I just got back. And yes, xW ignored my request. She brought her greasy OM, and her mother to boot (the evil xMIL).
I ignored them and did my best to carry on as if they weren't there. It irks me that he's there skulking in the background the whole time, not entirely hanging back but off to the side like an obsequious slug.
I focused on the scouts and the other parents and the various heats to the races.
S9 didn't win this year, or even place, but he took it well enough. I just wish Jabba the Hut and the Wicked Witch of the East hadn't been there to taint the event. It would have been a good learning experience and a teachable moment had these interlopers not been there with xW to anxiously cart my S's off before I've had a chance to properly recap and underscore today's events with them.
Karen, few in our scout pack know my full story, so they wouldn't have known anything was amiss. At least my behavior should not have been a give-away to anything unusual going on. You see, unlike her, I have practiced the utmost in discretion, for her benefit as well as for my S's. Though I would have done so anyway, she demanded my discretion. And yet she has used that against me to slander my reputation with neighbors, family, friends, teachers, etc. She filled the vacuum of my discretion with her poison.
I guess given every incident since the bomb I should understand that xW will never respect me or my rights to parent our S's. I should not be surprised that she would ignore my serious, fervent request and would purposely interfere with my father-son relationship-building, especially if it also means parading her transgressions against me in public and rubbing it under my very nose.
I see the Parenting Coordinator on Thursday. I am curious to see if he will recognize that xW is purposely trying to encroach on my R with my S's with this latest offense. He'll either condemn her actions, or excuse them -- if the former, then it will remain to be seen what he proposes be done about it; if the latter, then I will know he lacks the moral judgement and the sincerity by which he professes to honestly support shared parenting.
If the PC sees nothing wrong and does nothing, then all I can say is xW has established a precedent for which she will come to regret. If she wants to horn in on my special times with my S's, I will return the favor, with gusto. Whenever there is any public event she tries to cordon off for her and OM with my S's -- sporting events, amusement parks, etc. -- she'll find me there as well.
NC, Your sitch is just as FUBAR as mine! I stopped posting as well just because what I am going through is so extreme.
The OM in your sitch and the OW in mine are a "fine" pair (as are many OW/OM we read about in DB). I would not want to trust my children to such a schmuck either. So much for my words of wisdom!
Karen has a good point about your ex doing things just to antagonize you. You certainly can't ban them from attending the events, and you'd catch h3ll if you don't tell them. At least you have a parenting coordinator to help mediate things. If that ever happens to me, and I'm forced to attend an event with OW in my sitch, I would vote to take the high road and maintain class, character and integrity.
Funny thing about your ex demanding discretion! My H is the same way. Doesn't want me talking to anyone about what he's done or is doing, but it's ok that he continues to lie and sneak around on me. I think the proper word here is hypocrite.
Karen, I'll try to post an update sometime this weekend.
I have sparred with the ex via email the previous two days.
xW finally responded by text to my request for her not to bring OM to S9's pinewood derby on Saturday, as that was a special event for me and my S's that she was trying to encroach upon. She had already ignored my request and brought OM anyway. So the next day, AFTER having disregarded my request, she sent this email trying to lie and make excuses for what she did.
She said, among many things, that Saturday was her day -- or it would have been had she not requested we trade days. (But the concept of fairness in such deals seems to elude her.)
And then she started popping off about how I am saying nasty things about her, OM and xMIL to our S's -- all of it lies and fabrications -- basically trying to go on the offensive with me.
She also threw in her worn-out rhetoric about how my failure to do this or that caused the end of our M.
Mind you, I had said nothing yet about her disregard and disrespect for my request, and then she follows up with this bombastic email the next day.
Well, obviously, I am not the sort of person who can easily let such lies and distortions go unchallenged -- especially when she is brainwashing my children to repeat them. So I sent a reply. I rebuked her for her lying, cheating and faithlessness. I told her she was wrong for failing to practice discretion around our S's (it would have been better had she said nothing at all to them) and instead getting them to perpetuate her lies and delusions about her and OM. She's been telling our S's this fantasy that she and OM had never been anything more than friends until recently -- and that thereby their father was wrong and lying about them to everyone.
I told her that all her lies were beginning to catch up to her, and that her S's were beginning to recognize them for what they were. I told her that S9 had already expressed disappointment in his mother for reneging on her oath that she would never, ever get married again -- claiming that I had "ruined her on M." S9 said that his mother had also claimed that OM was just a friend, but that too was not true, OM was evidently more. So for these reasons S9 called his mother a "liar", using that very word.
To her credit, I told xW, I had responded to S9 to say that his mother would claim, rightly or wrongly, that she had a right to change her mind. She is his mother and he needs to respect her.
xW then shot back that she never told S9 she would not ever get M'ed again, but that she was only "afraid" to. But now she had decided she was no longer afraid, because of she and OM had decided to not give up on M just because she and he had "chosen the wrong people in the past".
I replied that that too was a lie, that she was again changing her story. What she had said to S9 and S5 about never getting married again she had also said to me separately. She had from the very beginning tried to convince me that she and OM were nothing more than "friends." She had tried to play all innocent from the very outset and that because of me and my supposed psychological "abuse" of her she would never get M'ed again.
I told her I had known better even back then, but I held my tongue. All the evidence proved otherwise, beyond a shadow of a doubt. She hung herself with every deed and action thereafter.
I said to her it was never about her and he having chosen the "wrong people" -- it was about her and her lifelong baggage she's been carrying around and still refuses to deal with, a life of self-deception, insincerity and an unwillingness to truly commit to a healthy R with anyone she could not control. It has to do with her renouncing her professed values and embracing selfishness, and then blaming me and everyone else if she's not perpetually "happy." She ran from our M rather than faithfully committing to healing it, but her baggage of insecurity and dishonesty still follows her.
I asked her then did she really think her union with another unrepentant adulterer and cheater, the both of them on their third or later M, had a snow-ball's chance of making it? Did she really think a M born of lies, treachery and deceit would last? How long would it be before either of them cheated on the other?
And then I asked her, driving the point home, what happens to S9 and S5, and what do you tell them when/if it fails? Regarding the OM and bringing him into their lives, I said:
Quote:
Why should they put any faith in your poor choices, risk their trust and well being on such dismal odds? By parable, would you let our sons board an airliner that had less than half of one percent chance of surviving the flight? Your risks aside, where is your concern for S9 and S5?
xW just replied again that she and OM started out as friends, and that it developed into more only after the S, but she doesn't care what I might think.
So basically she plans to stick to her little fairy tale. And that what I know to be true doesn't really matter, not to her.
I washed my hands of her at this point. She's hopeless. She doesn't care what she says or does, she just wants to have what she wants no matter who gets hurt. Not even our children.
NC, I completely understand your anger. I don't see how WAS do that kind of stuff which does hurt the children, and be able to sleep at night! On the other hand, I also think she purposely baits you/tries to keep you angry and the war going between you so she can justify her past/present behaviors. When I was having that talk at lunch today, I thought of you and your X almost instantly.
I do think it would be interesting at some point for you to do a 180. What you've been doing isn't working at least not for you and your PMA; so maybe try doing the opposite. Detach and ignore her emails. Continue to be a great dad and focus on your wonderful boys, rather than your X and evil MIL.
I'm sorry you're going through this stuff. I do think things will get better; in fact I know they will... (((((nc))))))
Yes, thanks. I have pretty much come to the same conclusion.
My xW cannot and will not be truthful. Everything she says now, everything she does, everything she is now... is a lie.
I cannot trust anything about her. Never. I cannot make peace with her. She won't have it, try as I might. As such, I cannot ever respect her, not anymore, and I already have zero respect for the OM.
So talking to her is absolutely pointless. I can be congenial towards her while maintaining my absolute wariness of her -- just as I might "respect" a snake or scorpion. But trying to find common ground with her is just no longer possible. She has consciously made me her enemy and I am going to take that seriously from now on.
I will no longer talk to her or respond to her directly or indirectly -- except where our children are concerned.
But on that score -- where our children's interests lie -- I will defend myself and my S's, and I will strongly respond to any offense she offers -- again, as regards our S's -- in a cold business-only manner. I refuse to be drawn into her drama anymore, but I will handle any affront that involves S9 or S5 with decisive swiftness and as much detachment as I can manage.
As for myself, I am moving forward again, distancing myself from her madness. I want to be a haven for my S's, away from the storms I see brewing in her future. Actually, my coming to grips with the hard fact that I just cannot maintain even a modicum of peace between their mother and I, even if it be for their sake, I am already starting to find it liberating.
I am just not going to pretend any longer that we can co-parent as I had hoped we could have. This is just a detente between former business partners, now opponents.
Will this work? I don't know. Is this best for our children? I can't say one way or the other. All I know is that since she refuses to cooperate in good faith, the "peaceful" path is just not working. I am facing that now, and thus taking a different path. We'll see how this approach fairs.
Thursday is the PC meeting, so perhaps I may amend part of this new stance based on what he might suggest. I don't know -- again, we'll see.
I saw the PC this morning. I was over 15 minutes late because I was pulled over for speeding, which totally blew my calm (Ugggh!) The session didn't go all that well, I feel, as I really didn't have the time to get my points across. In the end, I feel it will prove to be a waste of time.
He said he would talk to xW about some of her manipulations and other controlling behaviors where they impact me and my S's. That's the good news. But because of my agitation, he said I was obviously quite angry and resentful -- rightly so, he added -- but also feeling a lot of hate towards xW. I am sure the latter, the word "hate", is precisely what xW has said to the PC. That's the story she's been trying to build against me, that I am this horribly hate-filled person -- I admit I make that accusation all to easy for her to level.
But no, it's not true. I don't hateher, OM or the evil xMIL. I do hate her actions, her words, her deeds. I abhor how she treats me and how she denigrates everything to do with me. It's a toxicity that has admittedly been poisoning my life and wearing away at my morale, mostly because she is so unrelenting in her offenses. But I try to separate the offender from their crimes. I can forgive the sinner, if not their sins.
I guess I am now shocked at what my PC concluded. He does not have a problem with someone hating someone else, at all. (In fact, he gave me an example of someone he himself happens to have hated for over twenty years.) And he doesn't think one can truly forgive someone in such cases unless the offending party begs for forgiveness. That was surprising to hear from someone who should know better. But he said that for the sake of my S's, which is where his real focus lies, I need to get over this hurt and this "hatred" for xW and the OM.
His solution? To have my own R, to find a woman.
He reasoned it's been over 2 1/2 years since the S, in which time I am now D'ed., and I should already be able to have R's. I asked him to clarify if he meant romantic, male-female R's ...or more general, plutonic R's. He meant the former.
That blew my mind. Not that it is entirely untrue or that I hadn't been thinking of this myself, but to hear it from this clinical source? And one entirely at odds with all other sources of wisdom?
I started to offer a different opinion, one coached in rational restraint and sound judgment -- from all the other advice I've gleaned in this time. I stated that until I get over the anger and resentment, a new R would only be poisoned by it -- why bring another person into the equation when it wouldn't be fair to them? To me, his suggestion was like placing the cart before the horse.
I had him elaborate a bit more, but it just alarmed me the more he spoke. He feels that a person is not really complete unless they are in a R with another person -- I started to say that sounded like a sure-fire prescription for co-dependency, but I was too astonished. He thinks that it is through R's that we heal, and that healing from a broken R is best done through another R. Everything else, regarding healing from D, he said, was just "B*llsh*t." I again had to have him clarify that he was talking more specifically about romantic R's and not other types of R's.
I can say that I have tried to give some thought to his position, but there is a part of me that is screaming inside that he is missing the big picture here. Aside from the observable fact that his prescription is the exact cause for so many failed R's in the first place, there is something fundamentally flawed in that thinking.
Yes, we are human beings, and yes, we were never meant to be alone. That much is true -- it's biblical even. But I do not believe that romantic/sexual R's are the only means by which we are whole and complete. I just do not accept that notion. Love can and does heal, but it takes on more forms than just Eros.
And MR's are an ideal, certainly, an ultimate one at that, but never a sole requisite for being a full, integrated person. It should not be my focus in life, certainly not now.
And my finding a new R is not going to suddenly resolve the issues I have with my ex -- the PC even admitted as such, saying we'd likely always be angry at each other.
I am beginning to conclude that the PC and I are on different planes when it comes to values. Though our priorities might contain some of the same things, they are most definitely not in the same order. I don't know if this is going to work out then. If the PC is for real and being candid with me (as opposed to giving some sorta' strange homeopathic advice here .. or is just pulling my leg), I would have to conclude that he and I cannot see entirely eye to eye, for which I would be disappointed. I would not be able to depend on him to defend the values that I am committed to regarding my S's, as he might not be able to respect them.
I'm still shocked and still pondering this meeting.
I have never stopped being shocked by the number of "band aid" relationships that crop up. Sorry guys, but seems to happen more with men.
If you can't feel good about yourself then how in the world would you be any good in another relationship? Now if he is thinking of moving your focus off of ex and her antics and explore the possiblities of a relationship in that sense, I can see it. You focus so much on what she is doing or has done that it doesn't leave much time for you as an individual.
I do think you need to get the focus back to that and see where it takes you.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I fully agree that I need to shift the focus off of xW -- I'm just not convinced that using a new R, as the PC suggests, is the wisest way to do so. That path leads to Rebound City.
BTW Kat, I think "band-aid" R's are an "equal opportunity" folly. I've known lots of women who cannot bear to be without some form of R with a man, good or bad. They've pinned so much of their self-worth into having a R that they would rather have a bad R than no R. And when it is womenfolk in my family -- mother, aunts, cousins, nieces, in-laws -- and friends, it hurts to see them go through these trials.
I agree with Kat. One of the important things I think I've learned in the past couple years is that you can't look to someone else or something else to make you happy. Make yourself happy first, figure out what it takes, and then have a R, if you want a healthy one. I don't know if that's a values issue, though. I think a lot of guys do seem to have to be in an R at all times, and I'm sure lots of women are like that, too.
I do think you should try to ignore your X as much as possible (I know she makes that almost impossible), and just focus on your boys, GALing, church, etc. Do you do volunteer work? I think that's always a great way to focus on something positive. I like to always exercise too; helps relieve stress and sleep at night too.
I don't know if you should give up on the PC yet. Obviously, I wouldn't take his dating/relationship advice, though!!! He seems like he is trying to remain neutral from what you've said, so don't know about that.
