Struggling with Hope

[ericmsant2]

Damn Jack - that was hard!

I'm sorry but I feel like I have to defend myself. I am trying to stand for my marriage but standing should not mean being takend advantage off. I understand and take full responsibility for my action in the demise of the M but that should not mean that I sit here and just get stomped on. Yes I made a ton of mistakes in the M - a ton...most that I will live with for a very very long time. So I guess I should sit, let her cake eat, do whatever she wants, GAL, detach and hope that the court system will have pity on me. Is trying to plan for a future a sin here? I am willing to sit in limbo but everyone has a limit.

I suppose that would take time and committment and the desire to do better

.

I know that I am doing that. I know. I am eating my crow I am working on myself. I am committed to being a better man. But a Man with some self respect. I too have to look at my boys and tell them at some point enough is enough. Everyone has a limit - everyone. This does not mean that you do not stand up for morals but it does mean that boundaries should be established and kept. Boundaries that are fair and just.

Make up your mind one day...change it the next. That must be hard on you. Wouldn't it be easier to stick with a course of action; don't you think?

I did make up my mind to stand. I did. I do not want a D but I also cannot control that myself. I cannot control her. Yes this is hard. It is hard on me, my kids and her. My oldest is not talking to me partly because mommy complained about me. But I still stand. Do I have moments where I want to give up. Yes - damit I am human. But when I do I come here vent and seek advise.

The emotional affair, I just 'hate' those people don't you? Don't they know your wife is yours? Bottom feeders. Icky people.

I fully understand that the EA or PA is a symptom of the bigger issue which was my inability to emotionally satisfy her needs. Over a very long period of time. I do not blame the guy but am pissed about it. It is very tough to sit and what her glow while on the phone with him. But Jack - I come here vent yet I still stand. I have not confronted her about it either. I stand. Though it kills me - I stand.

I'm pretty sure that the lawery is going to say, "She is talking to another man on the phone in your house!!! We've got her now!! Please tell me you took pictures!" At least if life was fair that should happen, and then their feet get roasted in hell for it.

The lawyer can say whatever she wants - the D or no D will be what Eric wants. Once again, Eric does not want a D. Eric wants his family back but Eric may not get what Eric wants - so Eric listens and works on himself. Reads, comes here to vent, remains nice, tries as hard as he can to understand what SHE is going thru, tries to minimize the impact to the kids and himself (sorry if that is selfish). But Eric still stands, still hopes that one day - just one day he can hold the woman he loves in his arms. I only want to know what my life may be like if my W decided to say F-it and move forward with a D. Having said this, if the L says that right now I have the best chance to have my kids as often as possible, well then I do have to consider them and myself. Why? Because no one can tell me that my W will come out of this. She may never. My 8 yrs old needs her Dad and he needs her.

I also totally understand that if it came down to a chance to mend your marriage by making personal changes and being empathetic, or come out of a divorce with better posistion, I sure as surly know which one I would do, after all its all about who I respect right? It's what is in for me and my kids, my decisions should show what is important to me, what guides my dreams and hopes, shows me to be the man I want to see in the mirror. Right.

The chance to mend my marriage is why I eat crow, why I stand, why I do my best to detach, why I take everyone advise, why I pray everyday, why I consider the impact of my actions and why i go to IC 2x's a freaking a week. You may notice the "I" in the above...well it is because I realize that I can only control my actions. Not my Wife's. Yet her actions will impact everyone.

When I look in the mirror I do want to see someone that I like and can feel comfortable with and you know what....I feel comfortable right now knowing that I am doing everything in my power to hold it together including eating crow and allowing the cake eating. I do understand what she probably feels but it does not mean I need to like it. Yet I stand. Yet I stand. I stand in front of every fuc*ing person that tells me I am idiot, in front of our mutual friends who think that I won't let go, in front of my in laws who so I need to confront and be done with this. I stand for the women I love who quite frankly doesn't feel sh*t towards me. Nothing...I am a wallet and her ticket to freedom (Once I pay all the debt that is) - yet I stand.

Am I pissed - yes. Do I waver back and forth - yes. But in the end my actions will speak more than words. My actions, at least in my eyes still have me coming to this site to vent and seek help.

Is this the hardest thing that I have had to deal with - with out a freaking doubt. I have had to look deep within myself (oh..by the way everyone tells me I'm doing too much of that as well) so that I can become the best that I can be. But I have finally realized that I too am human, I have faults and always will.

Maybe I am coming accorss as a martyr here... that is not my intent... my intent is to reaffirm my desire to stand but truth be told I am only willing to pay so much - I am sorry if the time with my kids and my future happiness is not a price that I am willing to pay.

Is this selfish Jack? Is it? I thought I was suppose to do for ME.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Eric,

Before anything else, do you think I don't like you, or hate or or I get off somehow on making you feel bad?

(let me say if I did somehow get off on feeling superior, yours is not the thread I would use.)

Answer that for me.

[ericmsant2]

Jack - I'm just pissed.. I pissed at the whole lot that has been dealt me and that I have had a role in creating.

I posted the L thing because I really wanted to vent and let everyone know what was on my mind.

I don't think you hate me Jack and I know that you are trying to make sure that I really think things thru before I make any calls re my M. I know you do this because you care Jack but I did take it as an attack. Right now I just need to step away from all of this. I'm 6 months in, do not see a lot of saved M's, I'm dealing with some many issues at the same time. I know I need to let go and let God but Jack every day I look at a women that I love deeply and one that I hurt deeply and it is hard.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I just need to step away from all of this. I'm 6 months in, do not see a lot of saved M's

Statistically we are due for one.

Why not you?

It WAS an attack. It was an attack on your way of thinking, which helped get you here, and you have not changed. Despite your stated desire to.

I'll post more here in a bit...and be nicer about it, but I am going to use alot of your own words against you.

While I am doing that.

In your last...5 posts on this topic. Count how many times you used "But" in a sentence. Seriously, it is a BAD sign of someone who thinks they are somehow different, know more and don't DB well at all.

You know X, But Y... and how is that working out for you. Maybe you should do what you 'know'...and kick the BUTs in the a$$.

Be back in a bit.

[ericmsant2]

Jack - I look forward to your feedback .

[bradley11]

Eric-

whats up brother

here's what I know about my situation. I haven't changed at all. I am still stuck exactly where I was months ago. I'm still the same egotistical, world revolves around me person. I guess it is hard to change that way about yourself after 37 years of living that way. I still feel shame, embarressment... its hard to be around the hospital now because now I'm the guy who flamed out of heart surgery. Yes I am doing it because I want to be there for my kids. I need to continue to try and be more humble and understand I have an opportunity to help a lot of people, become part of a great hospital community and be a dad to my kids. All of these things are still abstract as I reel from the fall I have taken...

I do think you are changing though... you have been a really great support to me-- selfless in your help for me. I'm not sure if the old eric would have done that-- would he? but you have been great and i want to thank you for that.

[Lostforwords]

Eric,

Do you know the irony of self respect? I have actually learned that many people associate self-respect with confidence...take that back...over-confidence.

I have been bouncing since 1995....seen a lot of fights...some bad with people ending up in hospitals. You want to know the funny part....The guys with their chests held high talking about how strong and proud they stand...you know the ones. 9 times out of 10 get their a@@es handed to them by the quiet guy. Why? Because the quiet man knows he is strong and doesn't have to try and impress others....he believes in himself. Where as the loud man needs others to prove his strength because he isn't strong enough himself.

When you reach that point when you KNOW that you are strong enough to not let an-others action take you down....without having to stick you chest out, because you KNOW the strength that is inside you......then you will become a role model for your kids, a leader to those around you, a helper to those in need.......a better man and friend.

You are pissed...the world sucks....everybody is throwing sh@t your way. It is coming from all directions....no body is trustworthy. Guess what....there is not going to be somebody there to pick you up....you need to do it yourself. You can wallow in it....let it go on for years...maybe the rest of your life....or you can stand now.

Does that make sense?

[ericmsant2]

Thanks Bradley

I think you've changed though the reality is that we both have a ways to go. I'm glad I've been able to help. I guess it is much easier to look at someone else sitch and provide perspective. Personally speaking I'm am still too close to mine, which is why I am still spinning and still pissed.

[ericmsant2]

Lost - I'm not there yet. I guess I'm still in the wallowing in it phase. I need to figure out how to get out of this. How do you stand then...please tell me. How? Cause dude I need to stand. I am broken, which I guess is where I need to be. Everyone has told me to let go and yet honestly I have not.

[Lostforwords]

Eric-

You are broken. Think about it like a broken down car. You don't go and pave the road hoping that the car will run. First you strip it down (which has happened to you)...then you start rebuilding the car from the inside out.

Now think about what has made the car broken down...the weather over which you have no control. Other drivers bumping into it...over which you have no control. The shape of the roads....over which you have no control.

While you rebuild a car you put it in a garage (detaching) and rebuild it from the inside out. You don't curse the weather or say that you will never drive it again on the roads. You just accept that is what is going to happen.

Now if you are really good and patient...you take your time to rebuild it. Ordering after market upgrades and a high powered hemi....in other words growing. Maybe the hemi gets delayed in shipping, but that happens.

The best part once you are done.....is now have a car to drive. Better yet you can decide whether your drive it in the snow or only when it is sunny. You get to decide what roads you drive. You get to make proactive choices in regards to what direction you go....were as at the moment you are making choices re-actively.

Maybe you drive the road you used to drive that was bumpy, but now it is less bumpy because of the new shocks. Or else you drive a new road altogether...the choice is yours at that point.

The end moral...you HAVE to fix the car before you drive it....or else it is just another broken down car.