My Story...grass is greener (pt 3)

[nsw1222]

For all you know the OM has already told him mom and filled her in on the night you stormed over there.

I thought about that...at least about him filling her in on who he's seeing. And I also thought about whether she knows or not, if she's like a lot of the amoral people in this town, she still might not care that he's seeing someone so much younger or that his actions affected a family.

I only considered it because I'm still pissed off that my ex will have no consequences to face for her actions...or any consequences will pale in comparison to what I've had to endure...it doesnt really have anything to do with my ex wanting me back. As I said I was hoping that by telling his mother and anyone else who might not know about the relationship...it would kill a lot of the excitement my ex (and him maybe) seems to be getting out of it by sneaking around like a giddy teenager in love.

I'm not a big fan of "the best revenge is living well"...I think if someone wrongs you there should be consequences. Maybe its just me but getting your bills paid and having a care-free life with a whirlwind romance to boot after breaking up your family doesnt seem to be consequences...more like rewards.

No consequences for my ex also sets a bad example for D3. As I paraphrased elsewhere, parental infidelity significantly affects a child’s outlook on life: they learn that telling lies is right if it spares punishment, deceit is acceptable if it spares the faithful person pain, self-gratification is more important than hurting loved ones, and insensitivity to others hurt is ok. Once the unfaithful spouse abandons home and family for the newfound love, they prove by example that selfishness is right.

And its not right. It's no different than letting a murderer or a rapist go free.

[MrBond]

What you're talking about isn't consequences...it's revenge plain and simple.

You can't even compare a mother with a betrayed spouse. For one thing, the mother will always stick by her child. Second, she has nothing to do with her son's R.

You're totally acting like more of a child than your D. You were hurt and betrayed. GET OVER IT.

We all were. If you spent half the effort getting help for yourself and your D that you've been spending on revenge fantasies against your W, you would've been in a lot happier place.

[MrBond]

You know what? Never mind what I said. I think you're going to keep on scheming until you actually go ahead and do something rash.

So go ahead and talk to the mother, then call the IRS anonymously about your W's under the table payments. Then strap a tape recorder under your clothes and record the next interaction where she starts swearing about people.

You don't plan to listen to anyone anyway. Personally I'd like to see how it turns out.

[jasper67]

nws

Listen- you are effing up just like I did...you cannot actr out of emotion- thats what WAS is doing...I have gambled away a shirt ton of money to feel better and it didn't work...I have one one occassion said some truthful but hurtful things to W and that didn't help, I have approached MIL about the A's and that didnt help...

The point is you and I have stood in our own way...time to get out of the way and just be...be the best dad you can be...know that WAS is doing what she's doing- regardless of whether you want her too or not, and especially b/c you dont want her to!!!

If W knew about my gambling this way the last few months- she'd feel even more justified in my not being a sound husband- and I would have no way to argue otherwise.

You're in the same boat- to the WAS WE are the problem, get rid of the problem and MAYBE she'll think of you differently.

I feel SO much better not communicating w/ W- am I happy she's bangin another guy- NO WAY- He better hope I NEVER MEET HIM- I have had dreams of tearing him apart.

It's not a matter of the best reveng being a good life- its not about revenge...it's about looking at our part in things and f*&king growing UP- being better, stronger, more understanding, compassionate, responsible, ATTENTIVE...that's it!

Get out of your own way, be a GREAT dad, and forget your W---then see what happens, I guarantee you that you'll be in a better place.

[nsw1222]

For one thing, the mother will always stick by her child. Second, she has nothing to do with her son's R.

the second thing you're certainly right about. However, not all parents stick by their kids when they sincerely feel their kid is doing something wrong.

Case in point is my ex's mom. This whole thing has brought her and I closer and her and my ex further apart because when my ex first left, rather than be like my ex's father and say "ok EX whatever you want", she told her she was doing the wrong thing and that she was a terrible mother for doing this to D3.

This is why my ex did not go to live with her mother over her father...because her mother puts her foot down and tells it like it is, while her father lets her get away with whatever she wants so long as she enables him and does for him. And that is not just my observation, that came from my ex's mother.

So, to much relief, not everyone blindly follows the "blood is thicker than water" philosophy.


Now, that having been said...I'm going to go by the 24-48 hour rule thats been passed around here...and see if I still feel the same way about this in two days. I mean...if I did call her, and then realize it was wrong, I cant un-call her...and the the consequences for me could be severe, or not.

In addition to asking about it here, I called my mom and asked her advice. She brought up the question of what if this woman is sick or so frail that something like this could give her a heart attack. While I think thats a little extreme to think that...I guess its possible. She's in her late 60's at the very least. Of course if that did happen, while it would directly be my fault, indirectly I wouldnt even know of the woman or her son if it wasnt for my ex. Not that that makes it right....

[knittedscarff]

[
I'm not a big fan of "the best revenge is living well"...I think if someone wrongs you there should be consequences.

There are consequences to what your ex is doing.

But you're not the person who's going to dish them out.

Got it?

Also, the fact that you're comparing the breakup of your relationship to rape or murder is INSANE.

Not at all, at least, that those two crimes broke the law. You don't have any legal connections to your ex, the woman you did not make your LEGAL wife.

Judy Judy wouldn't even let you on her show.

[nsw1222]

I have one one occassion said some truthful but hurtful things to W and that didn't help,

yeah I did that...only gave her more excuses to not get back together with me...as in "after you called me 'this' and said I cheated on you and did 'that' and 'blah blah blah' you think I can just forget everything and have everything be fine and dandy and go back to the way it was?'".

I feel SO much better not communicating w/ W- am I happy she's bangin another guy- NO WAY- He better hope I NEVER MEET HIM- I have had dreams of tearing him apart.

yeah...this is what worries me. I still have never seen him...and on here or over the phone can say I wouldnt want to fight him and such...but depending on how my ex's L builds a case for the custody suit...he may be there to testify. So I'm not sure if I will be able to contain myself when I actually do see him, knowing that he's done stuff with my ex.

I know in my head that if I were to lose control and attack him...in a place like that woith witnesses and such...my ex will get full or even sole custody right on the spot. But such reactions arent governed by logic...they're much more primitive/primal in nature...the fight or flight response. So as I said...I'm worried.

However...I know where he lives...and so if I really wanted to do anything to him I could go over at any time to do so. I know it would be wrong...and so I choose not to do so. So maybe I would be able to contain myself. who knows.

[MrBond]

"But such reactions arent governed by logic...they're much more primitive/primal in nature...the fight or flight response."

You know it actually sounds like you're building an insanity excuse for yourself. You're not a frickin' caveman or an animal. You have control over what you do or don't do.

knittedscarf is right. Are you seriously comparing your W's cheating to a rapist or a murderer? You got dumped. Get over it.

Stop pretending that it's all for morality's sake you're doing this. It's not like she's Saddam Hussein. She's a woman who didn't want to be with you any more and if you were like this when you were with her, it's not hard to see why she might have wanted out.

Bring up what you plan to do to your IC and see what he says.

[nsw1222]

There are consequences to what your ex is doing.

But you're not the person who's going to dish them out.

Got it?

I'm fine with not dishing them out...I just wanna know there are some....that life isnt so crappy that the balance between right and wrong, fair and unfair, can be so off.

Not at all, at least, that those two crimes broke the law. You don't have any legal connections to your ex, the woman you did not make your LEGAL wife.

yeah my mom said the same thing. I told her that a piece of paper and a church ceremony doesnt make what she did any less wrong. this is akin to one of those "technicalities" I referred to a few pages back.

and...at one time, and even now in some states, what she and OM did/are doing broke the law. google "heartbalm statutes"...things like "breach of promise" and "alienation of affection".

By the way...for those few folks here lucky enough to live in a state where those laws are still on the books (not mine...of course), if nothing else, I say get a L to pursue those avenues to help soothe your emotional wounds. In those states, you can sue your WAS and the OP. It wont bring your WAS back...but it might help you start a better life without them.

[MrBond]

What the heck are you doing dispensing advice like that? It's one thing to have your own warped sense of retribution, but you shouldn't be telling others to do the same.

In the end what does is it doing your D any good? It's only to satisfy your own thirst for revenge. Like I said, go ahead and do it. Don't just talk about it. See where that gets you. And you honestly was looking at full custody of your D? Right now your W sounds like the sane one.

I think the thing is you have to realize you have a problem with you. Do you have any friends to vent to? You really do need someone and I'm not talking about another W.