply restating my position, that I am still concerned for him and his own welfare, that I don't like seeing him willingly falling on his sword for someone who has now proven to me she would never, ever do the same for him. I still love my STBXSIL, but I can no longer trust her, especially where K i concerned. I also told K that I had decided I was going to leave him alone and let him work this out on his own -- I am always concerned for him, but I won't lend him my counsel unless he wants it; until then he knows where he can find me.
What's the pity is that xW swore to me that she would never come between me and my family and friends. And yet she has done that very thing.
I am sorry that things didn't go as smoothly as you hoped. Your brother is supporting his wife and taking her side as most married couples do. He hasn't separated himself from her. I would suggest giving support and maybe not going deeper just yet.
He hasn't given up on his marriage. Maybe you should give him DB or DR and let him read it. After all he knows his marriage and his wife and may be able to see things you guys don't.
Hang in there NC. I am hoping the best for you and your brother.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I had a reply lined up earlier today but the gremlins must have struck my PC before I could hit submit -- lost the long post.
Anyways, I just had said that I am indeed giving my brother his space. He already knows I am here for him if he needs anything.
I also mentioned that despite the argument with my brother, I still had a very good weekend, including some GAL time with my friends. I even got to spend a little time with my S's on Saturday because S5 had his first soccer practice that afternoon (I had enrolled him in a local 5U program.) S9 and I sat on the sidelines encouraging S5. (And I gave no care to xW and her OM/H skulking nearby, in the bleachers.)
I am looking forward to nice weather this weekend. Saturday, April 3rd, is the first anniversary of the big D, and I am going to treat it as a day for celebration -- without mentioning that's the cause for my merriment, of course (not to my S's anyway. They'll just think it's all part of the Easter weekend.)
I made sure I was out with a friend that night. I wasn't nearly as upset or emotional as I thought I might be. Keep yourself busy. I did the same on our first un-anniversary. Hopefully it will become just another day with a passing thought of fondness and then I can let it go.
A year reminder of the actually D, no fon memories of that day.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
While I am saddened by my D -- it is a sort of death -- I can now reflect and think that I staying M'ed to a person like xW, as she is now, would have lead to an early grave for me anyway. So I'm looking on it as my release from bondage. Bad for her, good for me.
In other news, I have made arrangements to move to a new apartment complex, to be within the district of S9's school (it will be S5's school this Fall.) Otherwise , neither of them would be eligible. S9 likes the school and his circle of friends there. Plus it's a top-rated school.
The new apartment, although roughly the same size, and with the same amenities will be about $300 cheaper -- that's going to be a significant boon to my finances.
The only rub is that this is the same apartment complex that xW lives in right now. Unfortunately, this is the only set of apartments within the school's district.
I haven't said anything to xW yet. I don't plan to either. For one thing, she'll eventually learn the news through our S's anyway. For another, she had suggested it herself last year, and probably expects it already. I had merely resisted the idea, for obvious reasons, trying to search out other accommodations in the area, such as a house for rent. As it turns out, however, this was the only game in town, so to speak.
Besides, she plans to move out herself in August. It won't be too long that we have to endure the thought of being in such proximity of each other. If she were staying put I would never relocate there. No way.
I am sort of getting charged up now because this has been a goal of mine, to move to a cheaper place, and as such marks a milestone in my move forward again. This plus a few other occurrences happening at the same time give me more encouragement. Things are looking up.
Just an update. Something to post, to log for posterity. And for anyone who is still interested in knowing.
I am swamped with work and very busy with preparations for the apartment move. I've got nearly all the logistical stuff worked out, but the packing is still a mountain of work left to do. I have never cared for moving.
It took almost no time for the ex to find out about my move. Neither she or her mother have let out even one peep that they are aware. But Jabba the Hut (OM) tried to ask me about it last Monday (and he practically never says anything to me, so it was doubly odd to me.) Whatever. I had predicted it would leak out to them eventually, but not quite do fast. Only S5 had had any sort of contact with any of them, earlier that morning.
This corroborates my belief that xW and xMIL grill S5 and S9 for information the minute they see them. Or else they have trained these two small boys to sing like canaries at the drop of a hat. I'm thinking he latter, since I've seen how they interact. The minute they see their mother they tend to go into immediate confessional mode.
Enough speculation, even if they are well-educated deductions.
I think I may have another fight brewing on my hands. S9 is now talking again about tree houses. That's the catch phrase that his mother had been using to bribe him into accepting her fantasy. The fantasy she launched three or more years ago, unbeknownst to me at the time, to replace me with OM and a home out in the sticks, with a tree house for my S's. So they're replaying that old song again, renewing the coercion and bribery of these children.
I guess I've been a bit too confident that she would have a hard time selling the PC and a judge on her plans to move my children so far away from their father, to a school system that is a definite step backwards in quality from where they are now. Where S9's IEP is currently secured, and his counselor, and his excellent teachers.
But then xW never lets logic, rational thought or morality thwart her self-interests for very long.
S9 mentioned that his mother and OM had driven he and his little brother out by the school way out there in nowhere's land. Apparently xW is trying to convince S9 that he might be happier out there, at least some day, by the time he gets to middle school or high school -- if not sooner. She has evidently launched a campaign to bribe my S's and to convince them they should choose a lesser school system.
xW is so evil. So selfish. So sick.
Ten years ago we moved to this community specifically because of how highly rated the schools are. This was the best place, in both our estimations, hers foremost, for raising our kids. And when we had at one point thought we'd like to homeschool our children, we found so many excellent resources also right here in this community already.
Now she doesn't give a d*mn. Oh, she'll make excuses that she supposedly has our S's best interests at heart. But she continues to prove over and over again she's just full of BS.
I guess I am now going to have to once again notify the PC and let him know that her games are still afoot. He had expressed his hope that she would not be trying to continue to take such actions clearly not in the boys' best interests, such as bribing them and trying to move them to this lesser school system, but she is not complying.
Is this all I can do? To have to continually report these recurring infractions and underhanded scheming to the PC? I am starting to think there's very little that will be done about it even so. It's like trying to get the UN to do it's stated job in a war zone, it seems so fruitless.
Nevertheless I am sticking to my guns and making sure my S's have everything they need right here. The whole purpose of my moving is to secure their enrollment in this current school, and I will not let xW screw that up for them.
hey NC, i'm sorry you can't catch a break with psycho ex, hope there is something you can do about her moving them, I pray for wisdom to deal with this mess, take care friend.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Hey, NC. Sorry to hear you are going through the wringer still. I'm sorry I've been so busy lately (and I was sick this past week with a cold to check on you). Will email you when I get a chance.
thanks for the support!