Eye of the storm?

[cyclone]

Don't know how to link my old threads but as a brief background to my sitch:

Bomb back in Aug 09. ILYBANILWY, W stops wearing ring, wants me to move out (I don't), she starts renting a room and spends nights away for a couple months. Can't handle being away from kids and moves back to spend ~50% of nights in the house. Talks D periodically this entire time but still hasn't filed.

A few weeks ago had a meltdown over wanting a new car but finds that she can't get a loan without me co-signing. I offer to pay to have car fixed. She gets really mad and now says that she really wants to D and accuses me of wanting to be adversarial. It was a real storm but I hung in there and stayed calm throughout. She still didn't file (that I know of).

HB thought she might be coming out of withdrawal, I thought she was(is) still in replay. Was HB right?...

Latest developments...

She had another breakdown last weekend. After she left Fri night, S7 discovered she was gone and went hysterical. He called her cell about 15 times in a row. She finally called back about an hour later. After talking to him for a bit she asked me if she could do something with the kids on Sat. We arranged for me to meet her with the kids so she could spend the afternoon with them.

She called early the next morning. It sounded like she was going to back out at first. She was very emotional. Said she hadn't slept all night and couldn't shut her mind off about S7's call and behavior. I validated the best I could, but told her that I was sorry that things weren't going as she had planned. She responded that there was no plan.

I met her to drop the kids off. We met for lunch and ice cream after. I kept trying to leave but she was really good at sucking me into a bit more time together. when it was time for me to go, S10 didn't want to go with her and she was quick to say he could stay with me. We all met back at the house that evening (then she left again).

Fast forward a few days...

W started wearing her ring again. She hasn't made an obvious attempt to make me notice. I haven't told her I noticed because I don't want her to feel any pressure and run back in the tunnel. I'm trying real hard to keep expectations low to no. She has kept the ring on for the past couple of days.

She also asked what I thought about seeing a MC together, and is acting a whole lot like the old W. She wants us to work on our communication.

She even reached out to call my Dad to say she has been praying for my Mom and him since she found out that my Mom spent the night in the ER (she's ok). It took real courage to make that call.

This is new territory for me. I've been spending the past 7 months doing mirror work and detaching. I need to keep doing what works but don't want to throw away an opportunity.

Is this what touch and go's are like? It really feels like she is trying to come back, but I also know that she is still talking to OM. Is this just the eye of the storm that we've found ourselves in?

[fisherman]

Don't stop doing what you've been doing. Continue to follow her lead.

It will probably be more difficult for you to remain patient now that you are seeing positive movement but you must keep yourself in check.

At some point in time, for this to be real, she is going to have to ditch the OM or it could be the other way around. Don't get in the way of this, let it happen on it's own.

It has to start somewhere, but if the OM is still in the picture she has a ways to go.

Expect nothing, keep your guard up and stay the course.

[Cadet]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1952314&page=1

Link to first thread

[cyclone]

Thanks OP. I'll have to paste that into my profile.

[HeartsBlessing]

Trapt has issued very good advice, follow it to the letter, Cyclone. Keep following her lead to see where it goes, no pressure...I believe she is coming forward. Don't backslide, don't push...just wait for her at this time.

I know this is hard for anyone to believe, but I have been looking for a new thread in your situation, Cyclone..I'd somehow known it would happen within two weeks after my last post to you. It took longer than I expected, but came, nonetheless.

No one is ever more surprised than me, when something I've felt coming materializes for real...I'm always afraid when venturing out on a limb like this, and saying something that seems impossible to know.

OM(if still in the picture) would definitely have to be ditched by her before any real work is done..but the signs of babysteps and an awakening/breakthrough is there within her.

Keep doing what you're doing, no expectations, anything for now..she must navigate this on her own...and with no help except validation of her feelings from you...I believe she will continue to come forward...might be slow, but coming back toward you.

In her call to your dad, she was, in effect, "testing the waters" in that direction to see how the lay of the land is. You're right, that took real courage to make the call.

It is also possible she may slide back and forth while coming ever closer. This will still take some time, so dig deeper for the patience that has already been developed within you.

Wait and watch is all I can really advise for the moment.

Keep us posted.

[cyclone]

Thanks for checking in Trapt and HB.

I can see how difficult this is going to be - keeping my patience going and not having expectations is difficult but I am managing pretty well. I am letting her lead and will see where it goes. Finding the right balance is the trick.

There have been many more baby steps. She wanted to go to school event together. I told her of an upcoming business trip and she wants to go too. She is starting to open up more about what she is feeling and it isn't pretty. It is painful to listen to but the good thing is that she is facing her past.

I was reminded that we are nowhere near through this as she was leaving to go to a movie with "friends". She won't be back until tomorrow afternoon. I handled it all well because I have kept my expectations low. It isn't easy though.

[HeartsBlessing]

There have been many more baby steps. She wanted to go to school event together. I told her of an upcoming business trip and she wants to go too. She is starting to open up more about what she is feeling and it isn't pretty. It is painful to listen to but the good thing is that she is facing her past.

I could be very wrong, but she may be disengaging from the OM; i.e. trying to get rid of him, so she's testing the waters to see how things are going to go with you.

It's like she's attempting to make a choice for herself; and although this sounds kind of sick/twisted, considering she's still talking to OM, yet beginning to talk to you, she's trying to make sure whatever choice she makes is going to be right for her.
Selfish, I know, but you want to come out looking like the better man for her. And, apparently, to her, you ARE the better choice....or she wouldn't have gone to so much trouble to test these waters to see how difficult it's going to be for her.

Her actions will become a little more clear as her intentions become more firm within, if that makes any sense at all.

Regardless, the MLC'er DOES remember how they were treated while within the tunnel, never mind they do not remember all they did to the LBS. My husband DID remember how I treated him, even though he did NOT remember all he did to me. In time, with the added forgiveness on both sides, ALL damage was forgotten by both him and me.

With that said:

No matter what she says, don't take it personally, nor react in nothing but calm to anything she says/does for now.

You must accept everything about her, and she must see in your actions that you do/will accept and forgive her. There is an adjustment that will take place within both of you as her life begins to run in tandem with yours once again.

This should become more clear to you as her "running" slows down and ceases. She should also open up even more, as time goes on, and don't be surprised if she cries and cries hard about all of damage..that is all right.

The children, especially the seven year old, seem to be the biggest source of her guilt, at the moment, that is really working on her. It's my belief she's also seeing what life would be like without you(and the children) in it, but again the hurt of the children is more of what she's seeing...and it's pricking her conscience, or what's left of it, pretty hard.

She came back, initially, because of the children, but the driving force within her has kept her running away, but coming back. Back and forth it has gone, and continues to go, until it resolves completely.


You're right, though she's making small steps toward you, you are nowhere near getting through this completely. Time is one of the biggest factors in MLC, and you've got plenty of that.


Validate, be empathetic, encourage and build her up, as she feels she's failed in many areas of her life. On the surface, she may seem to reject what you say, but inside she will process your encouraging remarks.

I know it's hard, but NOTHING about this is a cakewalk. Nobody said self-growth was ever easy, it involves pain, suffering, acceptance, and forgiveness of self.

People have the most trouble with forgiving themselves; they may forgive others without any trouble, but they are so hard on themselves...and some never forgive themselves...misery is a result of unforgiveness of self.

We're only human, and prone to mistakes...and we have to realize that; even the person going through MLC/Transition/emotional crisis.

We cannot change the past, only look toward the future, pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, FORGIVE ourselves, learning from the mistakes we make, and work our way forward.

The growing never stops, once we get a handle on it; it continues to our last breath.

It takes a great deal of strength to handle someone going through the growing pains of self growth.

With what you've learned and continue to learn, you'll make it through, Cyclone.

Keep us posted.

[cyclone]

Please keep reminding me to keep my expectations low.

As I wrote before, W left Friday night and didn't spend the night in the house. S7 had a ballgame on Saturday and she told him she would be at his game. I spent Saturday morning doing things for me and the kids.

About 15 min before we had to leave for the game W comes home. We all got in the car and headed out to the game. She sat by me the whole time. Just a week ago she would avoid being anywhere near me at practice. We talked throughout the game about little things. She asked about any plans that I had made for the kids spring break. I told I wanted to take them camping and she said that sounded like a great idea and wants to join us. We're going for two nights next weekend.

Sundays she leaves to go to a dance thing with a picnic afterwards. This is where she hangs out with her new friends (including OM). She left but called later to say that she didn't go to the dance but was disappointed that she didn't go because she really enjoys it. She said she was going to take a walk and go to a clothing exchange party. She let me know she wouldn't be home tonight but would be back to pick the kids up from school tomorrow.

All told there were many more positive steps than negative ones this weekend. I am working like crazy to not fall into a place were I feel like things are going back to the way they were. I don't want to do anything that she will take as pressure. I know she has to work on her stuff on her own. At the same time one of the things that she told me early on was that I didn't show her that I loved her and she felt abandoned. It is something that I know I need to work on.

Growing up I didn't have a role model of displays of affection and my W needs this from me. I see now that i've never really initiated that sort of affection, I've just responded to it. I want to work on changing that but feel that it is still too soon and would be too much pressure. I have been taking more opportunities for casual touches. I think that is all I can give right now. It is so hard to restrain myself.

I have hope that she is starting to distance herself from OM but i don't talk about any of that an have no way of knowing. She did say thatvshe purposle left her phone at the house during the game on Saturday. That thing has been attached to her person like some bionic appendage. Baby steps.

Time is on my side. Yes it is.

[Cadet]

At the same time one of the things that she told me early on was that I didn't show her that I loved her and she felt abandoned. It is something that I know I need to work on.

Cyclone,

Have you read the 5 love languages book?
What is your LL and what is your W?

Growing up I didn't have a role model of displays of affection and my W needs this from me. I see now that i've never really initiated that sort of affection, I've just responded to it. I want to work on changing that but feel that it is still too soon and would be too much pressure. I have been taking more opportunities for casual touches

I am going to guess that yours is touch. But are you sure that your W is the same?
Maybe not. Maybe you need to express this in other ways.

If I am way off base here feel free to correct me.

[cyclone]

Have you read the 5 love languages book?
What is your LL and what is your W?

I have. I think mine is acts of service and hers is physical touch.

I am going to guess that yours is touch. But are you sure that your W is the same?
Maybe not. Maybe you need to express this in other ways.

I do a great job with doing acts of service (my LL). I need to continue to work on the other 4. I could be wrong about hers being physical touch but she has criticized me specifically for the lack of that one in our past R.

Thanks, OP, for your observations. Sometimes others are able to see clearly what we cannot. I will look deeper.