You guys are all probably right. I'll just ride out the storm and let him make all his stupid decisions. Maybe he'll figure it out along the way or maybe he'll just be selfish forever... What a depressing thought - he used to have his act together.
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
Ex dropped off S5, and I lost it. I went off on him for being a bad father, for spending more time with his phone than his son, etc. He said he stands firm on abortion. I asked him to spend more time thinking about it.
Here's some mistakes: - Lost my temper. Duh, that was a huge one. - Cried. - Asked who he was involved with. (Got major denial on this one) - Begged him to reconsider his decision. - Asked for help during pregnancy. - Told him what he's doing "wrong" in his R with S5.
All speculation, but I think I know ExCautious enough that this is pretty close to the truth: He's going on that date tonight. He may or may not feel some guilt about it, but mostly he feels like he's "pulling one over" on me. Eventually that's going to become a difficult R to maintain, especially since his best friend and his father now know that I am P. At this point, I just have to ride it out, try to keep my PMA up, and see how and when he'll be willing to assist me, if at all.
The weird part is, he made me consider the A as a viable choice. But he has to realize that would cost him $200 - $250 for half as well as I would be out of commission for a month for recovery (can't even lift over 12lbs for two weeks). I'm definitely not going to keep silver plattering. I'm going to make this as difficult for him as he's making it for me, just subtly.
Maybe I'm being a bit too harsh, though. For now, back to NC until he comes to me.
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
I forgot to say that my mood today is mostly that he doesn't deserve me. Doing a bit of waffling, I suppose.
Big fat BINGO! My alarm bells are going off. He DOES NOT deserve you! Now let that fact simmer in your mind. Sorry for getting emotional here but I am starting to take a personal interest in your sitch. Let me know if I am out of line.
This may or may not be some tough love from me but I have to say it.
Yes you screwed up but I will say this. IF HE does continue to go on that date despite what you just told him then there is something seriouly wrong with the man. Honestly.
I hate to say it but I think you need to sit down and re-evaluate why you want him back in the first place.
If he really has that little respect for you and your children (born and unborn) then I would tell you to start detaching to the point where he no longer matters because it sounds like your XH is like my XW. They just do not care and are blindsided by their own selfishness.
I think you need to start thinking about your own well being and that of your children in the long run. Start thinking of him as only your XH because that is exactly what he is.
Do what I do. Hold on to a little hope but do not live for it. Go on with life and consider the fact that he may never come back. I honestly think that this type of detachment would be the healthiest thing for you and your children.
I know your hurting and I wish I were there to give you a real hug instead of a virtual one. Please take your time to consider what I just posted.
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
Cautious, I think you need to consider whether you would want your X to reconcile with you because of your pregnancy. It seems like that's what you're asking him to do...but is that right for you and your S and your unborn child? If your H felt emotionally blackmailed into reconciling with you...realistically would he have the motivation to do the necessary work?
I can understand that your emotions must be all over the place with dealing with the D and the pregnancy and all the hopes and fears that that brings with it. But I think you need to deal with your emotions so that they are not continually exploding with your H. From your posts it sounds like you are trying to control your reactions...but I think you need to be more proactive and process all the pain and anger that is present for you.
hugs to you. These are very difficult things.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Today I evaluated some of my "more of the same" behavior and I've pretty much enabled him and bailed him out any time he had issues. That is going to stop.
As for your concerns above... THANK YOU. But it's like someone mentioned a long time ago: Sometimes I see glimpses of the person he USED to be, the person I fell in love with. At this point, he is someone I don't know and don't want to be with. Will he change "back" or will he continue on this selfish road? I don't know, but I'm not going to put money in his hand every time he holds it out any more.
I need some time to think about the other (P) angle of my sitch, though, so forgive me if I'm not around as much.
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
For a while there I saw small/tiny/miniture glimpses of the person my W used to be too. It is crazy how they change into a completely different selfish person.
It seems like a WAS can never completely change back. From what I have read here the WAH are more likely to come back, but the WAS is out there having different experiences during their WA that will change them permanently in some ways. It sounds like you are not even the same person since all of this began for y'all.
Did you tell his F about the P or did he? Telling his BF may not have been a good idea but IMO telling his parents is. He needs to accept his portion of the responsibilty for the P and hopefully his parents would hold him accountable (if he won't hold himself accountable).
P.S. It is good that you have recognized you were enabling him and you are going to stop. That sounds like a healthy step in detaching for you.
Last edited by Quart9; 03/16/1012:59 AM.
Me-32 W-29 No kids ILYBNILWY 11.20.09 Separated 01.10.10 Discovered EA 01.13.10 W admitted to PA 02.21.10 I filed for D 03.09.10
Please don't judge me, but I decided to go ahead with the A. After much thought, I decided either way would be difficult, but that I would need to get support for unborn and he would resent unborn because of it in the long run. It would be a toxic environment for this child, and if you're anti A, I'd really appriciate not hearing your opinions right now (though I understand if you're mentally keying my car right now). I feel terrible about it as it is, please don't make me hate myself more.
It's true, Quart, that I am not the same person as I was before I started all of this, but I feel like all the changes I have made are positive ones.
As for who told his dad... Well, I have to own up to that. I did discuss my reasons why with him (ExCautious constantly hides things/lies about things with his family and I enabled that behavior - though I tried to be sneaky and let them know certain things behind ExCautious's back, such as the foreclosure). I told him he should own up to his actions, but I couldn't force him. He admitted that he lied to BF and his father both, telling them that I am psychotic because of recent illness in my family. I said "Great, make me out to be a psychopath." He denied, I let it drop. No use defending myself. I'll tell his BF and dad the truth if asked. Otherwise, at least I made my feelings about his lying clear. He paves his own road from here.
Going dark. I love him still, because when he tried to ambush me today ("Hey Cautious, I'm on my way over"), instead of telling him no, I told him I would be home in 15 mins and rushed to get my errand done in time. I have to stop that.
So pretty much I'm going to re-execute the plan... with a few twists here and there. I'm going to wait until he calls me to invite me out (more than likely under the guise of a family outing) and refuse the first invitation. I know some people think I'm weak or what I'm doing isn't worth it, but this is the decision I've made. I have a life of my own and don't really care if this works or not, but it would be nice if it did and I had Mr. Cautious back, instead of whoever ExCautious is now.
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
Dont feel bad. We all slip up. I also slipped this weekend.
XW called me after almost a month of darkness and like a love sick puppy I went over there and fixed a bunch of crap for her.
And it was all stuff that I probably should have left for my Son to do (he is her landlord). But at least she called first and gave me dinner. (again with the doggie bisquits). Next time I will refuse the scooby snack and see what that does.
Again though Cautious, DETACH detach detach. Yes anything can happen but just prepare for the worst by getting yourself ready for it emotionally and mentally. Put it on your bathroom mirror like I did so that every morning it gives you a reality check before you go to work or play.
You never know Cautious, there could be a prince of a man out there that was made for you that you have not met yet. Have faith.
Hang in there girl. You can do it!
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
