It's hard to not DO something on behalf of the marriage. We all struggle early on with feeling like we should be doing something - all of us.
Conversations with your wife about kids and business type things - financials, etc - are not something you need to avoid. In general I think you want to avoid sounding like you're just being a jerk, so it's important that you try to stay who you are with the understanding that you're not interested in a casual conversation about the weather or a ball game with someone who wants a relationship with someone else.
Working on yourself, finding new things to energize you, working on areas of weakness...these things serve to make you feel better about yourself. They give you confidence and an inner strength that becomes your fuel to work through each day, even with this mess going on in the background.
Don't punish yourself. Be honest with yourself. Sometimes you do have to "fake it till you make it" with things like GAL, but I am inclined to think that if you're not having any fun, if it's not doing anything positive for you, you haven't found the right GAL activities yet.
This isn't a recipe. It's not like putting the right action pieces together is necessary for a successful outcome. Everyone's situation is slightly different, and every person is definitely different. Stick to the big overriding principles, but allow yourself to find your own way a bit too.
Find a happy life painter. Right now it has to be without your wife, but if you can't be happy without your wife, what chance do you ever have of being happy WITH your wife?
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Bworl Thank you. As you obviously appreciate, it's sometimes difficult to believe thst "doing nothing" is the best thing to do. Just phoned kids, W answered & engaged in conversation, although it was because she wanted me to review a CV for a friend. Rest was all functional & about handover for boys who I will have for the next 4 nights. It's tough for them too as it's early days & the "holiday effect" has still not worn off with W new house. Time with boys is good & precious but also allows me to re-establish myself within thier circle of friends parents who sadly I have neglected doing for too long. This in itself makes me stronger as I know I have the moral high ground over the separation and will ultimately been seen for the person that I am. I am gradually finding my feet again as a "single" but still find it hard to concentrate at work - not fully detached but you & others on this site are helping enormously. Please keep up the good work. PS. W just called about a activities for the kids in 2 weeks time - 5 mins after we had just spoken. Functional conversation but nothing that was essential - just adds to my confusion!
I'm working hard with the boys but it is early days and I am worried about how this is affecting them. The "novelty" of the sitaution has already worn off and although they are trying very hard not to show it their sadness is obvious. Last night, they feigned illness to avoid a sports club & W ended up droppping them at home. (handover was to be at the gym). She called to ask if she should take them to her place but I told her just to wait as S12 was at home and I could be there in 30 minutes. She stayed with them and when I arrived I was civil but kept things business like. However, it became very emotional as she left & she saw the impact it was having on the boys who were both unhappy. As she was going, I told her that while I understand she has decided to take a differnt path, her actions were not acceptable & there was a real risk of hurting the boys both now & in the future. She said they had not slept well for the last 2 nights and at this point, W became very downcast and left, saying "call me if you need me" (I won't becuase I am determined to show all that I can cope!). I think she may have been crying as she drove away. Next 4 days are busy with various activities so should be fun for boys but I am concerned that in the quieter moments that the boys are suffering in silence. Was thinking about going for a meal on Sunday and inviting W. to use as the handover - will keep it upgbeat for kids but still functional - any advice?
Boys have been with me for the last 4 nights. Yesterday was handover day and the their mood was very "flat" all day. Did all of the normal sports things but towards the end both boys feigned injury / illness to cut these short. S12 said he would rather spend more time as a family then practising sports. We talked and I told him he needs to have these discussions with W as well. The boys also decided that we should invite W to meal, which eventually became the handover.
This turned out to be a mixed experience for me as I found it hard to remain detached but still sit together as a family remembering how it used to be. On the positive side, the neutral venue probably helped boys emotionally (sadly though it also probably made it easier for W!). S12 told W his opinion on sports & we agreed to drop some of the activities. S9 was also starting to want to talk but still finds it difficult as he doesn't want to upset W. Told W that she needed to speak to them about their feelings, I think S12 is now ready to tell her how he really feels. We also discussed "ground rules" for behaviour, allowance, bed times etc for stays at both houses which was all amicable. I am having trouble with appearing detached in her presence without seeming "distant" by not reciprocating kisses on cheek goodbye etc.
Seems as though W is occupying her time keeping busy with new house, going out with friends but nothing to suggest ongoing activity with OM. Also, heard nothing from OMW so suspect that she has found nothing to challenge OM with so far this week. I'm worried about boys as they may be being "whitewashed" with superficial acts of love & kindness while at W's house which is stifling their communication with her about their real feelings. Breathing deeply, counting to fifty, biding my time & praying hard for guidance. all other help also valued !!
OK, so now I have a dilemma. We have a family holiday booked in 4 weeks time with some good friends & their family which was booked before this all started. Boys were really looking forward to going but are now not comfortable with the possibilty of W not going. She has told FIL that she will not be going as friends have said they do not want her to go - this is not true. I see this as a no-win situation for me as if W does not go boys will be upset, If W does go boys may be given hope that there is a possibilty of reconcilliation which could set them back in terms of getting used to the current situation. Additionally it would be like rewarding W for bad behaviour, however if she decides not to go boys need to be told that it is W decison and she has not been forced into this situation. Accomodation has plenty of space so no issue there and we could easily coexist for the 2 weeks (after all we survived for 3 months before she moved out!). I feel as if W. should be told that she can go if she wishes and throw the ball into her court - comments please
This topic would fall under the "business" heading which makes it an ok topic to broach with her.
Have you asked her directly if she will be going or not?
If she says yes, then you make plans to conduct the trip giving everyone the space they will need.
If she says no, then it's only right that the boys be told that SHE has decided not to go. And your job is to affirm to them that you can still go on the trip and have a great time.
Simple.
Direct.
No need to make more of it than it is.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Bworl Thanks for the advice - seems on the money as far as I am concerned!! Been out for the last 2 nights GAL - boys tonight & next 2 days. Keeping contact business like. Having some good & bad spells but keeping to the programme! Latest development, OMW has confronted OM, showed him letter I had sent, he denied anything going on, but he was busted with her taking photos of his car outside of W house. He denied all at first, then claimed "good friends" after being showed evidence - OMW gave him ultimatum, stop all contact with W or go. He said he wanted to stay & try to fix marriage!! What tangled webs are woven by these people!! Heard nothing from W. More deep breathing, counting & staying calm called for - all advice welcome!
Dropped off boys at W house last night, she invited me in on the pretext that boys wanted me to see their rooms so I obliged - what a dump!! A friend was also there so I declined the offer of a drink and left just saying that we needed to talk asap. Today she sends me a text thanking me for taking boys to get Mothers day gifts. Called boys this evening, W was on cellphone, asked S12 to pass on message that I needed to know details of parents evening appointment next week. W called back 30 mins later, & thanked me again for taking boys for gifts, quickly changed topic & told her I wanted to talk to her without boys - arranged to meet Tues. Will ask for a decision on holiday, insist upon honesty for reasons to boys for all things. Have also learned that OM has told W that he is feelling annoyed and paranoid that he is being followed - How sad for him...... stil in contact with OMW, all quiet on that front & OM seems to be behaving as if he wants to stay married. When do the lies stop!
Spoke to W tonight, She has told kids that she will not be going on holiday as it would not be fair on them as is not likley that we will get back together.
She then gave me an ear bashing over writing letter to OMW, passing information, accussed me of spying etc. W knew a lot of detail about stuff said between me & OMW presuably passed on by OM. W seemed taken aback by comment that OM had told wife he wanted to work on their marriage. Tone at start of conversation was quite aggressive but by the end was much more subdued. All the way through, I remained calm, detached but also reinforced that I still cared & stood by the things I had laid down in terms when W left and of what I intended to do about looking after boys, what I was prepared to do to help W if she wanted IC etc. Kept it away from discussions about our R. By the end of the discussion, I could have sworn that she almost had warmed to me BUT she got nothing back in return.
I believe the "doing" phase is closeing out. Continue to work on you, focus on the kids. I know it tears you apart inside to see the kids hurting from this, be supportive and take care of you as well. The contact with OMW is a good thing and I believe you have done all you need to on that front. Patience and perserverance is all that remains for you to "do".
You need to spend time with friends or family also make sure you do so. If the kids want to go on the trip and you feel up to it go without the "mom". You can still have fun and it might be a good thing. Give it time, time has a way of working everything out and in time I am sure it will work out for the best. You seem to be compassionate, understanding, and diligent, it is good to journal here and seek advice but as others have noted every situation has a different spin. As long as you are not pursueing or condeming their actions and taking care of yourself and the kids then you are "doing" the right thing.
Hang in there and try to stay positive, it isn't fun sometimes, but you get a chance to learn alot about yourself and your inner strength these in these times. Think of all you have "done" in a short time. Pretty impressive by my standards, and I have high standards.
Peace and prosperity brother!
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
