Probably not. I guess I'm just having trouble getting over the fact that she's probably gonna be getting away scot-free after what she did to me. It's like someone committing a crime but being set free due to a technicality. In this case the technicality is that if one person wants out of the relationship, its over.
She may or may not have any consequences. That is for her to deal with. It is not up to you to create consequences by being ugly or making her out to be some sort of criminal. People enter in to R's under free will and they do the same when they exit a R. Of course it hurts when one person chooses to exit a R. You are giving your EX no reason to even give you a second glance. In fact, all you are doing is pushing her closer and closer to OM.
And while I still do have feelings for her, at the same time I still am angry with myself for having ever met her. Had it not been for her I could have met someone else who wouldnt bail on me when times were tough...or I could have gone somewhere and found a great high paying job where I was a great success. Instead I'm stuck here, alone, in a poor job market, with a child who's gonna have a lot of issues to deal with growing up because her mom and dad couldnt work things out.
You are angry about things you chose and now cannot change. Why be angry about meeting her and having a R with her? It is such wasted energy as you can't go back and change that. And if you could go back and change that you would not have your daughter. You chose not to pursue a move/high paying job. Yes, that choice was in the name of family but it still was a choice you made. And yes, all divorced kids have issues but don't make them worse (which you are).
I was raised with family values...to do unto others...to treat people, women in particular, with respect, to put your child first above all else...to do things around the house for the person you love instead of being a typical man who drinks beer and watches football on the couch all the time...and what did it get me? I was a nice guy...who stuck it out when times got tough...and I still ended up losing. How is that fair...how is that right?
Hate to break it to you by life is not always fair. I don't consider having a daughter "losing". You may have lost something but you also gained quite a bit. I did everything "right" my whole life and I ended up being diagnosed with an illness with no cure. Is that fair? No. It's not. Sometimes we get cards dealt to us that we simply have to accept and make the best of. Basically it sounds to me since you no longer have your EX you no longer feel you need to put forth the values you say you have. That outlook will do nothing for you, now or ever.
That right there is why I'm acting the way I am now...because everything I came to believe in...that doing the right thing and doing right by people will make you come out on top in the end...got turned upside down when she left.
WE ALL GOT TURNED AROUND WHEN OUR SPOUSES LEFT. If you were anything like this in your R then things are starting to make sense. Doing the "right thing" should not be for a reward. Doing the right thing should simply be the foundation in which you live your life under any circumstance. Sometimes we come out of on top, sometimes we don't but at the end of the day, no mater what the outcome, we should know in our hearts we did in fact do the right thing.
And yeah I am stooping to her level...my parents have brought that up many times when they've begged me to not say anything about the taxes. They dont know anything about the WIC reporting...but I'm sure if I tell them they wont be happy.
You are disappointing your parents as a son and man. That alone should make you stop and take pause. If your own parents are disappointed in how you are behaving perhaps you need to stop and really think about that. You know it is wrong, we tell you it is wrong, your parents tell you it is wrong yet you have no self control to stop. This is exactly where you need to implement the "do the right" thing mentality.
for about 30 minutes today, after more begging to no avail to try and get my ex to be reasonable so that I wouldnt do something that she'd hate me for, I was dead set on reporting my ex for the under the table tax thing. then I was talking to my friend who's divorced and taking her little girl to a museum today with her ex...and I realized that if I did report my ex, not only would she face major fines and hate me, but D3 might as well some day, and there would never be any peaceful/happy moments where my ex and I could do something like taking D3 to a museum together.
So once again you smothered, begged, pursued and when that didn't work you threatened her? And the ONLY thing that made you stop was the idea of a future outing with your ex and daughter? Don't you realize each time you act like this you close the window inch by inch on that EVER happening?
So I told my ex that I had changed my mind, that two wrongs dont make a right, and that if I were to do something that makes her unhappy n gets her in trouble not only would I look like a child but it would set a bad example for D3. I apologized, n I hope thats as far as it goes. However, if she chooses to go to her L about what I said...thinking I meant I was gonna do something illegal (since I didnt actually tell her it was about the tax thing)...and it ends up coming up in court...she and her L may end up reporting herself because if I'm testifying under oath I cant lie about what I know.
So basically you threaten her and when that didn't work you go back to groveling and pursuing. And once again you make it out to be NOT your fault if this matter is brought to light? YOU ARE THE ONE THAT BROUGHT IT TO LIGHT. Of course she is going to tell her attny. You are threatening her. Even if the tax/WIC matter go nowhere it continues to establish a very vindictive pattern of behavior on your part. That is what will bite you in the ass.
[ Probably not. I guess I'm just having trouble getting over the fact that she's probably gonna be getting away scot-free after what she did to me. It's like someone committing a crime but being set free due to a technicality. In this case the technicality is that if one person wants out of the relationship, its over.
You MUST get help immediately. You are WRONG about the way you are thinking about this.
Leaving someone or breaking up with them or whatever it is you think has happened is NOT A CRIME.
You CANNOT control another person to do what you want them to do. Yes, like others have said, it is hurtful and awful when someone cheats on you and leaves you. It's emotionally terrible and when children are involved, it seems like a kick-in-the-gut.
There's no technicality that she "got off" on. There's no law that stops someone from leaving. Thank goodness. If I had to stay married to my stbx-h after I found out that he had an affair, it would be a hundred times worse than it is.
It is not a crime because you do not own her. She hasn't been stolen. For better or worse, YOU picked her to be your daughter's mom. And you are still deciding to make the situation worse for your daughter by throwing these tantrums and ridiculous statements about trying to "bust" your wife for tax or assistance issues. She is not your responsibility.
She is not YOURS. Let me say it again. YOU DO NOT OWN HER.
She hasn't done anything WRONG according to the law. Get help.
It's pretty obvious you weren't. If you were raised with family values, you would have married the mother of your child, and you would have married her before she got pregnant.
You would legally be a family.
Please tell me where this imaginary "family values" wingnut phrase that you're using is coming from?
Oops, the formatting is wrong. but it was the original poster, nsw, who said that he had family values. not city girl.
For the life of me, I can never figure out what people mean by the phrase "family values." It seems like such a meaningless phrase, especially since there are so many variations of what a "family" means.
It's pretty obvious you weren't. If you were raised with family values, you would have married the mother of your child, and you would have married her before she got pregnant.
You would legally be a family.
Please tell me where this imaginary "family values" wingnut phrase that you're using is coming from?
We were engaged before our daughter was born but even with that she dragged her heels and hid the ring under long sleeved shirts n stuff for a month or so before she let anyone else see it. If it were up to me we would have been married...but again it takes two.
Originally Posted By: knittedscarff
For the life of me, I can never figure out what people mean by the phrase "family values." It seems like such a meaningless phrase, especially since there are so many variations of what a "family" means.
in my mind...it's a mother and father weathering all storms, staying together and working through their problems for the good of themselves and their children instead of seeking third parties or just splitting up.
It's pretty obvious you weren't. If you were raised with family values, you would have married the mother of your child, and you would have married her before she got pregnant.
You would legally be a family.
We were engaged before our daughter was born but even with that she dragged her heels and hid the ring under long sleeved shirts n stuff for a month or so before she let anyone else see it. If it were up to me we would have been married...but again it takes two.
Compare:
Jan 18
Originally Posted By: nsw1222
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Well you talked about everything but marriage. You've been with this woman for over seven years.....you are engaged to her but you never M her. She had you child.......I mean, why the heck did the two of you never make it legal?
Several people have asked me this since we broke up. While I cant speak for her, on my end, I slowed down on the desire for marriage because she was very bad with money and she had such a short fuse that I was afraid she would do what she ended up doing anyway, getitng mad and walking out on me, only with us being married things would be even more complicated.
January 23
Originally Posted By: nsw1222
I agree with you about my reasons for not wanting to get married being lame...and I now have to live with the possibility that I may never get to rectify the situation.
February 4
Originally Posted By: nsw1222
Originally Posted By: sandi2
You said yourself how badly you treated her before she left you. Didn't you say you hardly ever paid any attention to her? Didn't you say she couldn't take care of D3 as well as you could......b/c you were so particular about how things were done for your D? Didn't you say that you spent almost all your home time on the computer? Didn't you say that you hardly ever took her out anywhere?
[snip]
You didn't even want her until you found out somebody else wanted her! You know what? If she did come back home, she wouldn't be there a month until you would be treating her like cr@p again! Know how I know? B/c she wasn't up to your standards to marry her, that's why. Go back and read your answer to me when I asked you why you were with her for 7 1/2 years and yet you never M her.
Actually Sandi...I didnt push the issue of marriage.
