Things That Matter

[bright_new_day]

I will be the first to admit that I am not Ghandi. I stand up for myself when warranted.....although I will say, after standing up for myself numerous times in areas where he used to steamroll me, it has become much less necessary. He is finally getting it that he can't bully me like he used to, so he doesn't try.

[ClingingToHope]

But despite the fact she disproves of her mother's new lifestyle, she loves them both dearly, but she no longer feels as secure with her father -- he has abdicated his authority and his moral standing.

How do you know that?

[NoCodeBlues]

they are almost afraid to say what happens at each house as it will hurt or spark anger in the other parent.

Kat, I'm not sure where you're inferring this from. I'd have to say if anything, so far, my two have done nothing but bubble over effervescently about the goings on at xW's house, even when I kindly ask them to not do so. If anything there is too much candor about the other household -- TMI.

The things you dislike that your wife does with the kids are not any better when done for your purposes.

I think you lost me here. Are you talking about alienation against the other parent? Or something else?

I'd like to think that there was a middle ground between Mike Tyson and Ghandi. But if I have to err, I'll go with Ghandi.

Depends on the arena, now doesn't it?

How do you know that?

My niece still confides in her other uncle, my youngest brother.


To all:
Again, I hear what all of you are saying. And I do take much of it under advisement.

[kat727]

I was just saying in the past you have mentioned that they don't want to say what they are doing while with their Mom. Sorry If I misunderstood. I just want you to feel better again.

Please throw the darn rope away. You don't need or want it in your life anymore.

kat

[NoCodeBlues]

Kat, I dropped the darn rope only to have xW whip me with it!


I wish I wasn't just half-joking.

[NoCodeBlues]

Actually, Kat, what I've said about my S's is that they have only lately taken to be selectively discreet, but most of the time they spill their guts to me when I'd rather they contain their loquacity.

I have just found it odd which particular articles of information they found it important to clam up over. Like, for example, the fact xW and OM were getting M'ed this past weekend -- to my mind it was like, so? They had already said it would be in March. So it was no big deal that required them to be secretive about. Thus it didn't make sense -- but they're kids, so what can one expect.

Then once the day is past -- boom! Spill their guts, they did.

It's hard to tell my two that I'm really not interested in such details without it sounding like I'm blowing them off, which I'm not. I understand and sympathize with them that they have a difficult time compartmentalizing their lives, especially S9. But for my own peace of mind and theirs, I want to minimize her constant attempts to overshadow their time with me.

[ClingingToHope]

Perhaps they can tell that everything your ex, their mom, does bothers you and they feel like they are getting caught in the middle.

Just a thought. I'm not in your sitch. I'm not sure what my stbx is doing in her free time. For the most part, she hasn't thrown any of it in my girls' faces. There are a couple of times she's ditched them at MIL's so she could go partying, but nothing to the point it's worth complaining about.

[bright_new_day]

Originally Posted By: bright_new_day
The things you dislike that your wife does with the kids are not any better when done for your purposes.

I think you lost me here. Are you talking about alienation against the other parent? Or something else?

I am talking about the negative comments about the other parent. They are hurtful to the kids, whichever side they come from. Saying that your X's new marriage is pointless because she does not value marriage is just hard for them to hear, and serves no purpose.

[NoCodeBlues]

Saying that your X's new marriage is pointless because she does not value marriage is just hard for them to hear, and serves no purpose.

So I should allow the counter argument to go unchallenged? I should allow xW, OM, xMIL, et al., make their statements that this M is valid and respectable, when they have all denigrated the M and the family they conspired to destroy? Simply because that was then and this is now? Should one's loyalties be so transient? To deny one and uphold the other?

Believe me, I understand the objective to be the best interests of my S's, but I fail to understand where this loyalty to M, to it's sacredness, has any relevance now that the proverbial horse is out of the barn. It's too late to worry about the chickens in the hen house when the foxes are lying around fat and sated. The point of teaching my children civility and the respect for M and family has been made mute by the destruction of the family we once shared together, by xW's relentless drive to tear us all apart.

Let me tell you, in case you haven't heard, what happens to the ex-husbands that go along quietly with the waywards in xW's family. I know/knew three of them personally, xMIL's former husbands. They become black-listed. Persona non grata. Nameless ones. Their WAW's demand that these LBS' be totally shunned and forgotten. Even their own children are coerced into shunning these former family members. Some struggle to maintain ties with the family members, but in the end they give up, totally demoralized.

I still remember how creeped-out I felt when everyone turned their back on xMIL's husband #2, a nice guy abandoned for the one who would be H #3. And if anyone were to defy the blacklist, they too would find themselves ostracized. I was so ashamed but xW begged us to go along. I know it sounds too monstrous to be true, but it is.

THAT is what I am facing. THAT is what I am fighting against.

Maybe I am my own worst enemy. Perhaps my efforts harm the very cause for which I stand. But I will not go down without a fight. Unlike the others, I will not go down quietly.

But if I can reign in my anger and my fears perhaps I can manage to stand firm with a minimum of impact to my S's. I don't know. I must try my best.

[ClingingToHope]

But if I can reign in my anger and my fears perhaps I can manage to stand firm with a minimum of impact to my S's.

That's the thing, all we are reading is anger, lots and lots of anger. I hope you are saving it for the board and not for your sons. You don't want them growing up with the memories that dad was always sad/angry.

I remember early on in my sitch I took the girls to the movies. A cousin came along so D11 could watch a different movie than D7.

D11 told my cousin she felt bad because W was always happy and I was always sad.

I resolved right then that that isn't how my girls are going to remember me when they think about this. They are going to remember me as upbeat, strong and never tearing their mom down. Yes, I tell them this isn't my choice, but I don't tear her down -- or at least I've tried not to.

And I know your sitch is WAAAAAYYYYY worse than mine. I can't imagine the pain.