Here is my Sit. I've been together with my wife since college. We were together for 6 years before we got married. During the time while we were living together but weren't married she had a PA but told me about it said it was over. I accepted that.
I'm 47 now and my W is 45. Her mom was diagnosed with lung cancer 2 yrs. ago and lived in another state. She started distancing herself at that time. No one in her family would take care of her mom after the cancer spread so she left me and our 2 kids and spent a about 4 months last year taking care of her - me being the single parent at home. Her father told her she needed to be home with her family. I don't know if she heeded the advice but she came home before Labor Day. The next weekend her mom died. After that time she became really detached and withdrew from the family.
She talked to me and said she wanted to go on a trip to Central America alone because she had always wanted to. I said 'sure' thinking this might help her get out of her funk.
No way! Upon her return she became more detached. Spent time in another part of the house away from me and kids. She seemed to spend all time on FB with 'friends'.
She would go out with her GF's and drink excessively. To the point that she passed out once and her friend had to tell my 16 yo son that mom wasn't coming home. All this a child of an alcoholic who never behaved like this since I've known her.
She then stated that she might want to go back to the same country and area with a different group sometime in the future. A month later she told me in the car with kids in the back seat that she had booked her flight! I was really pissed and hurt that she didn't even tell me but couldn't argue in front of the kids.
At Christmas time our tradition had been to go to her mom's house with our kids. With mom gone she did not want to do Christmas at all. She said 'let's skip it'. It was up to me to get a tree, put up lights etc.
I started freaking out at that time and started to go to see C. She said she wanted to go to counseling when she knew who I was seeing and when she went she stated she wanted me to back off and figure things out. Of course I had pursued like just about every other LBS here! Flowers, letters, pleading, reasoning. UGH! I think about it now and I get so pissed that I was naive into thinking that would help.
At our second session on 3/1/10 she dropped the bomb that she wanted out and a divorce and would move out. 4 days later she went on her return trip to CA. I'm suspicious it is a EA/PA with the organizer or the trip but don't know for sure. I just don't trust her from her behavior almost 20 years ago with the PA.
Here is my plea for help: She came back on 3/16/10 and as soon as she returned I let her know that I might have to sell the house because the bills would be impossible to manage by myself. We argued and soon thereafter I found this site. I've gone dark the last few days. She seems to like although I'm going nuts. I'm going to counseling on Monday and she says she wants to go too. I'm freaking about it considering the last 2 times she has dropped bombs. Should I let her go with me or say I need to do this by myself and we should set up a different appointment?
You should tell her that the counselling is no longer required and that you will no longer schedule joint sessions. You won't tell her if you're still going to counselling, that's something you do on your own time and schedule and you keep it to yourself.
- no more pursuing - mo more chasing - no more gift buying - no more dinners - no more relationship talk - no more txts, emails, phone calls, voicemails, and heartfelt tear jerking letters
Are you getting the drift?
And yes it will be hard for you to do all of this but that is precisely why you must.
Yes let her go and let her do what she wants to do.
Tell her you know about the other guy and that you won't tolerate her having an affair, it's disrespectful. If she wants to do that, let her. She won't be sleeping in the master bedroom anymore, she can find somewhere else to sleep, she can let the kids know that she's having an affair, either that or you will, you will speak to the OM's wife and let her know about all of this too and we'll see how long he stays attached to your wife. Listen, in the end, you can't force her to be with you but you can't reward her actions either. She's a big girl, let her learn to live with the consequences. Start splitting up the money before she sucks you dry, get a new savings account and get your pay deposited in there. Give her a list of the monthly household bills and tell her what she's responsible for, 50%. She doesn't want to be with you, she doesn't get to use your resources. You will push for and get joint custody, trust me you will, and you will get it, don't be trapped into thinking you will get taken to the cleaners, that mindset is a self-fulfilling prophecy, fight for and ask for more and you will get it, I guarantee you this, don't settle for less.
Let her be with the OM. Tell her you want to be with the OM because you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. And then tell her it's time for you to do the same thing, enjoy the company of a new female companion, it's been a while since you've been with another person and you want to find out what the big deal is since your wife thinks it's a great idea, maybe you will too ;-)
Everything you must do is the opposite of what you have tried, it's counter-intuitive, and yet these are things you must do.
There is no reason for her to attend counseling with you. A counselor is not a divorce mediator. If she is set on wanting a divorce there is no purpose to joint counseling. Take a stand..on that and everything else Rob said ^^^^
Go to counseling for yourself. Time to focus on you and the kids. They need a strong dad right now.
I've already stopped talking about R. Pursuing actions have been halted in their tracks. I've made myself scarce these last few days and have not said where I'm going or when I will return. She's asked afterward. Having a friend over to brew beer Sunday which she doesn't know about. I'm not planning on announcing it. I continue to GAL although it is sometimes the last thing I feel like doing.
She has stated that she is leaving while leaving the kids and the $ in the account. She has a life insurance settlement from her mom's estate and proceeds from the sale of her mom's house. She does not have a steady job. She has lots of education (which I paid for!) but no steady income steam to pay her day to day expenses.
I don't know for sure about OM as he would be in Central America. I just have my suspicions - that gut instinct that tells you something is up.
a couple days and you "don't know if I can keep going." brother, a little strength; a little perservence. shoot for 60 days of ignoring her phone calls.
There is no reason for her to attend counseling with you. A counselor is not a divorce mediator. If she is set on wanting a divorce there is no purpose to joint counseling. Take a stand..on that and everything else Rob said ^^^^
Go to counseling for yourself. Time to focus on you and the kids. They need a strong dad right now.
The thing I'm milling over is that she stated she wants to go with me. I didn't bring it up to her. I could look at it that she wants to take back what she said or should I just stand firm and let her figure out what she is doing? I've been a doormat in the past but don't want to shut the door yet if she wants to change her mind.
Should I let her swim around like a fish on a hook for while? (I hope you understand my metaphor
she wants to make herself feel better about her decision and be able to look back and say to herself, "I went with him to try and help him deal with this terrible ordeal and help him heal emotionally from this huge loss.... " so that she can feel better with her guilt.
If you want, go ahead and ask her, "whats your goal with attending counselling, what do you hope to get from it?"
Actually it's counter-intuitive but you do want to shut the door, if she wants to go so badly, heck even offer to help her start packing and put her things in boxes for her and do it with a smile.
she wants to make herself feel better about her decision and be able to look back and say to herself, "I went with him to try and help him deal with this terrible ordeal and help him heal emotionally from this huge loss.... " so that she can feel better with her guilt.
I've got to say she is doing whatever she wants at this stage so I shouldn't worry about her feelings when I tell her that I am going to C alone.
It would be great to have her think that I'm done with the R. That I am moving on. I figure that she has her own bank account, looks like she is getting her own credit card. I will open my own account next week and transfer my $ into it to keep it secure. Thanks for the advice Robx.
Our kids don't know that the W wants a D. But they definitely know that R is in trouble. I also need to add that we have an exchange student from Switzerland living with us until the end of June.
My C said the kids should not be told about the D until after exams. Do I kick the W out of the bed now or later?
