"I love you, but I'm not in love with you any longer..."
One of my biggest gripes about the Divorce Busting community is the misconception that ILYBNILWY is some sort of barometer, indicating the presence of another (wo)man.
Not only is this nonsense; but I also believe it is harmful to new people, who may appear here seeking help, only to have their impressionable heads filled up with fantastic images of supermodels and bodybuilders having wild, passionate whoopie with the love of their lives.
Before I go any further, let me introduce myself. My nym is crushed. About six weeks ago I found this forum after my own wife used this line on me. Was there another person in her life? Yes, but there have been many other people in her life, and in her case the line was delivered as a sort of sadistic game. For years, my wife has been unfaithful. She never gave me the line in the past. In fact, usually, she got very nice and attentive after she had a fling, as though she was feeling a bit guilty and wanting to make sure I didn't suspect anything.
Since my own wife claimed to be walking away, I went through some serious trauma. I came out the other end puzzled, because she not only has not walked away yet, but I have become stronger and am now preparing to walk away from her.
I've used it on her three times now. It makes her very angry.
My wife assumes, like many on this forum, that there is some other woman in the background. This is pathetic, self-serving and very convenient for the ego of the left-behind spouse.
Rather than take responsibility for the fact that it is her own dismal behavior and depressing antics that caused me to fall out of love with her, she gets to be angry at me for some sort of imagined affair I'm having with Kate Winslet.
If Kate Winslet asked me to move in, I wouldn't bother telling my wife anything. I'd already be banging away on the washing machine and my dear wife would be long forgotten.
The reality is that ILYBNILWY may mean many things. It may mean that one's spouse has gone insane. It may mean that one's spouse is in an affair. It may mean that one's spouse is in love with you but wants to hurt you. It may mean that one's spouse is in love with you but doesn't want to be married any longer. Maybe s/he just wants to be single (as in my case) and find him or herself.
Not only am I not having an affair, but I do not want one. I'm going to dedicate at least the next TWO YEARS solely to my kids and am not interested in any sort of intimacy or relationship with ANYONE. I consider my prime directive at this moment to be fatherhood. All women (gay dudes too) are welcome to take a number. I'll be with y'all *real soon now*.
It is best not to try to second guess one's spouse or read his or her mind. This line (much like "I love you") is so vague that it could mean nearly anything. Look at the behavior of the spouse and judge your situation carefully.
Most importantly: do not listen to people here and subsequently accuse your spouse of infidelity simply based on this line. This is happening to me. It's a great way of making me love my own wife even less than I did before she got upset (hard as it is to believe, that did happen). Accusing your spouse of some sort of misbehavior that you have no proof for is a great way to drive them further away from you, and is not commensurate with the spirit of divorce busting.
I tell my wife I'm not in love with her any longer. That's true. The reality is that if she began improving her behavior, and taking her position as wife and mother seriously, I might move back into the love zone. Take me seriously on this, all you left behind spouses. Do what works, not what makes you feel avenged.
Peace, CV_95
M:40 W:40 2 teenagers ILYBNILWY: 09 January 2010 soon to be walking away my situation
"I love you, but I'm not in love with you any longer..."
One of my biggest gripes about the Divorce Busting community is the misconception that ILYBNILWY is some sort of barometer, indicating the presence of another (wo)man.
Not only is this nonsense; but I also believe it is harmful to new people, who may appear here seeking help, only to have their impressionable heads filled up with fantastic images of supermodels and bodybuilders having wild, passionate whoopie with the love of their lives.
Before I go any further, let me introduce myself. My nym is crushed. About six weeks ago I found this forum after my own wife used this line on me. Was there another person in her life? Yes, but there have been many other people in her life, and in her case the line was delivered as a sort of sadistic game. For years, my wife has been unfaithful. She never gave me the line in the past. In fact, usually, she got very nice and attentive after she had a fling, as though she was feeling a bit guilty and wanting to make sure I didn't suspect anything.
I tell my wife I'm not in love with her any longer. That's true. The reality is that if she began improving her behavior, and taking her position as wife and mother seriously, I might move back into the love zone. Take me seriously on this, all you left behind spouses. Do what works, not what makes you feel avenged.
Peace, CV_95
So you're telling us as a newbie on this forum that your main gripe is the term "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and how alot of us tell newcomers that more times than not, it signals the fact that there is someone else in the picture, ie. another man or woman.
Then you go on to mention that your own wife used this with you possibly a few times and you have confirmed that she was cheating on you and having affairs with other men.
So what is your gripe essentially? It seems that this information was accurate in your situation.
Crushed, here's a newsflash, ILYBINILWY will not always mean 100% of the time that your spouse is cheating on you. But isn't 70,80 or 90% good enough when making a generalization like this?
But from our experiences on this forum, more times than not, that is the case when this catch phrase is used. It's called WAS script, it's referred to as "script" because alot of walk away spouses tend to use it when they meet someone new and begin an affair and instead of being honest with their wives & husbands, they'll use this line among many others to feel less guilty about what they're doing rather than be blatantly honest and admit they're having an affair.
It appears that either you haven't read the article I penned, or you don't understand it. Let me clarify.
It seems that this information was accurate in your situation.
The opposite is true. If I were having an affair, I'd know it and admit it here openly (I'm anonymous, after all). I'm not. I use the line for entirely different reasons.
Crushed, here's a newsflash, ILYBINILWY will not always mean 100% of the time that your spouse is cheating on you. But isn't 70,80 or 90% good enough when making a generalization like this?
Impressive stats, I don't suppose you have a peer-reviewed journal article to back them up? Don't worry, I won't wait around.
The fact is that you and others do newbies a grave disservice by propagating this idiocy. People show up here who are hurting and vulnerable, and these same people are prone to grab any advice that any know-nothing might give, including "s/he's sleeping with someone else". In this particular case, this is the very worst assumption that can be made, since baseless accusations are not part of divorce busting.
Remember kids, this is the real world, where we like to see evidence before assuming that something is verifiable.
Peace, CV_95
M:40 W:40 2 teenagers ILYBNILWY: 09 January 2010 soon to be walking away my situation
I tell my wife I'm not in love with her any longer. That's true. The reality is that if she began improving her behavior, and taking her position as wife and mother seriously, I might move back into the love zone. Take me seriously on this, all you left behind spouses. Do what works, not what makes you feel avenged.
Peace, CV_95
How does this make you feel avenged? Or anyone else for that matter? I don't understand this.
You also tell us that you used this statement with your wife but if she made changes you might move back into the "love zone".
Let's be honest.
You still love and care for her and you want her back. A true WAS wouldn't say "I'll consider loving you again if you shape up and improve yourself", none of the WAS's that I've heard from and read about on these forums ever say this.
Let's add another point to all of this, you told your wife this statement (ILYBNILWY) and what did she assume since she's a true WAS who really has no knowledge of divorce busting techniques and probably your existence on these forums and she assumed.... that you are seeing some other woman.
It seems to me that you have not only proven that your wife used this line on you when she was having an affair but when you used this line on her, she assumed you are now having your own affair.
Apparently that script means pretty much what we say it means, that there is another person in the picture. You saying it even though you're not seeing anyone still has your wife thinking that you are - because in her head and most everyone else's reality, that statement usually means that an affair is underway or about to happen or that your spouse is interested in someone and wants to pursue them, regardless if the affair has begun yet or not.
As for your description of the assumption of the affair being pathetic, self-serving and very convenient for the ego of the LBS, you used this script with your WAW and now she is wondering what you're up to. You started off as "crushed" which implies you were hurt and sad and suffering but you sound very confident and strong willed and ready to handle the situations before you - I wonder if any of this has to do with the fact that you served your wife a new piece of cake that you baked specifically for her and her cake eating tendencies and have her worried now.
Methinks your self-esteem seems to be a lot higher than it was when you started around here.
And for what it's worth, that's a good thing, maintain that attitude.
It appears that either you haven't read the article I penned, or you don't understand it. Let me clarify.
It seems that this information was accurate in your situation.
The opposite is true. If I were having an affair, I'd know it and admit it here openly (I'm anonymous, after all). I'm not. I use the line for entirely different reasons.
Crushed, here's a newsflash, ILYBINILWY will not always mean 100% of the time that your spouse is cheating on you. But isn't 70,80 or 90% good enough when making a generalization like this?
Impressive stats, I don't suppose you have a peer-reviewed journal article to back them up? Don't worry, I won't wait around.
The fact is that you and others do newbies a grave disservice by propagating this idiocy. People show up here who are hurting and vulnerable, and these same people are prone to grab any advice that any know-nothing might give, including "s/he's sleeping with someone else". In this particular case, this is the very worst assumption that can be made, since baseless accusations are not part of divorce busting.
Remember kids, this is the real world, where we like to see evidence before assuming that something is verifiable.
Peace, CV_95
Crushed you verified yourself that your wife used this script with you and she was having an affair, in that case, in your world, we weren't 70% accurate, we were 100% accurate.
It appears that either you haven't read the article I penned, or you don't understand it. Let me clarify.
It seems that this information was accurate in your situation.
The opposite is true. If I were having an affair, I'd know it and admit it here openly (I'm anonymous, after all). I'm not. I use the line for entirely different reasons.
Crushed, here's a newsflash, ILYBINILWY will not always mean 100% of the time that your spouse is cheating on you. But isn't 70,80 or 90% good enough when making a generalization like this?
Impressive stats, I don't suppose you have a peer-reviewed journal article to back them up? Don't worry, I won't wait around.
The fact is that you and others do newbies a grave disservice by propagating this idiocy. People show up here who are hurting and vulnerable, and these same people are prone to grab any advice that any know-nothing might give, including "s/he's sleeping with someone else". In this particular case, this is the very worst assumption that can be made, since baseless accusations are not part of divorce busting.
Remember kids, this is the real world, where we like to see evidence before assuming that something is verifiable.
Peace, CV_95
What evidence are you looking for? We can't go into your respective situation and verify this, unfortunately that is your responsibility if you even choose to assume that task - but I'll repeat, you verified that in your own situation, your wife said these magic words to you and she was having an affair, I guess that's purely coincidental.
Again, you're spouting off things that have nothing to do with the topic at hand, as I explored it. You weren't able to read your own spouse's mind. Don't try to read mine.
Peace, CV_95
M:40 W:40 2 teenagers ILYBNILWY: 09 January 2010 soon to be walking away my situation
Gucci covered this topic in another thread but here is a wicked post for you to digest:
Originally Posted By: gucci loafer
Red flag of an affair. I have been at this for 20+ years. TEXTBOOK excuse.
Suddenly they are always "going" to their "friends" house... That is their cover. The friend is the cover for them....
That is a place to start...
We need to smoke this out. I am all for snooping to find out the truth. You have a right to know the truth. Knowing the truth will give you what you need to make correct decisions. Things will make sense more.
IF there wasn't someone else then she would be open to repairing the marriage. She would have nothing to lose. She would be glad that you are now awake.
Think of it as like this...
IF you had a job you originally liked, and then as time went on you started to see things you didn't like as much, would you quit that job if you didn't have another one lined up? If you told your boss that you were unhappy and then your boss said he didn't want to lose you and would give you a raise and make working conditions better, wouldn't that make you happy and allow you to see if he was serious?
BUT.. What if you suddenly were offered a job with another company with more pay and had it lined up BEFORE your boss knew you were unhappy so much?. Suddenly that company wanted you and was offering you the moon. On paper the job looked perfect. Suddenly the job you were in wasn't looking so good. You remember the low pay and the bad working conditions.
You decide to take the other job. You tell your present boss that you are giving your notice. He had been overbearing for many years....However you now know that you have something else lined up. You want to tell him all the things you didn't like and COULD NOT say to him before..
WHY? Because you weren't going to leave something without something else in line. Who would? Now that you have something that seems better yo know you don't have to take the boss's crap anymore. You would never have left a job before without another opportunity in hand. You may have been unhappy, but you wouldn't chance leaving not knowing where you would go or how you were going to make it. NOW if the old boss changes his tune you will hesitate. You will think.. Too little too late. Why did he wait he until I wanted out to offer this raise and better working conditions..... Suddenly he treats you better after you have given him your notice. Back and forth your mind goes to whether you are making a mistake. Do you now call the new work place and tell them you changed your mind on this GREAT opportunity? round and round your mind wanders.
This analogy is why many of us believe STRONGLY that your wife is interested in someone else. If she wasn't she would be more open and interested in staying.
She has another job offer...
IF she didn't, she would be glad that you are now offering her a raise and better working conditions.
Again, you're spouting off things that have nothing to do with the topic at hand, as I explored it. You weren't able to read your own spouse's mind. Don't try to read mine.
Peace, CV_95
Seriously CV, are you nuts?! WTF?! I'm not reading your spouse's mind! I quoted you specifically in this very thread, you posted that your wife was having an affair, apparently multiple affairs and she used these same words on you - what mind reading are you referring?
