Snodderly, I hope you don't mind. I pulled this from the archives since I see a lot of people stuggling with this(including myself). I hope this helps people understand whats happening and achieve detachment.
Many moons ago, I wrote about the Pursuer and Distancer behavior and how to cease the "game". Many old timers will remember our discussions about this subject. After reading many of the postings and how your mlcing spouses are pleasant to you one time and then slam dunk you the next, I thought it was time to bring this topic back into existence.
There is a wonderful book out there entitiled, The Solo Parnter" by Phil DeLuca. In this book there is a chapter on Pursuers and Distancers and how they have a dance/game going on w/their spouses. I'm going to share a bit of this w/you now and you'll be able to identify the reactive behaviors both you and your mlcer play.
In many instances, your mlcing spouse is the Distancer because he/she has distanced themselves from you. In order to attempt to get them to come back, you'll make all sorts of sacrifices, promises, deals, etc., i.e., w/promises of change, anything they want you'll do, etc. You then become the Pursuer. Pursuers are more motivated to initiate change in order to get the spouse back. A Distancer will rarely initiate change and never changes in response to direct efforts by others. He/she will only change when he/she fears losing his pursuer, and this can happen only when the pursuer stops her/his pursuit. This is when the Distancer becomes the Pursuer. He/she will do this with apologies for the rude and crude behavior, little gifts, nice emails, cards, phone calls, etc. Whatever you do, do not let your guard down when they are being nice. This is where they attract you back into the game like a moth to a candle. They know that you want them back and will do anything to get them back; and they also know just what strings to pull to get you to pursue them all over again. Stop! Do not pursue or the game will continue on indefinitely!
Take a minute and think about this another way. When you detach and distance yourself from your spouse, notice how they start coming around, being nice, etc.? Well, he/she feels that you are not pursuing them. They want the chase, they want you to pursue them so that they can come back and slam dunk you all over again. It's a dance of madness. They may not even be aware of what they are doing, but once you snap up the niceness all over again, they will most definitely come back w/anger to distance themselves from you again for their safety and security. Does this sound familiar to you?
Here are some specific ways you can avoid pursuing your spouse at this time:
Emotional Level:
Don't initiate conversation or give advice (even if they asked for the advice, refrain from giving it).
Abstain from trying to change or improve your partner in any way.
Do not seek his emotional support or help with any of your problems, concerns, or worries.
Do not look to him as someone to talk to.
If you've been babying him, stop.
Identify whatever you are doing for him, and stop doing it. An example of this is: stop doing his laundry, picking up after him, cooking especially for him, or waiting on or for him.
Stop "keeping the peace". If you've been intervening between him and others, be it children, family or friends, stop doing so. He needs to learn how to interact w/others all on his own.
Physical Level:
Do not initiate expressions of affection, such as hugging, kissing and saying "I love you," or "I'll miss you," or asking questions such as "Do you love me?"
Do not appease your partner sexually any longer.
Do not plan your schedule around his, and do not do things for him.
This is not the time for a romantic vacation or second honeymoon.
If he spends his spare time at home, arrange to be out while he's there.
Do things with family and friends or by yourself.
In short, do as little as possible for him or with him, with the goal of doing absolutely nothing.
The most important pointer to be made--DO NOT give The Solo Partner to your spouse.
In other words, leave your spouse out there and do not take the bait when he puts it under your nose. The sooner your spouse (Distancer) realizes that you aren't going to react and pursue him/her all over again, the sooner the dynamics of your situation will change. Take back control over your life and don't allow the mlcer to control and/or manipulate your life any longer.
I recommend to each of you to get this book and read it. I read this book in 2001/2002 and I highly recommend it. It's not only good for what you are dealing w/at this time, but you can apply the techniques in the work place as well.
I would heartily agree that this would be the approach with a typical WAS.
However, I am not sure this is the correct approach to those of us dealing with MLC's?
They are in a state of changing/dealing/coping themselves.
I'm not necessarily saying it's wrong for everyone, but I'm not sure it's right for all those dealing with MLC either. In fact it can change as you go through the journey.
Knowing what to do and when, has all the rules thrown out with the MLC person. It's sometimes a trial and error road, with lots of errors. Even doing what works will change at times. Being consistent is what works for me. Consistently nice. Detaching is a key, but some of those items may have to be looked at on an individual basis. IMO
OMG! This is an oldie that I created many, many years ago!
dbs, What works for one, will not work for others. That's the reason you must take what you read w/a grain of salt and apply only those things that will help you and your situation.
Actually, this information worked for quite a number of posters back when it was posted. Many of us had the "dancers" and we had to learn not to be sucked back into their drama. We each had to learn how the dance played out in our respective situations. You are one of the fortunate ones that continue to have a nice relationship. Count your blessings for that.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
D$-No I'm not saying I completely disagree. More of what snod said, and to some extent you also in defining it.
As far as my sitch goes-I am far from having a wonderful relationship. But for me I see it turning a corner at least, and she is starting to actually give me feedback and acting like she is getting a grasp on what she wants. She has said that being nice, when I clearly had plenty of reason not to be has impressed her and influences her to reciprocate. On the last go around that did not seem to matter much most of the time.
I have been distancing myself, although not fully detached, and yes, that has helped immensely. I've let her do some of the pursuing as of late, and she seems to be ok with it. I am trying to not act like I'm caught though, and that MUST continue until the time is right.
I think I agree with more of the post then not, but as snod said-each is different and the LBS must decide (mostly trial/error) what works for him/her/them.
Thank you for bringing this thread up. It is one of my favorites as it was something I struggled with more than anything else. It is actually my bookmarked page to get to the site LOL...
Snodderly, thank you. More help than you will ever know...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
It's what I've been struggling with lately. I'm seeing some of the newer people here struggle as well. I just happened to come across that thread yesterday. Maybe I was meant to.
D$ - Thanks this was very, very helpful. I have really struggled with detaching and I think this really lays out some very clear steps. The key though with MLC (I think) is to detach in some form of a loving manner. Personally, I stuggle with detaching in this form but at the end of the day it is what I think we need to do in order to not become hardend by the actions of our spouse's.
Once again - thank you for this post.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
