An email seems the best medium for this. And you just have to be the one taking charge. Discussions with him are just going to leave you feeling sad or not ending well.
Speaking of Iowa... the lady I just had coffee with got married and gave birth to her 2 kids in Iowa.
Assuming he communicates decently via email, start there... And, if he doesn't, at least he has an idea of what you're thinking, and can be ready for the conversation, etc...
He has a really bad case of "putting sh&t off"!!! God! I, like you, live and breathe by lists and spreadsheets! He'd make me insane!!! And, how do you plan your life when you don't know if you'll have the kids, etc...
I feel for ya.
Start w/an email.
HUGS FRIEND
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I let myself slip again and believe that we were 'friendy'...
Time to realize that WE are not friendy.....gotta remember that I need to take care of business and treat it as a business.
He was gone for almost a week, when he did call the house he was all chatty and friendly, it was this weird vibe where it felt like things were 'okay' in terms of having a friendy partnership for the kids.
But one conversation with him knocked me back into reality!
So I think email is the way to go. The problem with email is he is highly likely to avoid/ignore/blow off emails. So I will just have to have plan B in place for what I will do if he does not respond.
Jeff, I think I will go ahead and get clothes together for the kids to leave over at his house.
Really... Last I knew we agreed the children would NOT have a game system in the house until they were teenagers with jobs and bought one themselves!
The kids go in the next room and Dan starts, "MOM got them the Wii, I didn't"
Nathan comes back in, "I thought you and daddy said we couldn't have a Wii at our house?"
Dan, "You are right Nathan, we did, and you can't play it until you learn to tie your shoes..."
Kids ran out to get jammies so I took the moment...
I looked at Dan and said, "Your mom bought it, that's fine, it isn't my business. But you are 36 so if you allow it in your house, that is you, not your mom" ....He acknowledged.
Then Nathan came in and said their trundle bed was almost put together. I asked Dan if he wanted Nathan's Star Wars comforter and I would put the Mickey Mouse one back on. Nathan says, "Grandma is getting me a new Star Wars comforter"
Dan shooed him away to get his pajamas...
He looks at me. I just said, "Do what you want it is your house, not mine. I have just heard your mom tell me one too many times that she is broke and yet she is always shopping."
Dan says, "Yes, Sister and I just sat her down last weekend and talked to her about that..."
Me: You guys will have to deal with it if they go into ridiculous debt.
Dan: I know I am worried about that.
I said, "Well, you are a grown up now and you do not have to accept her gifts..."
Dan: I know I just don't want to argue with her...
Me: Ok then you know what you are getting into! (Said with a big old smile)
Actually it was not an argument, it was a calm conversation and I was smiling through most of it, because I am so glad it is not my problem anymore! I am glad I said my piece and now I will let it go...
Sounds like Grandma will be running the show at Dan's house.
Good news?? I don't have to deal with it any more so I can be amused by it... MIL is probably thrilled now bc she gets to set up his household without my interference!
LOL...mine was in Germany so I never had to deal with her....
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I, too, am very happy not to have to deal with me exMIL. She lives across the country and visits twice a year, during which we go out for a cup of coffee and it's enjoyable. Aahh.
As for the kid exchange, this is something you are going to have to figure out for your own sanity. We've got a pretty simple set-up. Sometimes we drop-off/pick-up at the house, but most of the time it's done by who picks them up from after school child care. When each of us has them for the day, it's until school the next morning. So when he has them for the weekend, it's through the morning and I pick them up from after school care after work on Monday. That's the norm. There are exceptions, but 95% of the time that works for us. During the summer it's the same thing.
They have clothes and things at both houses and they go back and forth without bringing a bag other than their school backpack. One thing that is written in our marital settlement agreement is that their belongings are their belongings, so that if Dad buys them XYZ he can't say that it's just for use at his house. The kids control their things, especially nice since they can't control much else in their lives!
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
Sent a brief message at lunchtime. Just told him I would be sending a suitcase full of clothes with the kids on Wednesday so they wouldn't have to take things back/forth. Also said I had a msg. out to the allergy doc re. getting a second set of Nathan's allergy meds so we didn't have to pass those back and forth. Very matter of fact, polite, and drama-free.
He replied almost immediately:
Can we talk later tonight
I will come over after you put them in bed so they will not be disturbed
I too do not want this to be confrontational and want what is best for them (or at least as best as possible all things considered)
I have not replied yet...not sure what he wants...
Last I knew we agreed the children would NOT have a game system in the house until they were teenagers with jobs and bought one themselves!
