New Year brings exciting news

[ACJ]

Thanks Kat. Everything else is going fine thank you.

S17 continues to push me to my limit and I am dealing with in ways that I think are working. For example I told him this weekend that if he continued to not come in on time I was going to implement a 'curfew tax' with the money going to charity. He clearly thought I was joking b/c he didn't come in on time again last night. I txt him before I went to bed and told him in no uncertain words that I was serious. When i got up this morning he had written me a note asking which charity the money was going to and the amount of money that he thought he had overstepped the mark by. As he wasn't up when I left for work I left a message saying the choice of chairty was up to him. I then put the money in a safe place so he couldn 't take it back.

He admitted to me tonight that I am being tougher on him with regards to his curfew than his dad and also said that is probably what he needs right now.

I'd previously made it clear in a telephone conversation that sitting around doing nothing for the next few months is not an option. XH has done me a favour in a way b/c i think S7 has now realised that he has burnt his bridges there and so has to tow the line more here otherwise he will find himself with nowhere to live (he thinks I will throw him out but clearly I would never do that)

[kat727]

There was an article that I read today about a few of the rags to riches stories here in the US. One really well known one was Oprah. She had been sexually abused, ran while until sent to live with her strict father. It was there that she got her act together and started doing well in school and other aspects of her life. Nothing wrong with being a strict parent that puts down the ground rules.

hugs, kat

[ACJ]

Having a tough day today. S17 had another alcohol induced crying session sat on my bed at 4am this morning. I don't want to go into why it's a bad idea for him to drink, he knows I disapprove.

I asked him to come into my room when he finally came home because I wanted him to know that I'm done in so far as trying to incentivise him into doing something with his life. I also told him that from this week, due his lack of respect for my rules and boundaries, I am going to 'charge' him £10 a week in board. It doesn't sound much but he needs to know I'm not going to be a pushover and that he has to take responsibility for his actions.

We talked about respect for a while. I only intended it being a short talk at taht time in the morning but we ended up talking for 3.5hrs. From out of nowhere he burst out crying and proceeded to tell me how much he misses his baby sister. That was hard to hear given that she isn't my child but I listened to him. What he said next disturbed me the most. He said he wanted to take her away to prevent her from getting hurt when she was older like he and his other sisters had been hurt. Anyone listening in who didn't know he was talking about a baby sister would have thought he was talking about his own child. It was scary.

I acknowleged and applauded his will to want to protect his sibling and was honset with him back by telling him that the only reason I had given up on my marriage was because I too didn't want another life destroyed by the mess XH has created. That really upset him because he truly thought I hated the baby. How could I, she is an innocent victim in all of this. He did however understand how much of a sacrifice that had been and how much it had (and still does) hurt.

He is so hurt that in the best part of a month his dad has not phoned him once to even ask how he is. He said (and these are his own words) 'that when his dad finally grows some balls back and realises hwat a mess he has caused he will be there to tell him truthfully how much XH has hurt him (S17)' I had the horrible task of telling him that that day may never come. That the man we all knew and loved may have gone forever. It broke my heart.

It's coming up to 4.5yrs since all this mess started and still XH cannot stop hurting us all. I wish I knew why.

[Andabelle]

Thank God he has someone to talk to about all this-- not really surprising he is drinking and acting out under the circumstances. So sad he is worried about his baby sister. Things can't be all that great at your X's place.

[kat727]

I know it is terrible to hear how hurt they are, how badly the other parent is dealing with all of this. You are however being a really great support to him and your daughters.

Just keep listening and talking and being supportive. He needs you now more than you will ever know.

hugs, kat

[TRUSTING]

One saying that really stands out here is "Hurting people hurt others". Deep, deep down inside your ex, he is a very hurt and scared little boy with unresolved issues. No one can help him but himself.

My heart goes out to your son. He needs guidance and yes lots of discipline. He is of course hurting too.

You sound like you are doing a wonderful job. Everytime I hear of a child hurting in this mess I cringe. This is so hard for us to understand I can't imagine being a teen-ager through this mess.

God Bless.

[ACJ]

Thanks ladies for your continued support. It helps so much just being able to put my thoughts down here without feeling that anyone is being judgmental.

I really wish I could get S17 to go to a counsellor. I am obviously prepared to listen to him and help where I can but he really needs professional help.

[TRUSTING]

I wish I could get my ML'er to a counselor........

[BeingMe]

Hi ACJ! You are such a supportive mom. Thank goodness, your kids have one parent that's sane. Is your S17 totally against going to a counsellor? Is your D14 (is she 14yo now? Gosh, time flies) in counselling? Perhaps your son will go to support her?

Just a thought! Keep up the good work. It's weird how a few drinks plus no sleep gets people talking. Not that I would encourage it, but it did serve a purpose in this case.

[ACJ]

Hi BM thanks for your thoughts.

Neither D14 or S17 have had counselling, they both refuse point blank.

D20 has had counselling but it came about in a roundabout manner. Just before XH left she disappeared overnight and I had to phone the police to report her missing (she was 15 at the time). As a consequence they treated her like a runaway (although that isn't what she had done) and put her in touch with a counsellor to help her work through her issues. This had just started when XH left. For her it couldn't have come at a better time and I know for a fact that she feels that this was a definig moment in her life (she was always my 'challenging' child up to that point).

I think D14 and S17 will eventually seek the help of a counsellor but not before the situation has made them both undergo some sort of mental health break down. I pray that I am wrong.