I think I'd rather be dead than this- WAW

[MrBond]

Not true. You change her attitude by changing you. You don't pay attention to her. You don't give her the satisfaction. You stand strong when she expects you to be weak. That will change the dynamic.

There's a power struggle now with her holding all the cards. What have you done for yourself to get you right? How have you grown?

[Quart9]

I don't understand the power struggle? I have done my best not to pay attention to her and will continue to do so. She makes it easy because she has not been in contact with me for a while now. Everything I am getting from her says she is done, she has detached from me, and she herself has moved on and considers our marriage over. She is just making no effort to get the D.

To grow I have been trying to fix my two biggest issues: low self confidence and codependency.

The things that I have done to get right:
-I've been going to an IC to work through my issues and my feelings about the end of our marriage
-I've been creating a better relationship with God. I've gone back to church, I've been reading the Bible, and started praying regularly
-I've done my best to GAL when I have time. I've reunited with some of my old friends and made several new friends
-I've become more active at school by talking and interacting more with people there and seeking out help from upperclassmen
-I've started a self help program on toolstolife.com and I'm learning and doing exercises from there to boost my confidence and morale
-I've been lifting weights and eating healthier
-I've been talking with my family more (I have kinda neglected for the past few years)

I am tired of limbo land Mr Bond. When we were exchanging texts yesterday I never indicated I wanted to reconcile or get back together with her. I made it very clear to her that I did not sign up to be in an open marriage. The things that I am working on I'm doing for me. If she is not around and we are not communicating then she won't see the changes I making so it seems our dynamic won't really change.

[Quart9]

I love this board. Its a great place to come to learn, discuss, and rant about your sitch and that really helps in the healing process.

I saw my IC last night and I think she is helping me more than I thought. I rehashed the experience with her that I had with W the night I confronted her about OM. I explained how emotionless and cold my W was for the majority of the time during that experience and my IC pointed out that that was an indication that W had already detached from me at that point.

So I began to think back and I could see several other instances before we seperated and before W went on that cruise where she acted indifferent and emotionless (when she should have acted way opposite). But my complacency at that point really didn't allow me to fully acknowledge her acting that way. Its become more clear to me that, like Michele says, the WAW doesn't just begin the process of WA overnight.

I feel like we all have this marriage altimeter and when we first get married its way up there. During the ebb and flow our marriage altitude changes and unfortunately for some of us we crash and it registers as "done."

I didn't pay attention to my marriage altimeter (and it seems like a lot of people here don't) until it was too late. I think mine had some condensation in it too and (especially recently) I wasn't getting a correct reading.

In the text message convo that I had on Wed with my W I asked her at one point if she had slept with OM in our bed. Why did I ask her that? I don't live there anymore, by now they could have slept with each other everywhere there so what does it matter? She refused to answer of course - she said she, "was not going to discuss any details with me about that. Period." To me that means they probably have. What torcher.

It seems like every morning when I wake up I imagine what it would be like if some miracle happened and my wife and I reconciled. This morning was different though. I thought - if we reconciled I couldn't go back to live in that apartment with her. I couldn't sleep in that same bed with her. I don't even think I could sit on the couch (who knows right?).

The author of that sh!tty Women's Infidelity book says something like, "if you think about it simply its just another penis that came in contact with your wife's vagina." And the dude she is talking to says something like, "yeah when you put it in those terms its not such a big deal." Bullcrap, it is a big deal. When we said "I do" I believe that meant no was else will "do" you or me. Period.

My point to all of this is I guess even though I don't want to I'm beginning to detach from my W. Its a good hurt. That's my rant.

[Gnosis]

The author of that sh!tty Women's Infidelity book says something like, "if you think about it simply its just another penis that came in contact with your wife's vagina."

And don't forget that the author is an admitted adulteress. A selfish, self-indulgent slut who flippantly disregarded her vows.

Keep that in mind. Draw insight from that and decide: If this what W is like, do I want to live like this?

[Quart9]

I guess I missed the part Gnosis about the author of that book being an adultress too. "Selfish, self-indulgent slut who flippantly disregarded her vows" - that's a good way to put it. So in a way then it seems like the author wrote that book in one big attempt to justify what she did and suppress her own guilt?!

Yeah, if that is what my W is like I don't want to live like that. There's someone out there for me that will truly love me and be loyal to me.

[GH31]

The author of that sh!tty Women's Infidelity book says something like, "if you think about it simply its just another penis that came in contact with your wife's vagina."

If you're talking about that Michelle Langley I would agree that she is a shameless, vile skank.

If she catches AIDS and dies of it, that will be a right and just outcome.

I hope any man she's married to doesn't catch it.

I make absolutely no apologies whatsoever for the above statement.

GH31

[MrBond]

I would just take what she writes and learn from it what you can about a woman's perspective.

I'd keep the extreme comments to yourself though. There are alot of former WASs here who have been trying to help us DB after going through their own crises. Comments like that just make them not want to help.

Just food for thought.

[Quart9]

Hey Mr. Bond have you read Women's Infidelity? I'd be interested to know how many women out there truly agree with what it contains.

The WAS's that are here must know that we deeply appreciate any help or insight they are willing to provide. The comments above weren't directed at WAS's in general. Gnosis was commenting about the author of that book. I agree with what he said and I agree with GH31's comment about the author too.

And not all WAS's WA in order to have affairs.

[Quart9]

Last night I had my first experience here in LA of going out and talking to women. It was scary, fun, and a little discouraging. I went out with a couple of buddies from school that are my age and they took me to a couple of hot spots.

My buddies were really encouraging me to talk to chicks. So I did and I was suprised with myself. I didn't get any phone numbers or anything and I didn't really try to. I actually felt a little guilty but it was fun.

It's discouraging because it seems like alot of the women here are really materialistic (even my W became more materialistic after we moved here). And that just annoys me.

The scary part of this is the realization that meeting new women and dating could be a tougher process now that I'm not in my early 20's anymore. Its certainly something I didn't expect to have to do ever again. I'm in no rush of course (I haven't even filed the D papers yet-ha) and I don't plan on starting a relationship with someone anytime soon.

[MrBond]

Yes I have read the book when I was trying to get answers as to why my W had her EA.

Some of it applied to my sitch, some didn't. Just take it for what it's worth and see it as a resource that's it. Of course morally the author was wrong, but that's her deal.

I'd get more pissed at the Ashley Madison website that actually encourages people to get into affairs. That's worse.

For the WASs who comment here, many of them have had A's, and they get really upset when they feel attacked. Understandably so. But like the book, they've offered some great insight as to how the "other side" works and thinks.