Because, to be able to sell her new M to my S's, xW has had to malign and distort the history of our M and our family life, to freakish proportions. She has been trying to convince our S's that the reason we were split apart was solely because of me, that I was an unloving workaholic who was too stingy with sharing my time with them, a poor, absent father who never really loved his children and treated them all like "possessions". And that she was nothing but the innocent loving victim who has now suddenly found "love" with OM. She's reverted back to her old saw that we never really loved each other and thus I basically forced her to commit adultery.
Two wrongs don't make a right, I know. My own commentary might very well have been unwise, but failing to defend the truth of what really was and took place, against such outright lies and fabrications, seems equally foolhardy.
I will try to contain my words from now on, not say anything, but I don't think there's any way to minimize the impact here -- either I fall on my sword as xW expects me to, or I at the very least stand as silent testament that their mother is a pathological liar. No matter what, nobody will be fully satisfied by whichever path I take.
I guess the detente was too good to be true. Meager as it was.
I got an email from xW this evening concerning the meeting with S5's teachers. She launched into the most insane, hate-filled diatribe I have seen from her in a long time. Even for her it went beyond the pale. She blames me for S5's emotional issues, that because I "keep him from his mother" during my week of custody S5 is now acting out and having emotional incidents at preschool. She accused me of hating my children and wishing to punish them for participating in her wedding. And then she went off on some wild tangent trying to rewrite the order of events about when the children knew about her plans to marry, thoroughly contradicting herself several times over. It was the biggest confused jumble of insane spewing nonsense.
I now look back and realize this email from her represents the actual thought processes going through her warped mind this afternoon during the meeting -- all the while I thought we were both focused on the teachers and child counselors trying to discuss and find solutions for S5. Not so.
<Sigh> I am doubly convinced now that my ex is hopeless -- a sick, twisted person, and it is stuff like this that has been stressing me out for over three years now. No wonder my kids are having such reactions.
Uuuuugh! Classic mistake: Arguing with an insane person has made me insane.
Keep the email in a folder. Forward it to your attorney and ask him what your options are. Don't engage in a war of words. Let her words drag her down.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
There is no butts about it she is insane and you can rationalize with a insane person. Clingingtohope has got it right, you need to keep this email in a file, and document every case/issue that comes up with her. Fill your attorney in with the details...
It seems that all she wants to do is stir it up... this is not about her anymore, this is about the boys, and she seems to think causing more drama is going to make things better.. or is she waiting for you to give up? I wonder....
(((((hugs))))
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
NCB, I was thinking about your stituation. I know that you said in the past when it is your time with the kdis she likes to show up to disrupt things. If I remember correctly you e-mailed her asking her not to be there. As crazy as she is, you asking her not to come probably makes her more determined to come. My X seemed to LOVE to show up to the kids activities with the new wife, and always made sure to sit where i could see them. I never acknowledged their presence, it was irrelevant. Them being there did nothing to diminish my wanting to be there for my kids. And seeing them there together made me realize that they were perfect for each other, two seriously flawed people who had to destroy others to get what they wanted, because they were the center of the universe.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
((((Irish)))), thank you for your words of support. I really appreciate you. Yes, my ex is both evil and insane. There's no other way to describe her.
BND, I believe you may be right. xW does seem to thrive on the drama.
...
I had an awful day today. I will elaborate on this in the morning, but right now I am just too tired and need to go to bed. I will say it was one of the most demoralizing things to me in this whole three-year-long ordeal.
Hey, NC. Hope you're doing ok today. It's beautiful weather here today; hopefully where you are too...I do think your X is a button-pusher for sure!!! (((((NC)))))
I already had a rough day at work yesterday. An 11th hour "crisis" I was forced to handle, but it required me to ask the xMIL to drop S9 off at a birthday party for his best friend because I was going to be later than I had planned. Let me say I hate owing xMIL any sort of favor.
I finally got off work and managed to pick S9 up and the party, where he had been having a great time. Then together we went to xW's to pick up S5 -- this was to begin the start of my week of custody with both of my S's.
When I got there, however, S5 was having an absolute conniption fit over the fact I was there. He began screaming that he did not want to go with "Daddy" and wanted to stay with his mother. He bawled loudly and refused to leave, twice he ran away from me and away from my car. He had an absolute meltdown exclaiming he doesn't want "Daddy" but he wants"OM" instead.
For my part I tried not to show any signs of emotion, one way or the other. I wanted to present a calm exterior to my S, neither angry, upset or too far to the opposite, as a too happy demeanor would be risky in itself, and might come off as too glib or trite -- he's not stupid. And I refused to be the one to drag S5 to my car; I let xW be the one to do so, as I would rather her be seen as the confrontational one in this case. I also spoke in calm, gentling tones, with love and a desire to understand my S, but still firm and resolved.
Internally, my heart was shattering. I felt so dejected. xW took her dear sweet time in coaxing S5 to go to my car, spending an excruciatingly long time cuddling with S5 and reassuring him -- she was in no real hurry. I got the impression she was stalling in hopes I might give up. I can say I was so distraught inside at S5's wails that I nearly did give up, at a couple of points. But I realized that that would be wrong. It would be cowardly for me not to stand my ground, no matter how this was killing me. I tried to keep in mind that I have to hold the line for my S's sake, or else all would be lost.
OM was there, skulking in the shadows beyond the view of the threshold. He opened his mouth a couple of times to say something to S5. That just started another round of angry protests from S5.
I managed to get S5 out to my car and into the back seat. But as I was trying to get his older brother in after him, S5 slipped out the other door and ran back crying towards his mother's apartment.
I have never, ever seen S5 act this way, around anyone. And certainly he has never had this reaction to me before. I have had a very loving relationship with S5, and with his brother. This was a change in demeanor as I've never seen in him, not to this degree, and not focused so strongly against me.
Finally I got S5 in his seat and his belt buckled and then made sure S9 was also secure. As I got myself into my car I took another glance at xW's face and saw how she was staring at S5. I read in her expression this odd mixture of self-satisfaction and
She noticed my staring at her, raised her eyebrows and said, "What?!?"
At that, I paused from getting in the car, closed the door, and briefly dropped my outward calm, saying to her, "You know what!"
I then got into the car, and she was trying to reply that she had nothing to do with this scene. She exclaimed that this is all my fault, that S5 can sense my "anger" and that is why he does not want to go with me. She said that he is 5 years old and needs his mother, but I am taking him away from her.
She said this within S5's earshot and that nearly made my anger errupt out of control. But I ignored her after that point and refocused on both of my S's, and getting the H out of there.
Driving home I felt the aftershock of all this stress and wanted to cry, but I held the tears in check. I could feel the strain on my heart. Instead I tried to engage S5 and his brother. And while it took a while to get S5 to calm down, I eventually got him to tell me where he wanted to eat -- I bought him his favorite food and took him home.
We spent the evening having a good time playing together, and S5 seemed finally to be content. S9 had no problem at all with being with me. He actually seemed to welcome it.
Obviously, S5 is having a lot more going on inside of him than he has let on in my presence before now. But nothing could have prepared me for the shocking degree to which he was showing such angry rejection of me, his father. Likewise there is nothing in the way we related to each other in the past that would warrant such an extreme display.
I am convinced that xW is poisoning my S's against me. Despite her constant claims she tries to foster the relationship our S's have with me, I know she does not. And now I am convinced she has been actively brain-washing them, and turning any slight difference to her advantage. I know how xW thinks, especially now, and while I would have hoped she was beyond such tactics, I am afraid that here too is an area I have placed in her too much trust.
After the boys were off to bed. I did talk in separate calls to my mother and to my youngest brother. They tried to cheer me up and assured me that I needed to stand strong in the face of this disheartening turn of events. They worry for my morale now, and told me to be strong for S9 and S5. They each concluded that xW has shown her true colors in these last three years, especially now, and my S's need me now more than ever.
My brother went further and suggests, much as some of you have, that it may come a point where I will need to fight for full custody of my S's if I have any hope that they will have normal, well-adjusted lives. I really do not want to take my S's away from their mother, no more than I want her to take them away from me. My S's do love her, and they need a mother as well as their father.
Likewise, I worry that my attempts to hold on to them might not cause them more harm than not to -- but then I realize that that is precisely the conclusion that xW wants me to decide, and the very reason she acts without constraint.
Today, we are having a lazy day, taking it easy. No long hike as I had originally planned. We are all calm and relatively happy. I am not looking forward to what more antics might be in store for me when xW gets a hold of my S's again.
I am praying to God I can weather this storm, as it was as bad as anything I have ever dealt with. I think it may very well have been, in many ways, even worse than the bomb itself.
