My Story...grass is greener (pt 3)

[nsw1222]

you enjoy putting out fire with gasoline!

pretty much.

my ex told me yesterday that if I were the last man on earth she wouldnt get back in a relationship with me. this after she went to breakfast with me and was on the "lets be friends" bandwagon.

now we're not speaking and she wont come in the house to pick up/drop off D3.

theres more to it than that...I wanted her to go into counseling and she again refused, said she's done, etc. it went on and on for a few hours...but suffice it to say we're done aside from D3 related functions....if then even.

[mza8]

my ex told me yesterday that if I were the last man on earth she wouldnt get back in a relationship with me.

"So you're saying there's still a chance?"

Sorry, nsw, I couldn't resist. Sometimes a little levity keeps us from going crazy.

I've kept up on your sitch and I'm not convinced that all hope is lost. I know it seems that way. I think your ex is so tired of knowing that every time she comes in contact with you that it will result in an agruement. Right now she sees no reason to even consider being with you again based on your actions. Would it be possible for you to leave her alone for 30 days straight with the exception of taking care of your D3's needs?...and when you do interact with ex about D3, can you try to keep it friendly no matter what your ex throws at you? If you try that and STICK TO IT, you just might be surprised by the results.

[MrBond]

Seriously?

Why do you keep bugging her when each time it pushes her farther and farther away? Back off.

I'd get pissed too if I was in her shoes. Stop doing what doesn't work.

[CityGirl]

I am really having a hard time understanding what you are doing.

Do you *really* get how serious this situation is? You are about to enter into a custody agreement with a woman you are not even legally married to. You are about to enter into a custody agreement with a woman that you cannot even sit through ONE parenting class with. You are about to enter into a custody agreement with a woman AFTER you stormed her house to confront her and her BF. Do you realize this is not a game?

Clearly you have not yet mastered the ability to refrain from R's talks, NOT pursue and quite simply leave things be.

Why do you keep spending time with this woman when you know damn well you are unable to control yourself? Don't say it is for your daughter because it is not. Your daughter is the excuse you use to spend time with your EX. You get plenty of one on one time w/your daughter.

You are digging your own grave as far as custody goes and any chance of having *any* sort of R with your EX.

You know what doesn't work. Stop.

[nsw1222]

Why do you keep spending time with this woman when you know damn well you are unable to control yourself?

Well I would say we wont be spending any more time together in the future.

And yeah...everythign I do makes my position in the custody case that much worse. Two months ago I would have had no problem winning and maintaining primary custody. now...thanks to all the drama from learning about the OM to my interactions with her...it's looking more like joint custody at best.

There were two conversations with my ex that, if I had recorded, would have likely put me back up there as an almost guarantee for keeping primary custody. One was last week where she was going off on a rant about her mom and grandmother and calling them c*nts and saying she hoped they choked on shrimp at dinner and died.

I think a judge would have a hard time awarding much custody to someone who could say that about their own mother and grandmother.

The other conversation was this morning when she openly admitted to her pay from her one job not being on the books. While not directly relevant to the custody issue it would have been good to have "just in case".

I cant wait til this weekend. My family is coming into town and we're taking D3 to see Disney's Nemo on Ice. It will be nice to see them and have them here in person for support.

[CityGirl]

While I don't know what state you live in, unless you have both parties consent to record a conversation it would not be allowable as part of your case.

The problem is you are only hunting for ways to make your EX look bad. You are so busy doing that you have STOPPED doing things that make you look "good".

If you are only awarded joint custody (and keep this up and that will be iffy at best) the ONLY person you have to blame is YOU because the ONLY person you can control is YOU.

And I really have to wonder how badly you want full custody. IMO if that was your main desire you would have stopped this terrible and damaging behavior a long time ago and really focused on the goal at hand. Instead you made it all about your EX, her off the books pay, her foul mouth, her dirty father and his GF, the OM, the fact you chose not to move and get a better paying job and the fact your EX is not a good shopper. All that BS for what? Not only has it gotten you nowhere but it now may get you much less.

I hope one day you are honest with yourself and really examine why you chose to keep acting this way when custody of your CHILD was at stake. If your true and pure goal was to obtain full custody ALL this other stuff would have been nothing more than tiny blips on the radar that meant nothing to you.

[nsw1222]

And I really have to wonder how badly you want full custody. IMO if that was your main desire you would have stopped this terrible and damaging behavior a long time ago and really focused on the goal at hand.

I guess my main desire was more to convince my ex to stop all this foolishness as I saw it and come back...at which point custody of D3 would be a non-issue since we'd be together again.

If I could have foreseen everything that happened over the past 3-4 months...knowing how it would hall be working out, I would have ignored my ex over focusing on being the super dad I once was.

And if I am not awarded primary custody I do agree that its my own fault for not controlling my emotions and consequently my behavior. Up until I fouind out about the OM and bregan to react to it, my ex had nothing on me. I mean if back then she would have told a judge that she left because I paid more attention to D3 and taking care of D3 and all the housework than I did my ex, I would have been a show in for primary custody.


At any rate...I havent heard from my ex since she dorpped off D3 yesterday. She didnt call D3 before bed last night (I think...I got a restricted call around her bedtime but figured it was a telemarketer and didnt answer) nor did she show up at D3's school this morning like she's done for the past few weeks. Of course that may be because I told her not to. She got pissy with me yesterday morning at D3's pick up when I wanted to talk to her and she said she wasnt going to talk about anything, that this was her time with D3 and she wanted to get her and go. So I told her that today was my time with her and she shouldnt show up at her school.

At least she finally did something I asked...I guess. She may have gone out and got drunk last night and not been able to drive to D3s school...who knows.

[MrBond]

"So I told her that today was my time with her and she shouldnt show up at her school."

I feel so sorry for your D. What the hell were you thinking of saying something like this? She's your D's mother. If she wants to see her D at school, let her. All of this is going to come back to you big time.

So what if she tells you that you can't come to your D's graduation or plays or birthday because it's HER day? You have a real all or nothing attitude that doesn't help your D one bit.

You want to believe you're father of the year, then start acting like it. Show her how an ADULT acts. Right now you're acting like a kid who can't get what he wants so he throws a tantrum.

We've all gone through what you did. But there comes a point where we figure out how to compromise to actually start healing. You need to get to that point for the sake of your D and yourself.

[nsw1222]

Ok...heres a very serious and pressing issue that I'd like to get input on:

I think part of the excitement of this relationsip between OM and my ex is how she thinks nobody knows about it other than her dad and his g/f (she thinks her mom and sisters dont know)...and I'm wondering how much of the OMs family knows.

While the OM doesnt have a wife, he does have a mother and I found out her phone number. Would it be wrong to expose what's going on between him and my ex to her and if so why (aside from the custody case going on)?

I mean...I'm thinking the reasons to do it would be if the woman, coming from an older generation, has any sort of values she'll be appalled and give her son hell for dating someone so much younger than him and keeping a family broken up as a result.

I found her name and then number by searching the public records and white pages online for OM and got a list of some of his relatives. I dont want to get in trouble with the law but if its only a one time call (as opposed to two or more)...I wouldnt think that could be considered harassment or anything. But I dont know.

I mean...for those that expose affairs to the OPs spouse...are you guys getting in trouble for harassment or anything?

I just need to know what the immediate legal reprocussions could be before I do something that could get me arrested.

[CityGirl]

I sort of think if you wonder for just ONE SECOND if you might get arrested then chances are it is not a good idea.

What on Earth good would it do to involve an elderly woman in all this drama? You assume too much. So what she comes from a different generation? That doesn't exactly mean her values are stellar or that she will "ream" her son out for being with your EX. Her values may not reflect the values of her son and there is nothing a mother can do about the way a grown son behaves. Just like there is nothing your parents can seem to do about the way you behave even if it does go against their values.

You are not exposing an affair to the OM's spouse as the OM does not have a spouse. You are involving an elderly woman that may or may not have any clue what is going on. You have NO CLUE the type of R the OM has with his mom or what she may or may not know. For all you know the OM has already told him mom and filled her in on the night you stormed over there. Maybe she thinks you are the crazy one.

I can't for the life of me understand why you would take such a risk when (A) you are quickly losing any credibility for joint custody (B) you have already made a spectacle that almost resulted in one arrest and (C) your EX has made it perfectly clear she does not want you.

You really sound like you have gone off the deep end. And the person that will suffer the most is your daughter.