Hi there, CB. I think I'm improving me for me, but in areas that I think she would be happier. I don't mind a few dirty dishes, but she does. I'm trying to help out there because I've always loved helping others. I'm chosing these items now because they matter to her. Does that make sense?
Thanks for your summary about how you see GAL can help out~
I'm trying to remember if you said you tried Retrouv. Did you and your W ever get to a point where the OM was gone and you could try this?
Maynard: Thanks for the encouragement~
Last edited by Onthemountaintop; 03/11/1002:42 AM.
So far, so good. She's said the weekend didn't increase her hope, but solidified it to help her move forward. I pray that God gives me the strength to make it worth her effort and risk. Now that I've feeling something groovy, I am much more worried about hurting her if I can't make it work.
I'm trying to remember if you said you tried Retrouv. Did you and your W ever get to a point where the OM was gone and you could try this?
Maynard: Thanks for the encouragement~
No we did not get to this point. I have lost the respect. So we will not be getting to this point.
But that means down the road I will get to Retrouv with a new partner. And it means we will be going there to strengthen the bond that has already been established. And we will return over and over to continue to work on the communication skills. For they can always be improved.
Just remember that doing stuff for her all the time is great. But sometimes you need to do some stuff for yourself. And sometimes she needs to do some stuff for you.
GIVER vs TAKER.
Seek balance here.
I hope your physical attraction comes back. Has it been there before?
If it does not. Thats not good.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I am happy to hear you are doing well. Thanks for the insight.
I think my W is living your POV.
But we are fully dialoguing each day, now to question 4. Some serious, some not as much.
We are fully committed to the process. We love to workout, run, bike, swim, etc and we are feeling this is simply a workout also that must be completed each day.
At the appropriate time during the weekend, and you probably know when that was, I brought up the EA. It just came naturally, she was in fact expecting it, we dialogued well. I believed her answer on the issue.
Later Saturday again at the appropriate time in the program we both asked for forgiveness for what we had each done. It could really not have gone better.
Yesterday we went out to eat for a nice dinner as a family, she told me she loved me and we had a wonderful night together in many respects.
I know this is day to day and there will be ups and downs but many more ups than I had ever expected to see again.
Keep up the work on your end and to a certain degree the daily process might give you both some insight into what the other is feeling. In other words that much dialoguing can't but help the communication issue.
Maybe the word red to her really means purple, etc, etc
TBL now equals "Toward Better Love" M-44 W-42; 2 kids; married 11 years 1st bomb 10-08, reconcile 12-08 2nd bomb 8-09, moving toward reconcile 3-7-10
Wow! TBL, the marriage you describe today is so different from the one you described last week! You are really doing well. i don't think I was feeling that confident in such a short time! I remember my confidence building over the 6 weeks that we did Post sessions. You are right, the dialoguing is exercise for the relationship. I am really so pleased that both you and Mountaintop are doing so well!
At the appropriate time during the weekend, and you probably know when that was, I brought up the EA. It just came naturally, she was in fact expecting it, we dialogued well. I believed her answer on the issue.
Amazing! I'm finding that wanting to forgive the emotions is easier when you are connected.
So, ILY came out of dinner, eh? Maybe we should be planning dinners each week to see what else we can get for our R with our spouses~
For me, I stopped at Cheesecake Cafe on the way home Sunday and found it added a sense of real to the weekend. It also took me off the health kick I gave myself for a day, but a M is worth it!
Today is the first day I've had problems doing the question - major work thing that's overdue because of the time I've invested in M stuff. I'm going to try doing it over the phone, but I don't feel great about the lost chance to sit next to my W~
I knew it would be a rollercoaster. W & I had been talking about attraction related issues. Turns out that she doesn't think an emotional attraction, along with an intense desire to be "with" her is enough. She wants me to be physically attracted to her. I'm not. Never (ever) have been.
So. Tonight I called (at work late). She said that she wants a separation. I'm more sure I'm feeling love, cause I feel like sh.. But, she despite how deep and full the R has suddenly become, I've hit this wall. Maybe I said something? I don't know.
Not giving in - I said nothing, but just hung up. I'm not willing to discuss this idea. I'm preparing for the POST session on Saturday. I haven't come this far to throw in the towel~
It's not a paved road. Go to Post, you can ask the leaders to speak to you privately. They are wonderful. They will talk to her about sticking with the program. You've barely begun the process. Things do take time. . And I got to say, I still don't buy that you were never attracted to her, but you have 4 kids. Something was giving the little man that get up and go!
You know, I don't know why you tell her that anyway. What can you possibly get out of telling your wife that you don't find her attractive? Can't you find a truth that you can say that isn't so hurtful? You know how you are supposed to say something nice to start off each letter? This is like that. You need to say something nice.
Attracted from time to time, yes - but not physically. Not unattracted either...neutral. You might say I have high enough desire for that kind of intamacy that my inattention & mental hyperactivity can get my mind where it needs to be. In a way, this is part her issue - that I was with her without being "with" her enough. If I thought there was something like RV out there, I would've tried that year one!
She hasn't been able to get my main point. If I could be that close to her for 11 years without love, imagine what could love do to our R in the next year!
She figures that if I'm not attracted in the active sense to her, then having another imagined image in my head is like a mental affair. I tried reminding her that I'm not expecting her to be my "dream" woman, and that most men see faults in their wives appearance but the love wipes out the fault. Just developing love now in our R, don't I deserve some time to develop my physical attraction?
I've tried to tell her that if I want to be with her, why does it matter the reason? I will not and never have gotten even one step toward any other physical woman's body - I figured that was enough.
Now that I finally feel romantic love for the first time in my life, I am getting more attracted, but I guess not fast enough. For once in my M, I my heart races to sit & touch on the sofa, and she wants none of it because I don't think her chest is my "dream".
I knew there was a fall from the top of the rollercoaster, but I AM going to go back up. I hope she's going to go back up with me.
Last edited by Onthemountaintop; 03/12/1007:28 AM.
