What I learned about detachment

[gucci loafer]

detachment can be done no matter what you "feel"

As long as you are looking for a feeling of detachment then you are on the wrong road. Detachment can easily be done with the actions of detachment. It can be done even if you don't feel like it...

The sooner people stop associating detachment with feelings the sooner they will understand what it means. Matter of fact, you don't even have to understand what it means.


Same as you don't have to feel love to be loving. You don't have to feel like going to work, to go to work. You don't have to feel disciplined to be disciplined.

The people who go by their feelings or wait for the feeling of detachment are slaves to their feelings. That is why it takes some longer than others. It does NOT just come when it comes. It CAN be initiated and it can be accelerated.

Just because you feel detached doesn't mean you are detached. Same as just because you don't feel you aren't detached doesn't have to mean you aren't. Stop going by your feelings. Feelings can deceive you. They can change from moment to moment.

[Steve McQueen]

Well, no time like the present to put myself to the test-

W got home @ 5:30 from concert. She has v'ball game at 7:30. When she got home, she was drunk. Wasted. I was laying on floor playing with kids and she came in and stuck her tongue down my throat and told me to come tuck her in. She said how drunk she was and how much she missed me. I followed her to the bedroom and she laid down and told me to wake her in an hour. Then she grabbed my belt and started undoing it and told me she was sooo horny. We haven't ml in two months mind you. Without going into too much detail, I let her service me and she said it was her turn and she wanted to.....I said you need some rest if you're going to coach tonight and if you're that horny now, maybe you'll be that horny when you sober up. I don't have any interest in just f****** my wife again.
Been there, done that. I left the room and closed the door.

NOW THATS DETACHMENT!!!!!

[steady]

detachment can be done no matter what you "feel"

As long as you are looking for a feeling of detachment then you are on the wrong road. Detachment can easily be done with the actions of detachment. It can be done even if you don't feel like it...

The sooner people stop associating detachment with feelings the sooner they will understand what it means. Matter of fact, you don't even have to understand what it means.

Same as you don't have to feel love to be loving. You don't have to feel like going to work, to go to work. You don't have to feel disciplined to be disciplined.

The people who go by their feelings or wait for the feeling of detachment are slaves to their feelings. That is why it takes some longer than others. It does NOT just come when it comes. It CAN be initiated and it can be accelerated.

Just because you feel detached doesn't mean you are detached. Same as just because you don't feel you aren't detached doesn't have to mean you aren't. Stop going by your feelings. Feelings can deceive you. They can change from moment to moment.

Interesting post gucci. I never said it can't be initiated or accelerated. I worked my ass off to become detached and it was mostly a mental working and had nothing to do with an emotional working. In my opinion, if you're emotionally not attached then you are detached. I didn't have a physical or mental attachment to my W. It was an emotional attachment.

I could rationalize the [censored] out of why I shouldn't be attached, why her treatment of me would be grounds for me to just walk away, but you can't rationalize yourself out of anything. If this were true, then all I would have to do is give myself one example of why I should be detached and then I would be.

So how do people go about accelerating and initiating detachment?

What's your definition of detachment?

Thoughts can change from moment to moment. So is a person supposed to trust those?

I'm honestly asking for your input because this is what I see as one of the biggest blocks for people in the situation they find themselves here for. I know first hand from my experience if I had achieved the level of detachment I'm at now in the beginning of my sitch a lot of things would have been very different throughout the whole thing. I'm sure any help in creating detachment would be well received.

I happen to disagree with some of your points but I always look for a better perspective than my own - that's how I grow.

[tbart01]

Steady your point on detachment seems difficult when you're trying to reconcile. I know it needs to be done like you explained. However, it seems like you're letting go and moving on with your life when detaching? It seems counter productive if you still want your marriage. i guess that's what makes it so difficult to do sometimes.

[steady]

Are you at the point of reconciliation? When you are both on the path of reconciliation things are different.

It was and is about letting go and moving FORWARD. Tell me, what are you holding onto? A woman who is moving away from you. You'll just get dragged and she'll see you as an anchor.

It only seems counterproductive because it is counterproductive to what you think it should be. But what you think is what got you into the situation you are in.

Did you read Michelle's book? She addresses how this process seems counterproductive.

Did begging, pleading, pulling out wedding albums, writing letters, cards or poems, buying flowers, doing more housework, etc... work?

Detaching is giving both of you the space you need. She especially wants the space. I'll bet she even said that in some form or another.

You can care and still detach. It doesn't mean you aren't there for them, it just means their actions and words don't have an impact on you and send you spinning.

Another way to do it is to treat her as a friend or roommate.