Feeling more nervous. Yesterday I went over there and he was grumpy (he's had an ongoing headache). Around 9pm, he said he was going to bed, so I went to leave and noticed the COBRA notice on the counter. So I asked if I could open it and he said sure. OMFG! It will be nearly $1800/month! So, if I thought he was grumpy before- well, this set him over the top. He got REALLY mad; and mad at me for opening the envelope when he was tired and had a headache. (essentially.) I said something about how the boat needed to be sold ASAP ($500/mo payment). We were both shocked at the price and so I was just sort of looking at him with wide eyes (like wtf are we going to do?) and he says "What!?!? are you going to keep rubbing it in my face?!" I responded with "what *exactly* am I 'rubbing in your face'?" No answer. He was stomping around the kitchen saying "I can't deal with this. I feel like sh!t; I'm tired; my head hurts!" I finally just said "We are NOT going to turn on each other now. THIS is when we need to actually be a team. Get some rest- we'll figure it out."
Ugh. ugh ugh ugh. I don't like that he thinks I am "rubbing it in his face" (whatever that really means.) I don't know- it makes me feel like he assumes the worst of me or something. I am afraid this is going to spiral out of control.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
You're taking it personally, and you shouldn't. He is angry about his situation with losing the job and having this surprise cost. Go shop for new insurance, that would be constructive. Just because he lashes out at the nearest person doesn't mean that you should do the same. You can find cheaper health insurance than the COBRA.
@lotus- you are right. I did some research and found insurance for half the cost, but the deductibles are pretty high--with stepson having MS and taking interferon shots every other day, it might be cheaper to go with cobra, at least for the next month. Then we'll have to figure out what to do. I wish they would have sent out the info, oh, say, last month instead of days before the insurance goes way. I feel like they have us over a barrel since there is not really time to shop around and we can't have stepson (inparticular) without insurance.
Anyway- H changed his relationship status to "it's complicated" on FB. I said that it couldn't stay that way forever because it feels like a non-commitment. He said he knew that and it won't. He wants me to get a new ring (his ring came monday and he is wearing it now) and then we'll have a photo taken of our hands with the new rings. Then post that on FB with some sort of 'announcement' that says something about new rings, new beginnings, growth for our love...(He said it MUCH better than I am saying here)...and it was HIS idea!
Then he played me a song he is working on that essentially talks about how I stood by him and that he loves me and we are bonded forever/we're one. (Something like that- it's a work in progress so he only played it once.)
He said something about how he feels compelled to write music. Whenever he says stuff about music, the very first thing that pops into my head is a few years ago when he said "I'm afraid I'm gonna cheat. Because you know how women are with lead singers of bands." (He wasn't even in a band at that point.) So, I said "It is hard for me to get really excited about your music because of what you said. I need you to take that back". So, he said "okay- i take it back." :| I explained that the tape that replays in my head is what he said I need something to replace it. He said "oh. okay. We're together. I had my chance and there wasn't anything out there. I know that now. It's just 'us'. We're committed."
Today I will gather up all the gold and rings I don't ever wear, and hopefully get enough money to buy the replacement ring and have a little left over.
I can't believe it- I am moving back in 3 days!
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
Moved back in. But now in a HUGE fight over him selling the boat he bought last year. A $500/month payment. A total luxury. He is willing to put it up for sale, but he doesn't want to lose money on it.."besides, I'd like to use it over the summer". He is now unemployed and he wants to keep a BOAT! He had said that he had realized what was important and it wasn't "things"-- I see this as the ultimate "thing". I'm pissed.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
You guys need a budget summit. I get this from Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. Now that you are back together, you need to sit down and go through all of the monthly bills, the income, etc.
If you are the "nerd" the one who likes spreadsheets and hates to overspend, come up with a plan. If he is the free spirit, you have to then give the plan to him and let him make changes to it.
That may hurt your spread sheet loving heart, but it will at least let him feel ownership of the plan.
I wish I'd done this with STBXW. She never knew how to save two nickels so she willingly gave control of the finances to me. I'd include her in the beginning, but then I just started making decisions on my own.
She struck back by just constantly overspending since we weren't really working together.
Now we are both in huge financial holes.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Updating- The boat is still here, but he is making some headway in selling a couple cars...not that they are on the market, but he is doing the necessary prep work. Right now, because of his severance package, we aren't destitute or anything like that...I just hate that boat...and feel embarrased by it, somehow.
He changed his/our status to married on facebook. Yay! We've had a few discussions about wtf he was thinking during our time apart and why he did what he did. Part of it he said "I was a bad man; bad husband. I never wanted to see myself as selfish, but I was in a lot of ways." Also, he had thought I wasn't his "type", but once he got out there and started looking around, he realized I *am* his 'type'. He still says (very seriously) he doesn't know what kind of spell I put on him, but he now knows I am "the one" for him.
We went out looking for a replacement ring for me; I think after I sell off all my old rings and if I recycle my center diamond on my current ring, it should pretty much be a wash cost-wise.
Overall, it's actually going pretty good. We still have some bumps, but we're dealing with them for the most part.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
